Purpose
By Misha
Disclaimer- Not mine. I’m just borrowing them and will return them when I am finished.
Author’s Notes- I was inspired to do the last letter thing for both my MCs. So this one is from my Estela MC, April Connor. The poem I quote is “To Lucasta, Going to the Wars” by Richard Lovelace. Which I feel like pretty much sums up the dilemma the MC faces next chapter.
Pairing- Estela/MC
Rating- PG
Summary- After talking to Vaanu, April makes a decision and writes Estela a letter.
Words- 609
My Beloved Estela,
“I could not love thee, dear, so much, Love I not honor more.”
I’ve always loved that poem.
Or at least I thought I did. I thought a lot of things, apparently, too complicated to put into words. At least with the amount of time that I have.
It’s funny how it all comes down to time. Endless amounts of time and then no time at all. I’ve only known you a few weeks, but also eternity. I’ve spent 2000 lifetimes loving you, resetting time to be with you and over, and now there is no time.
By the time you read this, it’ll be over and I’ll have sacrificed myself. I know I don’t have to explain why I did it because if anyone would understand, it’s you.
You know what it’s like to be committed to a cause and need to see it to the bitter end. I love you, Estela, and it would be tempting to let the world burn and be with you, but I can’t do it and I know you understand that.
Or at least I hope you do.
I feel like the woman I married, the woman I wanted to spend my life with, would understand. You’d understand that sometimes we have a greater purpose. That as much as I love you and I want the life we planned, I have a purpose to fulfill and I can’t have both. I can’t be with you and do what I was meant too.
I can’t let Rourke win and I can’t let the world end, not when I have the power to stop it. I know you understand that, darling. You needed to get closure with your mother, to face her killer and to move forward and I’m so proud of you, so glad you got that chance.
My purpose, my whole exitance is more complicated and my moment of self-awareness isn’t as happy as yours. There is no other choice. I can be selfish and be with you or I can do what I was always meant to and give everyone I love the ending they deserve.
Including you. Especially you.
I want you to be happy, Estela. You’ve spent too much of your life obsessed with vengeance, don’t’ go back to that place. There is nothing to avenge here. This was my choice and I need you to respect that.
I want you to embrace life. Do all the things you never got a chance to do. Let Michelle take you out for brunch or go with Quinn for manicures. Get Zahra to teach you to play video games. Lean on the others, let them take care of you.
And I can see the look you are giving me right now, but lean on Aleister, because I think you can help each other. Neither one of you should be defined by Rourke, who you are goes way behind him.
There’s so much I wish we could talk about. About Rourke and your mother and… I just need you to know it doesn’t define you. That it doesn’t change anything. You are not your father. You are not responsible for him.
You’ve become who you are without him and learning about him doesn’t change that, doesn’t change anything about you. You are still the amazing, strong woman I fell in love with. The woman I loved through thousands of lifetimes, the woman I will love for all eternity.
Death doesn’t change love, we both know that. If love is true, it is eternal. And my love for you is the truest thing in all the universe.
Yours Forever,
April
