Writer’s Retreat (AU), Part 16 – James x MC

Summary: James and MC (Charlotte) finally have a long overdue talk.

James and Charlotte sat down in the living room, with Charlotte making a conscious choice to not sit beside him on the couch. Instead, she sat in the armchair, tucking her feet beneath her. The more distance between them, the better. They sat in silence, James staring at the quiet fireplace, unconsciously twisting the wedding band around his finger.

“So,” Charlotte finally said. “You wanted to talk.”

“Yeah,” James said, turning his gaze towards her. She noticed he was still turning his ring, round and round it went around his finger. Charlotte had always loved James’s hands, loved the way they felt when he cupped her face. They were always so soft, yet strong. “I just … I don’t know, I guess I needed to see you.”

“James … where does Vanessa think you are?” Charlotte asked. He flinched slightly when she mentioned his wife.

“Boston. I told her I had to fly back for some emergency with the Ashton Foundation, but then I just … I don’t know, I rented a car and just started driving. I don’t think I even realized where I was going until I crossed the state line into Maine.”

“Wait … are you still on your honeymoon?” Charlotte asked, realization and revulsion rolling through her.

“Technically I’m here,” James said weakly, knowing how terrible he sounded.

“You have to go,” Charlotte said as she stood up. “I realize that this is your house and it’s really weird to kick you out of it, but you have to go. I have to go.”

“Charlotte–”

“No, James!” Charlotte exclaimed. “Are you fucking kidding me? You’re supposed to be on your honeymoon and then you just show up here!”

“Charlie, wait–”

“Don’t call me that.”

James took a breath. “Charlotte. I flew on a red eye from Rome and drove all night to see you.”

“Then get right back on another flight and go back.”

“I needed to see you.”

“YOU MARRIED SOMEONE ELSE!”

“I KNOW!” James yelled back. “I–” He lowered his voice. “I’m not happy.”

“Too fucking bad, James,” Charlotte snapped. “You made your choice. You picked Vanessa. I thought I could keep doing this, but I can’t. I don’t like …” She paused, taking a deep breath. “I don’t like who I am when I’m with you anymore.”

James looked back down at his hands, his forearms resting on his knees. “I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

“Oh, come on,” Charlotte said, rolling her eyes as she sat back down in the armchair.

“I’m serious! I think back to who I was in college, when I worked with Vasquez, when I wrote that play … I don’t know, I don’t recognize myself anymore.”

“People change,” she said tersely.

“Do they?” James snapped. “You’re the one who had some guy over here last night. I’m guessing he doesn’t know about our current relationship.”

“First of all, he only showed up fifteen minutes before you did. Second of all, I don’t think you get to dictate how I spend my time or who I spend it with because you’re married.”

“Stop saying that!”

“It’s still true whether I say it or not!”

“I know!” James shouted. This time he was the one who leaped to his feet and began pacing in front of the fireplace.

“What did you hope was going to happen here?” Charlotte demanded. “Did you think I’d just be waiting here with my legs open so you could fuck me before running back to your wife?”

“No, it’s not like that,” James said as he dropped to his knees in front of the armchair. “Charlotte, I have loved you since I was twenty years old.” He took her hands in his, and although she didn’t return the pressure, she didn’t pull her hands away earlier. “When I ran into you again … I couldn’t believe it was really you. I didn’t mean for everything to happen that night, but … god, Charlotte, you make me feel like a whole person, like I know who I am.”

Charlotte was quiet for a minute, considering his words. She felt her throat tighten and she didn’t bother trying to wipe away the tear that spilled down her cheek. James let go of one of her hands, gently brushing the tear from her skin. Charlotte closed her eyes as he tucked her hair behind her ear, his hand cupping the back of her neck.

“Do you want to know how I feel?” she asked, keeping her eyes closed. Charlotte felt her chin quiver but she fought to keep her voice even.

“Of course.”

Charlotte opened her eyes, meeting his gaze. “I feel terrible all the time. I’m so mad at you all the time, but I love you. God, I love you so much, but loving you hurts too much. I don’t even feel like myself anymore; I feel like a shadow of myself. I feel pathetic, all those nights I’ve sat there staring at my phone, willing you to call or text or get away to come see me. I don’t like who I am when I’m with you,” she repeated. “Not anymore.” She took a shaky breath and continued. “I deserve more than to just be someone’s free time or second choice.”

James hung his head. “You’re right. You’re absolutely right. This isn’t fair to you.”

“Or Vanessa.”

“Or … Vanessa,” James agreed. He looked back up at her. “What if we really made a go of it, you and me?”

“What are you talking about?” Charlotte asked.

“I mean it. I’ll end it with Vanessa and be with you. Only you. No, don’t shake your head, this can work. I know it can.”

“James, no. Your family would disown you.”

“Fuck my family!” he exclaimed. “We’ll really do this, you and me. I’ll start writing again and we can live here at the cabin. Or anywhere else you want.”

“James … you have no idea how long I’ve wanted you to say that very thing, but … no.”

“Why not?” James asked, cupping her face in his hands. “I love you, you love me. We can work the rest out later.”

“Because I don’t think I can ever get over the fact that you married someone else. You chose someone else. It’s too late to choose me.” As she said those words, Charlotte felt her heart twist painfully, but she knew it was true. It was too late for her and James.

James nodded slowly in acceptance. Tears fell down his skin, skin that she had kissed countless times, for the last time.

“You’re right. You deserve more,” James said. “I’m sorry.” He stood up slowly, wiping at his eyes. Charlotte stood up and pulled him to her in a hug. James wrapped his arms around her tightly and she breathed deeply, pulling in his familiar scent. He kissed the top of her head and then they let go.

“You’re welcome to stay here as long as you want,” James said, gesturing around himself at the house. “Think of it as the divorce settlement we’ll never have.”

Charlotte laughed as she rubbed away her own tears. “Thanks, but I think it’s time for me to stand on my own feet for once.”

James nodded. “Well, no rush. Take all the time you need.”

“Thanks.”

Charlotte walked him to the front door. James opened it and stepped out onto the porch. At the top of the stairs, he paused and looked back over his shoulder.

“Bye, Charlie.”

“Bye, James.”

She closed the door gently, the latch clicking into place like the tiny tick of a clock, and she headed to the bedroom to pack.

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