Epithymia – Chapter 15

I sat next to Drake on the plane, nervously chewing my fingernails. We were heading back to Cordonia and I would soon see Liam for the first time since I’d learned of his infidelity. Despite the fact that my entire world had changed only four days ago, I felt two decades older. Anxiety was etched on my face, dark circles under my eyes stood out like two slashes against my fair skin. I was fucking exhausted, and the closer we got to Cordonia, the more turmoil I felt raging inside me.

“You okay, Charlie?” Drake murmured in my ear, gently taking my hand in his. I watched blankly as his fingers twined with mine, appreciating the warmth that emanated from his large palm. Even though my world had tilted off its axis and spun into chaos, I still knew I loved Drake. He had been the one constant in my life since I arrived all those years ago as a naive, romantic New Yorker. Sighing heavily, I raised my eyes to his.

“No, not really. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I see him.”

Concern flashed in Drake’s eyes, a crease forming between his brows. “I know what you mean. This is the longest I’ve gone without talking to him since I left Cordonia . . . before . . .” Drake fell silent and simply squeezed my hand, turning toward the open plane window, both of us lost in thoughts of how to reconcile the man we loved with the man who broke our hearts.

“Your Majesty, Drake,” Bastien called to us as we slowly walked toward the royal apartments, like lambs to the slaughter. His face, usually so stoic, lit with surprise when he spotted us. Stationed right beside our door, it was clear Liam was inside.

“Hi Bas,” Drake spoke for both of us, for which I was grateful. I didn’t have it in me to act like a queen, or even a commoner, for that matter. I was exhausted and heartbroken, and I needed to figure out what I wanted. The time spent in Sardinia had been like a dream, like I was living another woman’s life. Wrapped in Drake’s arms, I’d been sure that I wanted to leave Liam. Now, facing our reunion, I couldn’t ignore that, while our idyllic romance was tainted forever, I still felt something for the man who had stolen my love years before.

Standing before the door, I reached my hand to the knob, hesitating slightly. “Your Majesty, the King has requested not to be interrupted,” Bastien said lowly, giving me pause as I looked to him questioningly. His gray eyes, filled with emotion I rarely saw, stared me down.

“Bas,” Drake cautioned. The older man kept his eyes on me, saying nothing. As much as I wanted to back away and hide from whatever I would find behind these heavy, closed doors, I stood my ground, drawing my strength from Drake beside me and the position I still held. Did Liam have the nerve to have another woman in there? In my suite? In our home? Rage bubbled up inside of me.

“I am your Queen, Bastien,” I said coldly, “you would do well to remember that the King is not the only one you serve.”

I brushed past him, opening the door and stepping inside the darkened suite, leaving Drake and Bastien to stare after me. I pushed the centuries-old, oaken door closed and faced the place that had once been one of the only safe spaces I knew.  The room felt cold, devoid of humanity, of love, and a shaky breath filled my lungs, tears glossing my eyes. Only a week before, these rooms were full of laughter and desire, friendship and devotion; only a week before, Drake and Liam were wrapped around me and we were making love, my heart and body finally feeling complete.

I left the lights off, this apartment as familiar as the back of my hand, and listened to the sounds of the space, expecting to hear proof of my suspicions and dreading who I’d find wrapped in my husband’s arms. Met with silence, I began to move down the hallway toward the guest rooms, knowing there was no way I could face the royal suite; the memories of Liam and I together, in love and loving each other, was too much to bear.

As I passed the open door of Liam’s study, I heard the faint tinkling of glass, followed by a muffled curse. Peeking through the doorway, I saw Liam kneeling on the floor, picking up the remains of what was once a whiskey glass. Before I could turn and retreat, he rose and faced where I stood. His eyes flashed with emotion, first showing me the love I’d grown accustomed to seeing in his gaze, followed by an incomprehensible sadness. My heart shattered all over again, seeing him so broken, even if his actions had been the catalyst,

“Charlotte?” he whispered, taking a tentative step in my direction before faltering. My eyes drank in the sight of him, despite the vise that wrapped around my heart. He looked beautiful, to me at least, but broken. Dark circles underscored his beautiful blue eyes, which were lined with red. Days’ worth of stubble spread dotted his face. His hair, normally gelled to perfection, was messy and unkempt, as though he couldn’t stop running his hands through the strands.

“Hello, Liam.”

I stayed rooted to the spot, Liam only a handful of feet away, but he may as well have been on the moon. We felt miles apart, like strangers.

“Charlotte, how . . . where . . .” His voice cracked and he swallowed thickly, tears filling his eyes. I longed to reach out and hold him, and I reflexively stepped closer, wanting to be near him.

“I was with Olivia…and Leo,” I explained in a whisper  “I couldn’t . . . I needed . . .” Letting my arms fall to my sides, I shrugged helplessly.

“I couldn’t be here, Liam.”

He nodded sadly and turned away from me, crossing back to the leather chair and sitting heavily. He lifted the bottle of expensive whiskey to his lips, taking a huge pull of the burning liquid.

“No glass,” he muttered offhandedly, gesturing with the neck of the bottle to the pieces of broken glass still at his feet. He raised his eyes to me, pain written across his features.

“I am so unbelievably sorry, Charlotte,” Liam rasped, his voice thick with emotion  “I have never regretted anything like I regret hurting you, and I will never forgive myself for destroying the only good thing in my life.”

He stood and slowly crossed to me, tears leaking from his blue eyes. Frozen to the spot, my own eyes spilled over, a sob wracking my body.

“Why, Liam? Why wasn’t I enough for you? Why couldn’t I make you happy?” I covered my face as I cried, huge, keening, wails erupting from my chest. Liam’s face crumbled as he stood before me and he sunk to his knees, clutching my hips in his hands.

“You are everything, Charlotte, you are my entire world, and I’m so, so sorry,” he buried his face against my stomach and wept, his shoulders shaking. My own tears dripped from my face and onto the soft blond mess of his hair. I tentatively brought my fingers up to gently rake through the strands, a gesture so familiar and yet so painful.

“Charlie, are you-“ Drake called from the hallway, halting when he stepped into the room and found us clutching each other. His dark eyes met mine, his gaze not accusatory, only filled with sadness as he watched us.

Liam quickly pulled away from me and rose, turning away to surreptitiously wipe his eyes.

“Drake, I-” he began, his voice cracking once again and betraying his emotions.

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay, Charlotte,” Drake countered, his eyes never leaving Liam’s form. “Are you?”

I shook my head, looking between them, the loves of my life, the source of all my heartbreak and confusion.

“No,” I managed to choke out before I turned and ran from the room, tears blurring my vision. I reached one of the guest suites and flew inside, slamming the door shut. Falling onto the bed, I let the sobs tear through my body. How could Liam have broken me so completely? And how could I still need him, like the air I needed to breathe?

Curling into myself, I let the tears fall, not bothering to be quiet. What felt like hours passed before I heard footsteps outside the door, the soft freak of the hinges as it opened.

“I can’t do this right now, Liam,” I whimpered, facing away from the door. Even though I knew we needed to rationally discuss our situation, there was no way I could have that conversation when everything felt so raw.

The mattress sunk beside me as he sat on the bed, a hand coming up to gently rake the hair away from my hot cheeks.

“It’s me, Charlie. Talk to me, baby.”

Drake’s soft voice soothed my aching heart. I turned to face him, my face a mess, mottled and wet with tears. I reached out for his hand and he obliged, twining our fingers together and helping to ground me.

“Drake, I . . . this . . . I don’t . . .” I shook my head, unable to find the words I needed. I loved Drake, I needed him in my life, yet . . .

“I know, sweetie,” Drake murmured, stretching out next to me and bundling me in his arms. I felt his chest expand with a deep sigh, and he pulled me closer. Tears choked me for what felt like the thousandth time today, and I gripped the back of Drake’s shirt, pressing myself as close to him as possible.

“Drake, I can’t . . .” I hiccuped against his chest, trying to force the words from my throat. “I . . . I still love him.”

His hands caressed my back, tender touches that gave away Drake’s softness, a side that he only let me see. He gently gripped my chin in his hands and tilted my face up to his, his lips meeting mine in a tender kiss.

“I know, Charlie.” He broke away and again pulled me close. His voice cracked as he continued.

“I still love him, too.”