Past Hurts
By Misha
Disclaimer- Not mine. I’m just borrowing them for a little while and will return them when I am finished.
Author’s Notes- I head canon that even if Dom no longer had romantic feelings for Kenna, it would still bug him a little that she ended up in a very politically advantageous match (even if it was a love match) because it would remind him of all the times he was told that he wasn’t good enough for Kenna. That was the inspiration for this story. It was a request for a Dom/Sei story and there is a lot of that, but in the end it turned out more Dom-centric. The request was to include “All I’ve ever wanted was for you to love me” and ”There’ll never be a day when I don’t love you.”
Pairing- Dom/Sei, Kenna/Diavolos, past Dom/Kenna, hints of Kenna/Raydan.
Rating- PG
Summary- Several people notice Dom’s frequent absences from Stormholt and the way he occasionally looks at the king and one person finally decides to address the situation.
Words- 1787
Dom never stuck around Stormholt for long, unless he was acting as Regent while Kenna was in Lykos. Oh, he visited frequently in his role of ambassador, but he never stayed for more than a day or two unless Kenna specifically requested otherwise.
It wasn’t something Kenna noticed, she just knew that Dom always came back and he was there when she needed him. Besides her attention was elsewhere and as much as she loved her old friend, he was no longer her top priority. Two other males had replaced him. Kenna’s world was her husband and her child, just like it should be.
But while Kenna didn’t notice, it didn’t mean that others didn’t. Diavolos was aware of how distant his wife’s best friend was and sometimes he’d find Dom looking at him with something akin to resentment, though he always quickly hid it. Diavolos didn’t comment because most of the time he and Dom got along well, besides he didn’t want to hurt Kenna or sound jealous.
He wasn’t the only one that noticed.
Sei was aware of how much time Dom spent in the mountains and it didn’t occur to her to question it until she made a rare visit to Stormholt to meet baby Leon and saw the way Dom glanced at Diavolos. Suddenly, she took note of how short Dom’s trip to Stormholt were and she began to silently doubt what she had previously been confident about.
There was a third person who noticed the length of Dom’s trips and the way he occasionally looked at the King, someone who understood regret and longing and who cared enough to intervene. So when Kenna summoned representatives of all the Kingdoms, the Foundry, Aurelia and the fire tribes to Stormholt for a summit, Raydan took the opportunity to corner Dom.
“Avoiding the problem isn’t the answer,” he said quietly, “eventually Kenna is going to realize something is wrong.”
Dom stared at him. “I don’t…” He began and then sighed. “It’s not what you think.”
“So you’re not in love with Kenna?” Raydan asked carefully.
“No!” Dom exclaimed. “I mean, yes, I was… Once upon a time, but my feelings changed, maybe because I realized that she didn’t share them.”
“But the way you look at Diavolos…” Raydan said slowly, “at times I would swear you resent him.”
“I do,” Dom admitted with a mirthless chuckle. “Not because he married Kenna, but because no one would ever question his right to do so. Growing up, I heard over and over that I wasn’t good enough for Kenna, that she would have to marry a king’s son.” He paused, running his hands through his hair. “It’s silly because, by the time the war was over, my feelings for Kenna had changed, but I guess I hoped she would buck tradition, that she would marry whoever she wanted, prove all the nobles wrong.”
“Which she did.” Raydan pointed out. “Do you doubt that Kenna’s marriage is a love match?”
“No,” Dom admitted, because it was obvious to anyone with eyes how in love Kenna and Diavolos were, “but the nobles don’t necessarily see it like that, they see Kenna making this great alliance, marrying someone of equal birth. Do you how many comments I’ve heard about what a great match she made? And no one ever comments on the fact that his father started the damn war. Despite his name, Diavolos is still considered a better king candidate than I ever would, simply because of his birth. So I guess, it bothers me. Not that she chose someone else, but more that she chose exactly who she was always supposed to choose. It just makes me feel like it really was hopeless all along and I was an idiot for believing otherwise.”
Dom looked at Raydan suddenly, noticing how quiet and impassive the other man had become.
“You never thought you had a chance, did you?” He realized, “you always knew that this would be how it ended up.” He’d wondered how Raydan could be content to be part of Kenna’s court, never showing a hint of jealousy or regret. After all he didn’t know the details, but it was obvious that there had been something between Kenna and her spymaster.
“I knew that she would need a king,” Raydan answered quietly, “and that it could not be me. My life is in the shadows and she needed someone who could stand beside her. We both understood that. She has her king and I keep her safe from the shadows, it’s the way it should be.”
Dom wondered if it was really that easy, but he and Raydan weren’t close enough for prying questions. In fact, this conversation was unusual enough.
“I’m not the only one who’s noticed your absences and the way you look at the king,” Raydan advised after a moment. “You need to address the situation.”
“Who?” Dom asked in surprise since Raydan had said that Kenna wasn’t aware, yet.
“Someone who cares very much,” Raydan said pointedly, “and who would have reason to question your motives.”
Sei.
Dom fought back a curse. He didn’t… He would never want her to get the wrong impression. “I’ll talk to her,” he agreed, “and Kenna too,” he said after a moment, realizing that he couldn’t keep the feelings bottled in.
Raydan just nodded and slipped away.
Dom decided to talk to Kenna first, catching her after one of the many meetings.
“Can we go for a walk?” He asked. She smiled, “of course.”
They slipped out of the castle together, as they had done a million time, neither of them aware of the two people watching them carefully.
“Is something bothering you?” Kenna asked after a moment.
“A lot of things,” Dom admitted. “I hate that you married Diavolos.” He admitted.
Kenna stopped and stared at him. “Dom…”
“It has nothing to do with you or with him,” Dom said quickly, “it’s… It’s stupid, but it just it makes me feel stupid for having loved you, for thinking I ever had a chance.”
“Dom…” She said again and he could see the pain on her face.
He quickly began talking again, telling her what he’d told Raydan. “Growing up all I ever wanted was for you to love me,” he admitted, “and I was told over and over that you couldn’t, simply because of who I was, that you could never choose me. Even when my feelings for you changed, when I realized that it was only going to be friendship between us, it still hurt to realize that I’d never had a chance.”
“Oh, Dom…” Kenna said quietly, “it wasn’t like that. Maybe it was once, but I didn’t marry Diavolos because of his title.”
“I know,” Dom assured her, “anyone who is in the same room with the two of you for more than five minutes knows that. My problem is my own issue, I know that.”
Kenna placed her hand on his arm. “Back then I wanted to be with you badly,” she admitted, “I dreaded the idea of an arranged marriage and then once I lost my kingdom and won it back, I swore that I would get to choose my own future and I did.” She looked fierce at that moment, every inch the warrior queen. “I chose Diavolos, not because he was King, but because I couldn’t imagine my life without him.”
“I know,” Dom told her, suddenly feeling very silly. Why did it matter so much to him how it looked to the outside world? What should matter was Kenna’s happiness. “We should go back inside,” he said after a moment, “I’m sure you’ve been missed.”
Kenna nodded and they headed back inside, chatting about random things, the air between them suddenly lighter than it had been in over a year.
Diavolos met Kenna just inside the main entrance, Leon in his arms. “We were wondering where you had wandered off to,” he said lightly, but Dom noticed the way the other man’s gaze lingered on him and knew that Raydan and Sei weren’t the only ones who had picked up on his feelings.
“We just had some stuff to catch up on,” Dom said easily, sure that Kenna would fill her husband in once they were in private, “now I need to find Sei before the meetings resume.” “She was on the parapet last I saw,” Diavolos advised as he handed the baby to Kenna.
Dom nodded and headed in that direction. Sure enough, he found Sei standing by herself, staring out into space.
“Sei?”
She turned around. “I see you have finished your walk,” she said quietly.
“Yes,” He told her, stepping closer to her, “Kenna and I had a good talk.”
“Oh?” Sei asked cautiously, studying his face.
“I’ve been keeping some stuff bottled up,” he admitted, “and I was told that it could be misinterpreted.” Sei was silent, continuing to watch him carefully. “I’m not in love with Kenna,” he told her, “and I’m not jealous that she chose Diavolos, but it did bother me.”
Sei arched an eyebrow and motioned for him to continue. Dom told her what he’d told Raydan and Kenna, though each time he shared his feelings it felt more ridiculous.
“You were jealous of the opportunities that your birth denied you,” Sei said once he stopped talking.
“I guess that’s a good way of putting it,” Dom agreed, “it bugged me that Diavolos would automatically be considered more worthy of being Kenna’s husband simply because he had been born a prince.”
He knew that he had technically been born a noble as well, though he had rejected Tevan’s generous offer to give him his father’s title, but that didn’t change the fact that for so much of his life he had been considered a fatherless outsider.
“I worried that you were jealous,” Sei admitted after a moment, “that you had realized that you wished to be with Kenna after all.”
“No,” Dom assured her, taking her hand, “I’ll always love Kenna, as a friend, but I’m not in love with her. I’m in love with you, there’ll never be a day when I don’t love you.”
Sei cracked a smile. “Always so over the top,” she said lightly, but she raised herself on her tiptoes and pressed her lips to his.
Dom deepened the kiss, pulling her tight against him and silently thanked Raydan for being so observant and helping him fix what could have been a very awkward situation. But also for helping him come to terms with his own feelings, so now he could move forward and focus on his future.
A future that seemed very promising indeed.
- End
