A Risk Worth Taking

Author’s Note:  I tried not to jump on the Ramsey train, I resisted as long as I could … yet here I am, whipped and loving it.  This is my rendition of the gloriously steamy then angsty chapter 10 diamond scene last week as told from Ethan’s point-of-view.  Enjoy!

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The soft night breeze tickled lightly against his cheek, ruffling his hair as he lifted the glass of Pinot Noir to his lips and took a smooth sip. He found himself gazing out over the gentle rolling waves of the Atlantic Ocean, mesmerized by the moonlight dancing across the waters in a rhythmic pattern.  It was a beautiful night, peaceful and clear … which is exactly why Dr. Ethan Ramsey should have known to stay away.

He had planned for a quiet evening alone, hoping that the tranquil surroundings of this seaside paradise would help him focus and process the eventful day he’d had.  Despite his usual reserved demeanor, he’d played a huge gamble on that game with Declan Nash … and luckily won. But it was still a game that he would normally never have risked so much on, a strategic tactic that was well outside of his usual comfort zone.

Perhaps what scared him the most was that he’d taken a different risk tonight, a game he knew he’d already lost the second he agreed to play.  She’d asked him to come in for a drink … and he’d said yes.

“So sorry.”  Alex’s quiet apologetic voice chimed as her heels clicked softly against the tiles of the balcony.  “Sienna made me promise to check in with her tonight after the convention.” She gave him a weak smile as she picked the bottle of wine up from the table, gesturing to him questioningly.

“Thank you.”  He murmured, extending his glass to her and allowing her to fill it.  He knew he should have stopped after that last glass, the warmth of the alcohol buzzing in his veins and lowering his inhibitions already.  “I hope Dr. Trinh was satisfied that we’ve been treating you well.”

Her eyes flicked to his when he spoke, a flash of something unidentifiable behind them as the corners of her lips quirked upwards.  “She knows you’re taking good care of me.” She topped off her own glass of wine before sidling up next to him, leaning against the column as she peered out across the ocean.  A moment later she glanced over at him, her gaze soft. “And don’t worry, I didn’t tell her everything. Your secret is safe with me.”

Ethan swallowed hard at her confession, unsure which secret she was referencing … Dr. Banerji’s illness, his gamble with Declan earlier this evening, or the fact that he was alone with her under the moonlight at this very moment.  He tore his eyes away from hers, staring out over the waves, too afraid to reply for fear that she’d see through him at one word.

“So, I believe you were telling me about Naveen’s plan for the diagnostic team before Sienna interrupted.”  Her crystal blue eyes were wide with interest, genuine interest, making it impossible for Ethan not to comply with her request.

“Naveen always hoped we’d find a way to make the diagnostics team publicly funded … So that no one would need to pay, no matter their insurance or income.”  A wistful smile met his lips as he recalled the dreams he and his mentor had had for the Edenbrook team. So many dreams, so many years.

“What will he think of getting Panacea Labs involved?”  She asked in a hesitant voice.

Ethan shook his head and chuckled.  “He’ll give me the worst chewing out of my life.  And I’ll deserve it. I’ve compromised his vision, my ethics … “  If only she knew how much my ethics were being tested lately, he pondered as he took another draw of wine.  He cleared his throat before speaking again. “But if he survives this … it’ll all have been worth it.”

“Do you really believe that?”

He looked up to meet her eyes, a concerned expression painted across her features.  How is she able to know my thoughts before I even know them myself?  He sighed with resignation, unable to maintain the confident facade in her presence.  “I don’t know. Ten years ago, I was right where you are. A wide-eyed intern, dreaming of what I’d do when I was an attending.  I certainly wasn’t dreaming of this.” He paused, his eyes set in a blank stare before him as the disheartening realization washed over him.  “But things change. People change.”

They stood together in comfortable silence for a few moments, Ethan relieved that Alex had not pressured him to continue.  As the clock ticked by, he became acutely aware of her close proximity … the subtle fragrance of orange blossoms drifting through the space between them, the soft thump of her index finger slowly drumming against her wine glass as she stared out across the waves.  Suddenly the silence felt deafening, the easiness of it all feeling far more intimate than words ever could.

Ethan stood upright, loosening the bow tie and collar that felt as if they were choking him all of a sudden.  “What about you? What kind of doctor do you see yourself being in ten years?” He hoped she didn’t notice how sharply his words came out at first, as if he were trying too hard to keep things casual.  

Without hesitation, Alex looked at him straight-on and responded.  “The kind of doctor who could make a difference in patient care.”

Of course … He knew the answer without asking, having seen evidence of it every day since she’d arrived at Edenbrook.  Her passion for her patients was one of the things that made her so great. One of the things he admired the most about her.  “More than you do now?”

She scoffed, shrugging her shoulders in dismay as she studied him.  ”I’m only an intern! I do barely anything now!”

He shook his head in disagreement.  “Not true. I’ve seen how hard you work for your patients.  Even if they don’t always value it, you do make a difference.”

“But not enough!”  Alex exclaimed loudly, her emotions getting the best of her.  Ethan fought the urge to smile at her outburst, at the adorable way he’d found her eyebrows knitted when she got fired up.  “I helped one uninsured patient receive care, but I can’t find loopholes for everyone.” She released a loud huff, slumping against the column and staring off into the distance.  When she had finally calmed she turned back to face him, sincerity behind her eyes. “The entire system needs to change, and I want to be a part of it.”

“And I have no doubt you’ll find a way.”  His voice was softer now, gentle and reassuring.  

“It just seems like … the higher I aspire, the more I stand to lose.”  Her voice trailed off in a shaky whisper. As the moonlight cast across her face, he saw the gleam of unshed tears in her eyes.  And it nearly took his breath away.

“I … certainly understand that.” His words came out soft and low.  He felt something stirring within him, so mesmerized by the beauty in her vulnerability.  He wanted so badly to reach out and hold her, to wipe away her tears and comfort her. So instead he tried to comfort her in the only way he could … by sharing with her a side of him that he’d kept locked away for so long.  “What you saw tonight, that’s not me. I don’t gamble … on anything. I don’t take chances.”

He set down his glass and rubbed his hands together as he leaned over the railing.  When he glanced up he found her waiting patiently, stray wisps of her golden hair fluttering in the wind as she focused on his face.  Meeting her gaze, he felt his body relax and his nerves calm as he continued his confession. “Medicine is an assembly of facts leading to a conclusion.  Once you know the rules and understand the diseases you’re working with, the risk should be minimal. Your decisions are informed, and you choose the safest path.  But that card game … I’ve never done anything like that before.”

Alex shifted closer, resting a hand lightly atop his on the railing.  The warmth of her palm on his skin was comforting, the moonlight dancing in her eyes entrancing.  “I don’t know. It seemed like a pretty well-informed decision to me.”

“Risking Naveen’s treatment on a game?  Having to hope I’d judged Declan’s character well enough to risk losing instead of using a winning hand?”  The rational side of him persisted, a deep grumble erupting from his throat. “There were too many variables!  I could have lost everything!” He closed his eyes and sighed, hanging his head defeatedly.

The soft squeeze of her hand on his brought him back to the moment.  “But you were right. Your risk paid off.”

“It did … and I’m beginning to realize …”  He raised his head to find her face closer now, so close that he could see the flecks of grey dotted in her sapphire irises and the light dusting of freckles across her nose. “There are some things that are worth any risk.”

Ever so slowly, Alex raised her hand to his face, her eyes following its motion as she tentatively stroked his cheek before cupping it in her palm.  When she finally met his stare, her eyes glistening in the moonlight, Ethan felt the rest of the world fading away. “Alex, I …”

“I know.”  She whispered … and he knew she did.  He closed his eyes, nuzzling his face into her palm and reveling in the delicate stroke of her thumb across his cheekbone.  He inhaled deeply, the smell of her skin intoxicating him, awakening an ache deep within him …

Suddenly his eyes flew open, flashing with desire as he swiftly looped an arm around her waist and pulled her body flush against his.  Alex released a sharp exhale of surprise, but it was quickly muffled by his lips capturing hers in a fervent kiss. She melted into him, returning his kiss willingly until she finally pulled away breathless.  “Dr. Ramsey, you’re—“

“Ethan.”  He commanded, his steely grey eyes searching hers.

“Ethan …” She tried it carefully, the sound of his name from her lips causing his heart to swell.  “I’ve been wanting this.”

He marveled as her lips turned up in a satisfied smile.   “So have I.” His expression turned tender as he lifted a hand to graze her jaw, then twined his fingers through her hair to gently guide her lips back to his.  He kissed her softly, slowly, communicating all the emotions that his closed-off heart was unable to say out loud. His lips traveled across her jaw, up to her temple, pressing a single kiss over each of her eyelids … treasuring each touch, each noise, each moment as if he wanted it to last forever.  

When his mouth met hers again, Alex gripped him by the lapels of his jacket, holding him tightly against her.  Her lips parted slightly against his, inviting him in, demanding more. She met his tongue timidly at first, tickling his lips until he was ravenous, kissing her deeply.  Moaning audibly, her back arched into him as his hands ran down her sides. Her fingers glided through his dark hair and her breath came out in soft pants as his lips blazed a hot path down her neck.  Lightly tracing his finger along the hollow of her neck and across her collarbone, his lips follow behind them laying soft kisses against her warm skin. His thumb trails along the edge of her dress, kneading the curvy flesh of her breast spilling over until she was squirming against him.  

When she slid her hands over the firm skin of his chest, attempting to shrug the stiff white fabric of his shirt off his shoulders, Ethan reached up to halt her moving hands with his own.  His eyes, normally the color of a blue sky on a warm spring day, were almost as dark as a starless night as they bored into hers. His words came out in a breathy exhale, tentative and low.  “What if someone sees us?”

“I don’t care.”  Alex murmured, her eyes dark and her lips pursed in a coy smirk.  She pushed him with the palms of her hands pressed against his chest until his back met the railing, leaning her body against his until her face is dangerously close.  “Let them see.”

Ethan released a low growl and surged forward to capture her lips again, cupping her waist in his broad grip.  His hands roamed down her thighs, across her backside, the fabric of her dress bunched in his fists as he grasped her by the hips to pull her tighter.  She moaned into his mouth and dug her fingers into the skin at his waist when she felt the hard evidence of his arousal against her belly.

“Alexandra …” his breath tickled her skin as he whispered her name.

She pulled away, her expression drowsy and blissful.  “You said my name. My whole name.”

He leaned back slightly, his eyes focused on the gentle slope of her mouth as it tugged into a smile.  “It’s beautiful.” His studied her features, his gaze filled with affection. “You’re beautiful, Alexandra.”  He lifts a hand to brush the blonde hair from her brow, his thumb lingering on her lip, pink and swollen from his kisses.  “What are you doing to me?” He whispered, his voice filled with awe.

“Hopefully something good.”  She gives him a soft smile, her eyes searching his.

“Alex, I’ve never done anything like this.  Ever. This is- “ Alex stops him, hushing him with a single finger against his lips.  He watched in bewilderment as she pressed her palm against his chest where his heart beat, then slowly took his hand to place over her own.   

He stared at his hand pressed against her skin, almost able to see the vibrations of her heart thudding in her chest, the rhythm against his fingertips matching the cadence of his own. He raised his gaze, his eyes flickering between hers.  “You feel amazing.”

She leans into him again, kissing him softly under the moonlight.  A strong breeze swirled around them, and he feels her body shiver against him at the chill in the air.  He pulled away, rubbing his hands over her bare shoulders to warm her. “Let’s get you inside.” She gives him a slight nod and smiles gratefully, reaching down to lace her fingers in his and leading him inside.  

Ethan released her hand at the door, gripping the handle to secure it closed behind them.  As the door clicked closed he paused, staring at his fingers wrapped around the handle. Suddenly in the harsh light of reality, without the soft glow of the moonlight and the gentle melody of the ocean waves … everything looked different.

“Ethan?”  He hears her call to him, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before turning to her.

She looked more beautiful than he’d ever seen her before, her long golden hair unraveled and draped across her shoulders.  As she leaned back on one arm the light caught the sequins of her dress, the shimmer dancing with each shallow breath she took.  Her eyes were wide and warm, her lips parted slightly as she waited … But to Ethan Ramsey, the most beautiful thing about her in that moment was that she was there for him.  

He knew beauty could be a dangerous trick though.  

“Ethan?”  She asked again, this time her voice shaky.

He took a step forward into the room, still maintaining a safe distance.  He straightened his shoulders, holding his head high as if that would make this part easier.  “We can’t. We can’t go further. We’ve already crossed a line.”

Her jaw dropped slightly, her mouth agape as she shook her head in confusion.  “Did I do something wrong?”

He took another step towards her, extending a hand as if to comfort her.  “Of course not, not in the slightest. You …” He caught himself, bringing his hands to his sides as he cleared his throat.  “No, I did. I shouldn’t have let this happen. And it can’t happen again.”

“What?  Why not?”  Her face twisted in a confused scowl, the pain evident in her features.  

He clenched his hands into fists.  Stay strong.  “I’m an attending, and you’re an intern.  You’re in the running to join my team. I’d be your boss-“

“So?”  He could see the tears forming in her eyes now.

“It’s unethical.  And it’s complicated.”  His voice was softer now, unable to hide the remorse he was feeling.

“Ethan, no one would have to know.”  Her voice was tight as she tried to hold back the sob forming in her throat.

“We would know, Alex.  We would know.” He whispered softly.

The first tear fell down her cheek, leaving a wet path in its wake.  Ethan felt it like a punch in the gut. If only he could make her understand … “I need to be able to push you to your limits.  To help you become the doctor you want to be. The one I know you can be. I can’t do that if I …” His voice trailed off. If I let myself love you.

“If you … what?”  She sniffled, her eyes glossy and pleading, desperately clinging to that last shred of hope.

Ethan stepped away, his brows furrowed angrily as he shook his head.  “I’m sorry. I should have stopped myself before …” He stops, pausing for a moment before raising his eyes to meet hers.  The hurt he found there nearly broke his resolve, made him want to forget all the rules and take her in his arms tonight and every night for as long as she would have him.  He knew he needed to leave before he let that happen.

“I’ll see you in the morning.”  The words came out flat and emotionless, and before he could change his mind he took several broad strides towards the door.

“Ethan!”  He winced as he heard her sob his name.  True to his intent, he didn’t turn around as he slipped out the door.

~~~

Hours later, he found himself lying awake, staring at the crinkly texture of the paint on the ceiling above him.  The image of Alex on the bed with a single tear running down her cheek haunted him, the sound of her crying as he closed the door behind him echoed in his mind.

Ethan Ramsey had always prided himself as being a logical man, determined and responsible.  He followed his moral compass all the way to become the successful man he was today. No questions, no regrets … that’s how he had led his life for years now.

So why was tonight the first time doing the right thing felt so wrong?

END