Summary: On the night of his coronation, Prince Liam gets timely advice from an unexpected source.
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You’re a coward, Liam of Cordonia. A goddamned coward.
It’s not the sort of thing a future king should be saying of himself on the night of his coronation, but the truth it is.
Even now, three hours after the gift-giving, he finds himself looking over his shoulder towards the door of the music room, scanning it for the ruffle of a certain hunter-green ballgown and heaving a sigh of relief when he’s proven wrong. You deserve all this and more, Liam. Much more. The steely glint in her eyes as the Countess said the words still raises the hair at the back of his neck. He shivers.
“Cold?” Hana asks him, looking concerned. They’ve been lounging at the balcony of the music room for the last twenty minutes, sipping champagne and punctuating the awkward silence with small talk. It’s a beautifully breezy night, and the wind wafting in occasionally smells like the flowers in the hedge maze.
The maze. It reminds him of the other person he’s been trying to avoid.
Esther.
If he closes her eyes, he knows the vision of her as she appeared tonight would be imprinted perfectly in his head. A flush on her cheeks that matched the colour of her gown. Fresh flowers in her hair. That necklace. That necklace. The diamonds winked at him in the ballroom lights, hugging her throat, daring him to sink his teeth in and leave his mark there. Esther Noelle DuPont. You’re incredible. In every sense of the word.
It should have been so simple, proposing to her. He’s been rehearsing this for weeks now: in front of the mirror, in the shower, over Skype in front of a laughing Leo.
But the moment he saw her…the words refused to come out. She’ll say no. He was almost grateful when Olivia asked him to dance with her. She’ll find someone better. And he ran. And he hid. In the music room. Maybe she already has. Like the coward he was. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. She’ll say no. Save me.
Hana has no idea what a godsend she is right now.
“Are you alright?”
“I’m fine. Fine,” he sighs, then attempts to change the subject, “I forgot to tell you. Thank you for that flute. I’ve never had one quite like that one before.”
“But you did already!” she points out, “you called it ‘an excellent choice’ when I gave it to you tonight.”
“That’s before I found out it was a dizi flute you bought specially from Shanghai. Don’t look so surprised. I did a Google Search an hour ago.”
Hana lets out a self conscious giggle. “Shanghai is home. And China itself has more bamboo groves than you can count. A bamboo flute wouldn’t be that hard to find, Liam.”
“Still. It’s something from your home, isn’t it? A part of your heritage. I learned something new today because you gave it to me. That makes it extremely special, Lady Hana.”
Hana ducks her head and smiles, visibly pleased. It surprises Liam: Hana possesses enough charm to attract as many people as she wanted, if she so wished, and yet…and yet the smallest, most insignificant compliments seem so monumental to her. As if she isn’t very used to being liked. “You don’t want to know what my parents originally planned to get you. But if I’d known your tastes better I would have bought you a ukulele.”
He tries to imagine playing the small instrument, and realises he’ll look even more ridiculous than he does playing the guitar. “Save it for the wedding.”
She laughs, then stops. Liam almost bites his tongue. You fool. What if she isn’t allowed to come even then? He’s heard enough stories about her parents and her life back in China to consider it a possibility. The last thing she needs on her last night in Cordonia are reminders that she will not return.
“Who were you hiding from when you came here?”
Liam frowns. “What do you mean?”
“It’s not very often that a Crown Prince tries to escape from his own ball.”
“Oh. That,” Hana is usually rather trustworthy, that much he knows from the way Esther speaks of her. He figures it won’t hurt to tell as long as he keeps it vague, “I was trying to avoid someone.”
“Was it Countess Madeleine?”
His eyes widen in horror. “Please don’t tell me I was that obvious!”
She shakes her head. “You weren’t. She was.”
Liam doesn’t know how to answer this. He doesn’t want to remember last night, or that nagging feeling of something going terribly wrong tugging at him ever since Madeleine visited his rooms. She’s being desperate, that’s all. He can count the number of times she has spoken to him on the fingers of a single hand – preferring the company of his parents or the press instead, to his relief – and now…now she acts as if she never wants to stop. There’s no way he will be marrying her, she knows that as well as anyone. That’s what it is. That’s what it must be.
A slow wind rustles the trees nearby, and Liam looks down over the path to the maze, his gaze focussed on a solitary figure walking by, skirts bunched up in her hand.
Liam lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.
He hasn’t forgotten the last time he’d visited this maze. The maze tag. The long, exhilarating, furious race to the centre. The way she’d slipped from his arms when he’d almost caught her, yelling “too slow!” so she wouldn’t realise how good it felt holding her. Her tiny, nervous, tentative kisses. The kisses he’d rejected. Because he was scared that the more he wanted them to be together, the more their chances of being forced apart. So, so scared.
They’ve shared many, many stolen kisses since, but that fear hasn’t left him.
Esther’s hands have left her skirt now, clasped as they are behind her back. She walks tall, regal, confident. Even without that crown, she is every bit a queen.
“Yes,” Hana whispers into the night. Only then does Liam realise he has said the words out loud.
Hana’s eyes rest on the same tiny solitary figure, transfixed, almost drinking in her presence. As if trying to emblazon that image in her memory. As if her entire universe ends at one point, and thatpoint is this person. As if she can’t take her eyes off her.
“Oh God,” he means it to be a whisper, but it comes out like a hiss.
Hana turns her gaze back to Liam, and suddenly it’s like looking at a mirror.
“Liam, I…” her eyes are wide and frightened, a gazelle caught between two lions, “I…”
“I don’t know what to say either.” Is this how it’s been for her, this entire social season? Watching him whisk Esther away, smiling that soft, sad smile of hers everytime she said alright, I’ll give you two some time alone. “Does she…does she know?”
“Yes.”
Running behind an overexcited Maxwell just so they could sneak away. Teaching Esther everything she ever needed to know just so she could win this damned competition.
“Does she love you back?” Even asking the question hurts.
Hana turns away from him, shaking her head. He thinks she is blinking away tears.
He knows there is a chance Esther might love someone else, but he doesn’t know yet how he will handle it. He doesn’t know how he’ll face the next morning, even if he knows he’ll hide it well enough for no one to notice. And here is this woman, looking at the woman she loves, standing next to the man who destroyed her dreams, trying to pretend everything is okay.
“How do you not hate me, Hana?” his voice is a harsh whisper now.
“Why should I hate you?” Her voice comes out in soft sobs now, “You didn’t hurt me.”
“You came all the way from home to this place and you get nothing, Hana. Not the Prince you set out to win – though God knows what people see in me that makes them think I am worthy of that attention – not the woman you love, nor happiness, nor recognition.” He’s speaking fast, too fast, but now he doesn’t care. “I feel like I’m stealing everything from everyone.”
She turns to face him. “We all knew what we were doing when we came here, Liam. We knew the risks. I knew there was a chance you wouldn’t pick me, I just -”
“ – didn’t expect to fall for someone else.” he finishes her sentence, his voice hollow. “Especially another woman. Especially when you’ve been brought up your entire life to believe a man would be your destiny.”
“It scared me, Liam. I’ve never felt like this before. With anyone. No one told me. No one warned me. No one ever let me know that a woman could wreck havoc to my brains and my…my everythingthis way. And now that it’s happened, I don’t know if I can ever go back to being the old me again.”
“Hana,” he says, trying – and failing – to swallow the lump in his throat, “I’m sorry.”
She doesn’t bother to hide the tears in her eyes when she looks up at him now. She chooses to smile instead. “I’m not.”
“What do you mean?” His fear of rejection spreads from his chest to his whole body: he just can’t imagine how painful it is, knowing he will never stop loving Esther and carrying the weight of her “no” for the rest of his life. He fishes his pockets for a handkerchief and hands it to her. She accepts it gratefully.
“I thought telling Esther would break me,” she dabs her eyes, “But it didn’t. It made me feel lighter…eventually. Like I had this weight in my chest that lasted the entire social season and now it wasn’t there anymore. Because I didn’t run away. I didn’t keep quiet. I didn’t force her to love me but I didn’t make her live a lie either. And now? Now I don’t have to leave this place regretting all the things I didn’t say.”
He can hear owls hooting from far away in the garden, the chirping of crickets, the rustling of leaves. The silence stretches between them, larger and wider than any geographical gap could hope to be.
I don’t have to regret all the things I didn’t say.
Hana is definitely a braver person than he ever will be. And a wiser one. She says no regrets, and he knows from the conviction with which she says it that she isn’t lying.
No matter what happens, even if Esther turns him down tonight, he would have at least done the one thing that frightened him most, and survived. It’s better than waking up the next morning knowing his fears got the better of him.
Hana straightens her skirts, in an attempt to keep her hands busy, and checks her watch. “We don’t have a lot of time left, do we?”
“Only two hours.”
“Then we’d better get going, shouldn’t we?”
She doesn’t wait for him to answer: just turns to the direction of the door.
“Wait. Hana.”
She stops. She doesn’t turn, or face him.
He doesn’t blame her.
“I wanted to say this in case we never meet again.”
“Say what?” her back is half-turned to him, but he can at least see her profile illuminated by the moonlight behind them.
He takes a deep breath. Is this too condescending? Does it sound too much like he’d listened to, and believed, all the gossip surrounding her? Does it sound took much like he’s dangling a consolation prize over her, one she doesn’t want?
“I know about Lord Peter. I know the things people have been saying behind your back. I know people have blamed you for what happened. I know they’ve called you damaged goods. I’ve been wanting to tell you this since the day we met but I didn’t know if it would make everything hurt again. Or maybe I just didn’t have the courage.”
On a rare impulse, he moves forward, even while ensuring that the distance between them is safe enough that she will not consider it an invasion of her space, “It takes courage to face all that and try again. It takes guts to open yourself to love when someone leaves you like that. It definitely takes a different kind of strength to do what you did today. You, Hana Lee, are the bravest woman I have ever met, and I’m proud I know you.”
Her laugh is a gurgle breaking through her tears. “You’re making me cry entirely too much tonight, Your Highness. It’s ruining my makeup.”
They both burst out into peals of laughter, forgetting for the moment that there is a ball downstairs. When they’re done, he offers her his arm. “Come, let me lead you back.”
“With pleasure,” her voice is a grainy whisper, “You’ll be doing an engagement tour after this, won’t you?”
“Yes.”
“Will you be visiting China? Will we see you?”
He smiles. “I’m quite sure the Bamboo Groves are already part of the itinerary. Of course we’ll see you!“
Her eyes crinkle in laughter, “Will you bring Esther along?”
That old frisson of fear prickles him again, but he brushes it aside now. “If she will have me.”
She opens her mouth, almost as if to say she’s sure Esther will, but closes it just as quickly.
“Shall we?” he asks her.
“Yes,” they chat as they walk to the ballroom. He spots Esther with his brother, staring at him open-mouthed as he recounts what must be another of his childhood exploits. In spite of his nervousness, Liam finds himself grinning. By the look on her face, you can tell it’s the volcano story.
Hana lets go of his arm, but pats it gently before she leaves. The kindness of that gesture…he’s not sure she will understand how much she has helped him tonight. If he and Esther ever get together, it’s because of this woman. Who so clearly deserves better than what she’s been given so far.
“I wish you luck, wŏ de péngyou*.”
“Is that Mandarin?”
“Yes,” she says, “I’ll tell you what it means. Someday.”
“Excellent. Another Google Search for me.”
Hana Lee grins, and takes her leave, leaving Liam alone to face the most frightening five minutes of his life.
There is no more time left to waste, now. He will make those five minutes count. He has to. He will make his way to the woman he loves, the one now standing in front of the one man (besides his father) that he considers family, making him feel like a king. Making everyone she meets feel like a king.
He’s never been this frightened of anything, or anyone, before. But damn his fears.
Tonight he is ready.
Hana has taught him well.
* wŏ de péngyou – Mandarin for “my friend”.