A/N: This is for Choices July Challenge Day 9: Angst. Takes place after my other stories Not Alone and In Her Dreams.
Summary: In the aftermath of a recent win . . . and a subsequent tragedy, everyone has gained a moment of respite. But for Damien, the night is anything but peaceful as he realizes how much has changed in his absence.
Disclaimer: Characters/canon belong to Pixelberry
Damien held Maya close, cradling her head on his shoulder. “I’ve missed you, doll.” he whispered. “So incredibly much.”
“I’ve missed you more than words can say.” she said ruefully. “I wish we weren’t meeting in a cell.”
“Me too.” He brushed a strand of her amethyst hair from her face as he peered down at her. “Are they treating you okay?”
She nodded. “I’m alright. It’s not like they’re keeping us in a dungeon or anything. What about you?”
“Much better, now that I know you’re okay. What about the others?”
“I don’t know for sure. They’re keeping us separated.” Another tear rolled down her cheek. “Sometimes at night, I think I can hear Nadia crying.”
“I’m so sorry, Maya.” He hugged her more tightly, squeezing his eyes shut. It was bad enough that she was suffering in this hellhole, but even Nadia, who he’d grown to love like his baby sister? It wasn’t supposed to be like this. They were supposed to go back to New York and lie low; get their lives back. Instead of which . . .
“I have seen Hayden once or twice.” Then she looked up at him, biting her lip. “But it could be Harley for all I know.”
“He didn’t hurt you, did he?”
“No. Not yet at least.”
Damien cupped her face and kissed her gently, before pulling back to look into her eyes. “Trust me, I won’t let that happen. I’m already doing everything I can for you. For all of you.”
She responded by kissing him sweetly, her lips moving so softly against his. He smiled and buried his fingers in her hair as he kissed her again and again. Damien ignored the nagging doubt in his head that was trying to tell him something.
He knew he should be suspicious, especially after the stunt Cecile had pulled with the Alana copy. But now that he was seeing Maya after so long, his overwhelming need for her had switched off his logic. His hope for at least one good thing during these lonely weeks.
Just as he was beginning to lose himself in the moment, the sound of the door opening made them jump. “Time’s up.” Cecile walked in followed by two guards.
Maya tightened her hold on Damien’s shirt, burying her face in his chest.
Cecile strode forward and grabbed her arm, pulling her away from him, ignoring his angered protests. He maintained his grip on Maya’s hand, pushing and yelling at Cecile. Then the guards intervened and pried Damien and Maya’s hands apart.
“Damien!” Maya was calling out to him as she was shoved back into Cecile’s arms.
“Back off!” Damien snarled straining against the guards holding him back. “Don’t hurt her!”
Cecile responded with a smug grin as she pulled out a taser from her pocket. He felt his stomach twist when she pressed the taser to Maya’s chest – directly over her heart. Damien immediately stopped fighting the guards and stepped back, his eyes trained on the weapon.
“We got some good data here . . .” Cecile jeered. “We managed to break through even your cynical shell, Damien.”
“You haven’t broken me yet,” he snapped.
“Haven’t we, though?”
Before he could think or say anything else, there was a hiss as the wires fired out from the weapon
“NO!” Damien’s pained cry tore itself from his throat, but it was too late. There was a blinding explosion-
——————
Damien woke up with a panicked gasp, shaking like a leaf. His shirt was clinging to the skin on his back, slightly dampened with sweat. He took a few deep breaths, scrubbing his hands up and down his face. When he opened his eyes, he found himself surrounded by the bright walls and pristine furniture of a hotel suite – not the small cell he’d been trapped in for the last couple weeks. The large window at the other side showed a clear view of the city of Tokyo and recent memories immediately came flooding back to him.
Right. I’ve escaped. Damien wiped tears from his cheeks as he gazed out the window – something he hadn’t been able to do in weeks. The black sky stretched out over the city like a canopy, dotted with glittering stars. The full moon loomed somewhere above, reflecting through the window and flooding the room with a serene glow that put him at ease; making it easier to block out the ugly image of the fake Maya’s lifeless body lying in front of him, burnt machinery protruding from her chest.
That wasn’t real. It was never real. This is real. He blew out his cheeks as he finally collected himself.
Damien looked down to find that a blanket had been spread over him at some time during the night. He was lying on the couch in the suite’s living room. After he’d made the arrangements for their trip back to the States, everyone had settled in the couch to watch some TV. Eventually, Maya had gone to bed first. Then apparently at some point, he’d fallen asleep and everyone else had eventually turned in for the night.
Dipper was curled up next to him under the blanket, licking his hand. Damien smiled at her. “Don’t worry girl, I’ll be fine.” She looked up at him as she stretched her tiny body, digging her paws into his hand. “Remind me to tell Hayden to trim your nails,” he chuckled.
Her ears seemed to perk up and she climbed onto his stomach, watching him with a forlorn expression. Damien stared at her for a few moments, then sighed. “Well there’s no way I’m sleeping now.”
He kicked off the blanket and headed to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water, while at the same time, looking around for Dipper’s water bowl.
As he occupied himself, his thoughts drifted to Maya, recalling their talk on the balcony. She’d listened to him, a mix of sadness and rage in her features, as he’d told her what had happened to him while he was held captive.
Maya had gone to great lengths to reassure him that his rescue was real, that she and everyone else around them were real and that none of them would have ever considered leaving him behind in Eros’ clutches. After all the tricks Eros had pulled, it was still easy to doubt. Especially now that he had seen the impact Dames had had on them. Damien didn’t know much of what had happened in the short time his copy had stayed with them, but it was very obvious that everyone, even Alana, had been shaken by Dames’ death.
Damien also couldn’t help noticing differences in Maya’s mannerisms during their talk. She had nearly been reduced to tears when she’d confessed to kissing Dames at the Eiffel Tower and had apologized profusely for it. The guilt in her eyes had pulled at his heartstrings and though he’d reassured her that he wasn’t angry at her, he couldn’t help thinking there was more to her pain than he’d originally thought.
Like the way her shoulders hunched while discussing these topics. Or the barely noticeable hollowing under her eyes. When Cecile had showed him a video of her ‘vacationing’ in Paris, he’d been too overwhelmed by emotion at the time and the video had been too small for him to pick up on these details.
A soft whine broke him out of his thoughts. “Bear with me, girl.” He found her facing the entrance to the hallway that lead to the bedrooms. She was sitting up straight, only turning her head to see him. “You trying to tell me something?” She turned her body to face him and nudged her head in that direction, shuffling back several feet only to stop and stare at him again.
Frowning, Damien followed her towards what he recognized as Maya’s room; the door was shut. Dipper stopped in front of it, poking her nose just under the gap between the door and the floor.
Damien raised an eyebrow, wondering what the dog was worried about. He couldn’t hear anything beyond the door, so it wasn’t as though Maya was in trouble. Then again, after the dream he’d just had, he supposed it couldn’t hurt to go and check on her.
With that thought, he quietly turned the knob and crept in, stopping in his tracks when he took in the sight in front of him. Maya was curled under her bedsheets with a pillow tucked under her head, fast asleep.
On the floor. Not on the bed, but on the floor next to it.
Dipper trotted over to her and reached out to touch her with a tiny paw, whining softly. Maya stirred at the movement and turned around, jumping slightly at the new presence in her room. “Dipper?” she rubbed her eyes tiredly. “What’s wrong?”
“I think we should be asking you that,” Damien replied. Maya immediately looked up and her eyes widened slightly.
“Damien? What are you-”
“Maya? You know the bed’s there for a reason?”
She shrunk back, looking self-conscious now. “I must’ve fallen out during the night.”
“Right on top of your pillow?” He crossed his arms and stared her down in such a way that told her she wasn’t getting out of this.
Maya sighed, scratching at Dipper’s ears absentmindedly. “Damien, I’m fine.”
“Maya, we’re staying in a nice hotel with perfectly comfortable beds and you’re sleeping on the floor.” He knelt down to sit next to her. “You’re not fine. What’s going on?”
She shrugged. “I couldn’t sleep.” Then she looked at him. “I’m guessing you couldn’t either?”
“Something like that.” Damien leaned back against the dresser and Maya shifted closer to him, snuggling into his side.
“I’m sorry.”
“I am too.” He peered down at her, eyebrows furrowed, as he tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. Concern overtook him as his earlier observations of her tells came to mind. “Remember when you told me before that I can tell you anything? You know the same goes for you right?”
“You’ve been through a lot, Damien. Don’t worry about me.”
“You know who you’re talking to, right?”
When she didn’t answer, he decided to start the conversation himself. “I had a dream. About that moment when Cecile revealed ‘you’ as a match. And what happened after that.” She squeezed his hand as they sat in silence for a few moments. Nothing else needed to be said; she’d already heard what had happened.
Cecile had dangled her in front of him as if she was handing a child a toy and then breaking it five seconds later. It was all a game to her. But for Damien, it was his worst nightmare come to life. He’d watched Maya die, wept at her side, only to find out she wasn’t real; that none of his friends who’d visited him were real. His entire reality had been swept out from under him in that moment.
And now that he’d just gotten it back, there was another reality that was sinking in as he watched her uneasiness from earlier coming back to her. She wrapped her arms tightly around his waist and buried her face in his shoulder. Her body was stiff, but he could feel her starting to shiver.
“Maya . . .?”
“I’m fine, I- I just want to hold you.”
“Oh . . . all right, not here though.” Without a second thought, he gently lifted her in his arms, laying her back in bed and then settling in next to her. There was a soft ruffle of sheets as Dipper jumped on after them and situated herself on Damien’s leg, curling into a little ball and resting her head on his knee.
They watched her with an amused smile, the previous melancholy momentarily forgotten. Damien nuzzled his face against Maya’s chest as she played with his hair. “You know,” She broke the comfortable silence that had settled between them. “It’s probably doesn’t sound good to say, but now I can’t help wondering who had it worse – Dames or the fake me.”
“I saw genuine emotion in her eyes. Heard the fear in her voice when Cecile tased her.” He blinked back tears again.
“It’s okay, Damien. I know you cared about her.” Maya sighed sadly. “She really thought she was me. That she was being held captive. She must’ve felt so hopeful when they brought her to you and then to be dragged away and killed . . .”
“The second I saw her go down . . . when I thought I’d lost you for good . . .” He inhaled sharply as a sob escaped him. “Detaching from the copies of the others was hard enough, but every time I looked at you I just- even though it was a lie-”
“She never meant to fool you, Damien. Just like Dames never meant to fool us. If she’d been given a choice, she would never have deceived you.” Maya bit her lip before continuing. “Both of them were used by Eros to trick us, treated like expendable tools to get data. But Dames . . . as bad as he had it, he at least had those three weeks with us. He learned the truth and used it to take matters into his own hands.” She held him more tightly as she continued. “Whereas my copy didn’t even last ten minutes. She had no say in the matter and didn’t even know it.”
“I guess you’re right,” Damien said. “She deserved better. They both did.” He watched Maya patiently, taking in her contemplative expression.
“I’m here for you, Damien.” She said quietly. “I’m real. You know that now, right?”
“I do know. I always knew.” He sighed. “But what I don’t know is how you’ve been handling all this.” He drew back to find her watching him, surprised.
“I-” She opened her mouth, then closed it again. “I’m fine, Damien. I just really missed you.”
“Maya, I can tell I’m not the only one who’s gone through a lot these past few weeks.” He watched her imploringly, knowing why she was hesitating. She didn’t want him to think he’d burdened her with his problems, and in the process, was holding back problems of her own. “I would give anything to have been here for you, but Eros took that from me; I want that chance again. Please tell me what’s wrong.”
Tears welled in her eyes again and she nodded. “I . . . feel guilty. For you . . . and for Dames.” Maya’s voice wavered. “Because of my carelessness, you were imprisoned and tortured.” She tightened her embrace and curled further into him. “I never wanted you to be hurt. I was just so caught up in everything that I wanted to believe we were safe. That’s why I didn’t suspect anything when we kissed and I almost told him that I lo-” She suddenly stopped and bit her lip.
Damien’s breath hitched. “That you what?”
She shook her head. “I don’t want to say.”
Realization crept over him, but the distress on her face kept him from prodding for details. “I’m not mad at you, Maya. I get it. I also kissed your-”
“When Cecile showed the video of me. Did you think that I knew you were missing and abandoned you anyway?”
Her question shocked Damien into silence. That was when it truly hit him just how much she’d suffered. For three weeks, he’d wallowed in self-loathing over Eros’ lies whereas she’d been doing the same over Eros’ truths. Which one was worse, it was hard to tell. From a cursory glance of that video, Maya had seemed happy. He’d suspected that there was more going on behind the scenes; but in his lowest moments in that cell, it wasn’t hard to have moments of doubt.
And now, as Damien watched her lower lip start to tremble, he hated himself for it.
“Cecile pulled every trick in the book to break me, to make me lose hope. And to some extent, it worked.” He pulled her closer again. “But one thing that never worked was her trying to change how I saw you.” He heard her sniffle and he rested his chin on top of her head. “Finding out that you weren’t really there, but were in fact in Paris did hurt.”
“Damien . . .”
“But I never really believed you would abandon me,” he said. “No, the Maya who tased that guard who was interrogating me, who convinced Alana to stay and fight with us in spite of what she did; the Maya who charged right back into danger to save Hayden when it would’ve been easier to leave him behind,” he shook his head, getting his thoughts together.
“Something felt off about it. I thought maybe the Maya they showed in that footage was also a match. Then like I told Dames back at the facility, I realized that maybe they sent someone in my place – I mean, they had copies of you guys, why not me? And when Cecile recorded that video to send to you, I suspected it more but I wasn’t about to let anyone know that. They’d already messed with my reality enough.”
“What kept me going was that the Maya that Cecile killed in front of me wasn’t you,” He quickly brushed away another tear. “You were alive and safe somewhere.”
“That footage she showed?” Maya cut in, her voice laced with anger. “I’m guessing she left out the bits from the first week when we’d found out you’d been captured.” Damien stroked her hair, encouraging her to continue. “When I found you in that cell, there was so much I wanted to tell you but I didn’t think you’d believe me. After what they did to you . . .”
“You can tell me now,” He said softly. “I’m listening this time. To the real you.”
Maya sighed, gathering her thoughts before she told him everything; about her breakdown at the hotel that had spiraled into a depression, which would’ve gotten worse if it hadn’t been for her friends. Her breaths grew shaky as she spoke. “There were so many awful scenarios I couldn’t get out of my head. What conditions you were in. If you were eating properly, if you even had a bed to sleep on . . .”
If you even had a bed to sleep on . . .
That last sentence hit home and Damien swallowed hard, as if trying to quell the dull ache in his chest before it started. “Is that why you were sleeping on the floor? To punish yourself?”
“That’s what it was at first.”
‘At first’. Damien shut his eyes, unable to hide his pained expression. She’s done this before.
“I couldn’t sleep through the night, thinking that you were suffering somewhere while I had all these comforts. It felt so . . . imbalanced . . . so wrong. Especially knowing that until we found out where you were, there was nothing I could do to share your pain.”
“No . . .” He pulled her closer, shaking his head. “God Maya, why would you-”
“I tried to stop,” she said. “But I’d done it enough times that it became a habit. I stayed with Nadia or Sloane sometimes, but when I was alone-” Maya inhaled sharply. “I tried to be strong for the others, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t missing you like crazy . . . waking up every couple of hours, only to remember that you weren’t there.” She looked up at him, her eyes shining with fresh tears. “Because of me.”
“Stop.” Damien squeezed her even more tightly.
“I just- I wasn’t sure if you knew about Dames and then when I got to your cell and you were so angry at me . . .”
“No, no of course not.”
“But you pushed me away. You yelled at me.” Her tears were flowing freely now. “I know it was because you thought I was a match but now that I know Cecile showed you that video and that you already knew that we left without you . . . I felt like you doubted me.”
“I don’t blame you for feeling that way. But it’s not like that.” Damien explained. “I was angry. But not for the reasons you think. I just didn’t want to give Eros anything else on me anymore. Taking our relationship and exploiting it for data.” His jaw tightened at the memories that came up. “For playing with my feelings, part of me wanted to run at those matches and beat the hell out of them. But when they’d actually show up- if I didn’t care so much about you guys, maybe I would’ve . . . I don’t know.”
Damien shook his head, conflicted. “I couldn’t do it, no matter how angry it made me to look at them, I hated seeing them look hurt when I’d push them away. To see you hurt. And those bastards knew it. That’s why they kept- I was just so . . .”
“Yeah I get it,” she whispered. “I felt the same way about Dames.” Maya wiped her eyes. “He was a good person. But every time I looked at him, I’d see you first. And he knew it. I treated him like a person- he was his own person. But to see him looking at me the way you would and have to remind myself to not tell him things I’d only tell you, to not hold him the way I wanted to hold you.”
She took another deep breath as more tears spilled down her cheeks. “Every time I had to keep him at a distance, it was so cruel. To think you came back to me, only to remember the reality. I ended up hurting him because of that.”
Damien nodded understandingly. “Dames was programmed from me, so he had my feelings. But he couldn’t act on them.”
“It’s all my fault,” Maya sobbed. “I failed you and now Dames. And now he’s-”
“Maya . . .” he shushed her gently. “You did the best you could.”
“His life wouldn’t have been like this if I’d been more careful. And you wouldn’t have gone through hell.” she cried. “I’m the worst, I’m a horrible person!”
“No, you’re not. Look at me,” he said firmly, cupping her face with one hand. “If anything, you’re the reason we’re safe. You brought everyone together at a time when none of us were getting along. You won Alana’s respect even after that stunt she pulled in Moscow. Even now, the second you found out the truth, you stayed. And you crossed the seas to find me.” Damien pressed his lips to her cheeks, kissing her tears away. “You’re an amazing, sweet person, Maya. And my favorite person.”
“You deserve the world, D,” she said, as she managed to collect herself. “And I keep failing you again and again, I’m sorry . . .”
Damien silenced her by pulling her close, rocking her back and forth as she cried quietly in his arms. In the process, he found himself crying as well. They held each other like this for several minutes, finally pouring out all the pent up sadness and grief that had plagued them for so long.
They could go back and forth on this all night, though the truth was that there was no blame here.
But when a person cared that much for someone, they would do anything to take their problems away – even if it meant shouldering all the burden. This whole time it was what he had done during his captivity, albeit under false pretenses, and so had she. Both had nearly lost their sanity trying to carry each other’s burden. But tonight, they’d actually shared it.
And now, they could start letting go of residual feelings and all the falsehoods Eros had planted in their lives to poison them. It was time to move forward into the reality where there was actually hope, where they could hold each other for real.
After what felt like hours, Damien lay on his back, cradling Maya against his chest. For the first time tonight, he finally felt calmer and safer. Though he was far from his physical home, this was his real home – here in her arms . . . complemented with an adorable dog lying next to them and licking his feet, content that her human friends were happy again.
And most importantly, the girl of his dreams was now his reality, drawing out every kiss with him until a peaceful sleep overtook them.