A Comforting Embrace

Author’s Note: This takes place after the events of book 2, chapter 4 of TS. 

Possible Trigger Warnings: This contains the thoughts and feelings of someone going through a panic attack.

You are so stupid.

The toxic thought floods her mind, shoving away everything positive until only it remains.

How could you do that?

How could you forget?

So, so stupid.

Dumb.

Worthless.

Idiot.

Tillie sits on her bed, hugging her knees to her chest tightly. Maybe, if she makes herself small enough, she’ll just disappear. Then she won’t have to deal with everything: all of the issues surrounding the house, her increasingly challenging coursework, making sure her friends are okay, and now the book release.

You should have remembered. How dense do you have to be to forget your own book release?

A waterfall of hot tears stings her cheeks. Her body shakes with every sharp, ragged inhale she takes.

Her day had been so amazing. The date with Zig freed her from all the worries and stress weighing her down. Their trip to Little Italy had left her feeling carefree and giddy, while their time on the hill filled her with euphoria. She felt truly safe and happy for the first time since the housing debacle started.

With everything going on she’d felt herself retreating into her shell again, but he pulled her out and challenged her to be spontaneous and silly. She had loved every moment of it.

The dinner with Zig, her housemates, and Grant had been icing on the cake.

And then Gabriela had called.

She’d completely forgotten about the book release this weekend, her book release, adding another responsibility to an already daunting pile.

So incredibly stupid.

No one is going to buy your book.

Why would they? If you can’t remember something simple like the date of your own book release, do you really think you could manage to write anything other than a steaming pile of garbage?

The evil, poisonous voice booms in her head, all logic is pushed aside as it floods her mind with lies disguised as facts.

You can’t do anything right.

Her hands are in fists now, freshly ripped and jagged nails digging into her palms. The ice cream and waffles from dinner threaten to make a reappearance as her stomach ties itself into knots. An invisible force wraps itself around her windpipe making breathing nearly impossible.

She had been doing so well. Sure, she was stressed, busy, and a little anxious at times, but wasn’t that how it usually was? She’d weathered worse struggles in the past year without her panic attacks flaring up. So why now? Why this trigger?

Because you’re a liar.

The thought flashes in bright neon lights inside her mind. Liar. Liar. Liar.

You’re not a writer, you’re just a washed up nerd playing pretend. Everyone unfortunate enough to read your book will discover the truth.

They’ll all see you for what you really are: a fraud.

Her heart is pounding now, trying to race out of her chest and escape the terror wracking her body. She pulls her legs in even closer and focuses every last bit of energy into one massive inhale through her nose.

STOP. It’s okay. Everything is okay.

She knows her brain is playing tricks on her again, feeding her misinformation, and she’s determined to regain control of her own thoughts.

Breathe. In. And out. In. And out.

Her lungs fill with fresh air and after several focused breaths she feels her muscles slowly start to relax. The tears have almost stopped when she hears a soft knock on the door.

“Hey Till, are you in there?” Zig’s smooth voice sneaks through the doorway.

Panic pools in her stomach once again. He can’t see her like this, not now.

Tillie tries to respond, tries to tell him she’s busy and she’ll be out in a minute, but all that escapes her lips is a surprisingly loud squeak.

Shit.

The door opens with a soft creak.

“It’s getting late and I should probably head back, but I…” he trails off and she knows he’s soaking in the depressing scene before him.

“Hey, Till, are you okay?” Zig asks softly, his voice laden with worry.

Tillie’s cheeks burn with embarrassment. She’d told him about her anxiety before and he’d seen her get unnecessarily worried, but this was different. He’d never witnessed her having a full blown attack before.

Her mind is telling her to run, to hide away from him, but her muscles are still paralyzed in fear. She hears him inching closer and her heart thunders in her ears, a terrifying thought washing over her.

What if he realizes I’m too much trouble and doesn’t love me anymore?

“Tillie, what happened?” Concern and tenderness fill his voice and Tillie feels herself relax ever so slightly, but her own voice still refuses to make an appearance.

“Can I sit next to you?”

Tillie manages a small nod. She feels the bed dip as he settles in and the heat radiating from his now near body is surprisingly comforting.

His shoulder brushes against her briefly, spreading a wave of warmth through her. She finds herself leaning into him and soon his strong arms are around her, his firm chest pressed against her side.

They remain like that for several long minutes, Tillie cocooned in Zig’s comforting embrace, until she feels the panic subside.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers glumly.

“For what?” Zig responds perplexed.

“I was stupid. I forgot about my own book release and I felt so idiotic and overwhelmed and I just… I just started to panic,” the words tumble from her lips before she can stop them and she holds her breath as she awaits his response.

His arms loosen around her causing her heart to drop.

He’s going to leave. He’s going to see I’m not worth it and leave.

But soon his fingers brush against her cheeks gently. His hand cups her chin, slowly guiding her face towards his.

She opens her eyes to find two chocolate brown orbs gazing at her with more tenderness than she knew was possible.

“You’re not stupid, Tillie. You were stressed and you forgot. You’re human, it happens.” She watches his lips as he speaks and his calm, loving tone soothes her still frazzled nerves.

“I know, it just… it surprised me and suddenly I felt like the world was caving in on me.”

Rough lips skim her forehead, leaving behind a gentle, soothing kiss.

“Is there anything else I can do, to help you?” The genuine concern and kindness in his voice makes her heart swell.

“No, you’ve already helped more than I imagined possible,” she responds, breaking his gaze to rest her forehead against his. “I’m calmer now, but I think I’m going to call it a night. Thank you, for helping. It… it means a lot, but I don’t want to keep you if you need to leave. I…I don’t want to be a burden.” She’s word vomiting now and she knows it, but she’s too emotionally drained to keep anything in.

His lips are on hers in an instant and she melts into the hard yet tender kiss. When they break apart, he locks eyes with her again and his gaze is so intense she’s sure he can see into her soul.

“You are never a burden to me, Tillie.” He insists, rubbing soft circles on her cheek with his thumb. “I love you, Matilda Frye. I love your body, mind, and soul. I love you even when you feel broken.” He places another, more gentle, kiss on her lips and she feels the straggling bits of doubt and fear leave her mind.

“Stay with me, please?” She whispers into his lips.

“I would love nothing more.”

As she drifts off to sleep, Zig’s arms wrapped tightly around her, his hard chest pressed against her back, one thought lingers in her mind.

Maybe everything will be ok. Maybe I can get through this, like I always seem to do.

And for once that night, she actually believes herself.

– The End