Riley felt more lost than ever since learning of her pregnancy. What should have been a thing of joy felt like nothing more than a curse. How can I stare at hisface every single day and not continue to break?
She felt as though she would forever stay in this state of limbo, never able to truly move on. She wasn’t even sure what moving on looked like. She couldn’t go back to the way things used to be, she wasn’t that person any longer. She was now a woman who knew the most incredible joy and the most heart crushing pain. She was a woman who was forever trapped in a nightmare. Everything she thought she knew had changed in an instant, everywhere she looked stood a cold reminder of what she had lost.
She had been so close to escaping the country that they together had called home, now she was stranded in the memories, never able to leave. She felt such bone crushing grief and guilt she wasn’t sure she’d ever survive.
She moved as if in a full unfeeling daze. Every action becoming automatic, she felt as though her body and soul were completely disconnected. Every conversation seemed as though she were miles away, the words coming to her in clouded echoes.
She was a prisoner in her own mind as every memory of their happy conversations of their future family played on repeat in her head. He should be here. How could she possibly feel anything other than pain in knowing that he would never get to see or hold their child. Every time she had seen his eyes light up as they talked about the possibility of children seemed so distant, nothing more than a dream. How can he miss this? Her heart broke over and over as she thought of everything he would miss. If we never came back…
She started to regret every choice she made since turning down Liam. If she had turned down his offer of making her a Duchess they never would have become targets. If she had suggested they stay behind in New York instead they would have been far enough away from Anton that he wouldn’t even think of them as a threat.
It felt as though every day there was a new reason to grieve. Her whole future no longer seemed to have endless possibilities, instead it was dim, tainted by darkness. Every shadow held a new surprise, a new reason to feel completely broken beyond repair.
She had wanted nothing more than to completely give up. She no longer had the luxury of simply fading away from being. She already felt like a complete failure, having already put her child at so much risk.
Riley sat unblinking waiting for the doctor to see her. She already knew she’d completely failed both Drake and their child, she was terrified to hear just how badly she had damaged their baby. She didn’t move, her mind playing Drake’s smiling face on repeat as Olivia stood up beside her.
“Where are you going?” Hana questioned, her hands folded neatly in her lap.
“I’m going to talk to the doctor and make sure no one says anything that breaks her further.” She gestured toward her unmoving friend. “She’s been through enough, she doesn’t need any stupid questions that make her think about Drake.”
Hana nodded her head as she watched Riley. She couldn’t imagine how she would react if she was in a similar situation. She didn’t think she would be any stronger than her dear friend. She had heard some members of the court speak of how weak she was, allowing herself to cave and wallow in grief. She knew they would do no better, grace and poise can only get you so far, there is no way to train for grief. She raised her head, giving a small tentative smile as Olivia returned, nodding her head with a satisfied smirk upon her lips.
Riley blindly shuffled into the exam room with her friends and Bastien in tow. When he first told her he’d be replacing her security, she’d been in shock. Sure she didn’t trust Mara could actually keep her safe, yet she never went anywhere, was security even needed? Now she was almost thankful that the same man who had raised Drake was now there to keep an eye on her. It seemed almost fitting that he would be the one to keep her safe now that Drake couldn’t.
She settled on the table, pulling up her top, exposing her still flat abdomen as instructed. Every movement on autopilot, as she stared blankly ahead. She missed the sad smile on the technician’s face, and the warning glare Olivia shot her. Her mind nearly locking her in. If her own thoughts weren’t so painful she might have found it a reprieve from all the pitiful looks she was given, but her mind was her prison and her punishment was seeing Drake’s face on repeat.
She stared ahead at the screen. She felt as though she was in limbo as she waited to see the last piece of her husband appear on the screen. Please be okay, I can’t fail Drake again.
She barely flinched as the technician squirted cold gel on her exposed stomach. She didn’t blink, her eyes focused on the screen. She fought to see past the smiling face her mind plagued her with since she’d learned she was pregnant.
Hana gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze, a reminder of just how much Drake was missing. He should be here. It should just be me and him waiting to see our child with smiles on our faces. Riley waited with bated breath as the technician slowly glided the wand across her stomach.
Whoosh. Whoosh. Whoosh.
Riley closed her eyes as the sound of their child’s heartbeat filled the room. She should have felt relief in that moment, but all she felt was intense pain. A single tear slid down her pale cheek as she could swear she heard Drake’s voice mingling with their child’s strong heartbeat. Can you believe we made that? God you’re amazing. I love you so much Riley. Look at our little peanut. You’re a little fighter aren’t you peanut? Just like your momma.
She fought back a sob as she opened her eyes, finally taking in the image of their baby on the screen. It’s so big, and looks so human. She was in awe as she watched their baby wiggle and move on the screen. Maybe they’re okay. For a moment she forgot all the pain and heartache she’d felt as she let herself become lost in watching her last connection to Drake roll and kick on the screen.
“You’re lucky, the baby seems to be very healthy.”
The technicians words pulled her from her momentary reprieve. You’re lucky. Her heart twinged at the words. She didn’t feel lucky, she didn’t think she’d ever feel lucky ever again. She felt as if she was cursed, forever doomed to a life of pain and pity from well meaning friends and strangers. She blinked back tears, missing the way Olivia glared at the technician.
Riley swallowed the painful lump in her throat as the technician gently wiped the gel from her stomach. She slid off the table without a word. Her entire body once again numb. How could I let myself get caught up? She hated that she allowed herself to forget that she would be doing this on her own, the entire reason she’d even missed the fact that she was pregnant. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. How can I ever get used to this life? She’d imagined the smiles and laughs they would have shared more times than she could count. She didn’t want to do this on her own, but this was the life she’d been given. If it weren’t for Liam… Part of her still wished Liam hadn’t said Drake’s name that day, she knew it was selfish to wish their child dead as well, but the pain was too much and she felt she’d never overcome it. If it weren’t for me… She wished she’d told Daniel she was sorry but she couldn’t cover for him that day, then she’d be back in New York, in her shitty apartment working the shitty dive bar, but she wouldn’t feel as though part of her died and she was cursed to live half a life.
Riley jumped when she felt the warm hand on her shoulder. She looked around stunned, she hadn’t even noticed when she’d gotten back into the SUV, let alone realized they’d made it home. Home, it didn’t feel like the home she had dreamed they’d have. Instead of being full of love, laughter and life, it was cold, dark and felt as welcoming as a dank dungeon. Bastien gave her a small sad smile, she wanted to shout at him, demand he stop feeling pity for her, but she knew it was as much for him and it was for her. He was grieving too, so is Liam. No it’s his fault, he doesn’t get to grieve. She gave him a tentative smile. She wasn’t sure she’d ever have a reason to smile so big that her entire face lit up and her cheeks hurt. No, her life would forever be filled with sadness and forced smiles. God forbid I actually grieve and be sad. It felt as though only her group of friends understood her grief, the rest of the country seemed to want to her be ready to move on with a smile plastered on her face.
Bastien watched Riley return to her room, once again locking herself away with her grief. He understood her pain, he’d seen it before with Drake’s mother, though she’d allowed it to break her and ran at the first chance she could. He knew Riley had wanted to do the same, but he also saw the same strength in her he had in Drake. She can get through this, she just needs understanding and time.
His heart broke each time he saw a tear streak down her porcelain cheek. I’m the reason she feels so much pain. I should have known Justin wasn’t who he said. He’d allowed Anton the chance to get close and learn the ins and outs of palace security. He’d made adjustments once they’d discovered who Anton really was, but by then it was far too late. He’d failed Drake, he’d failed Riley, he failed their child, but he wouldn’t fail anyone again.
