Summary: Raydan’s first night with Kenna stirs up emotions within him.
Author’s note: Headcanon explaining why Raydan leaves the command tent before Kenna wakes up, and why he does not behave as if he has any romantic feelings for Kenna in Book 3 until he returns to Stormholt after his “betrayal.”
Raydan lay beside Kenna on the cot. She had drifted off to sleep, but there was no sleep for him. He reached over and gently stroked her hair. She was so beautiful. Ever since he had laid eyes on her, he knew that he wanted her. They had flirted and kissed, but nothing more had happened until tonight. After his initiation into the Order of the Black Asps, as they were walking back to the castle, she had asked him to take her in her command tent, and what he had fantasized about for so long finally became reality.
She was different than anyone else he had ever known. For the first time, he truly wanted to be close to someone. He had seduced others as a means to an end, to gain their trust and secrets, never revealing his true self, but with Kenna, there was no pretending. He was open and honest with her in a way that he had never been before. Even when he had approached someone solely out of attraction, he always kept his guard up and never sought more than the satisfaction of physical desires. But she made him feel things that he had never felt before. He had told her that he was hers, tonight and always.
Always. Does anything really last forever? Suddenly a flood of memories came rushing back to him. In his mind, he heard the voice of a small boy. “No! Don’t leave me! I’ll be good, I promise! DON’T LEAVE ME!” Then came sobbing, and screaming, and finally a girl’s voice. “Shut up. You want to get us killed? Don’t be such a baby. Grow up NOW, or it’s all over.” His sister was all he had left in the world. He couldn’t lose her too, so he forced himself to stay quiet. Before long it was second nature to him.
He had lost almost everything, but he still had her. She was the one constant in his life, the only person he could count on. Then one day that changed too. He could still hear her voice in his head. “If I ever see you again, I will cut you with my poison dagger, over and over.” He did not see her again until he, Kenna, and their allies traveled to Lykos because they needed her help to defeat Luther.
Because of Kenna, he had his sister back. He would always be grateful to her. But he felt so much more than gratitude. He cared more about her than anyone else in the world. Did she feel the same way, though? He recalled the night they first met, when she joined him in the royal gardens of Aurelia. When he told her that he found it hard to believe that she was not already taken, she said that there was someone. Kenna had known Dominic since childhood, and he knew she still cared about him. Although she seemed very happy tonight, he knew that she was worried sick about Dom. What would happen if she were able to free Dom from Hex’s capture? He imagined Kenna running into Dom’s arms and kissing him deeply. Could his time with her compare to what she had with Dom? They had so much history together. He envisioned Kenna and Dom walking hand in hand, passing him even though he had stepped out of the shadows, as if he were not even there.
Raydan tried to clear his head. You don’t know that she would do that, he told himself. This isn’t all one-sided. Maybe she would choose you.
Another vision entered his mind. The war was over, and Kenna had decided that it was time for her to marry. He looked at her hopefully, expectantly. She stared into his eyes coldly. “Did you really think that I would marry you? You were good for some fun, and the services you provided for me, but that’s it. I am the Queen of Stormholt, after all. A street rat with a criminal history could never be good enough for me.”
He started trembling at the thought. If that happened he would break into pieces. The confident, composed man would be replaced by the frightened little boy. He breathed deeply, then stood up. He quietly donned his clothes, stepped out of the tent, and headed back to the party.
He entered the castle and approached some of the nobles. Slipping back into the familiar role, he feigned interest in their conversation. When Kenna returned to the party, he sensed her presence immediately. He wanted to run to her and take her in his arms. Instead, he glanced in her direction and smiled slightly.