Ever since the day with the sunflowers, Riley felt as though she could feel Drake. It’s not possible. He’s gone, you know he’s gone. You felt his body go cold.
She knew the truth, but that didn’t make the feeling that he was near go away. She swore she could hear his voice at times, telling her that he understood and needed her to let him go. More than a few times she felt as though she could almost feel him. The way her hair fluttered even when the air was still. The way she would feel a shiver up her spine as if his hand stroked her back while she sat alone staring off into space.
Was he really there telling her she needed to let him go, or was she just so grief stricken that she created this connection to him in her mind?
She knew she needed to try to release him— the hold he had on her heart— if she ever wanted to find a way to care for their child without breaking into tears every time she looked at him or her. Yet, she didn’t know if she could ever truly let him go. She loved him so deeply it felt as though he ran through her veins.
She spent her days sitting on the balcony staring at the field of sunflowers Drake had planted for her. The love he must have felt to do something like that for her; could she ever truly release him? Would she ever be able to move on without him?
She squeezed her eyes shut. She knew she didn’t have a choice. He wasn’t here anymore; he hadn’t been there in nearly four months and he’d never again be by her side. She’d never again see his smile or hear his laugh. She’d never watch him cradle their child in his arms. Her hand instinctively moved to her tiny bump. She could do this, she could move forward for her peanut. He’s already gone.
She shook her head. I need to do something. She knew she would never be able to leave him behind if she sat and thought about him all day. How can I release the man who stole my heart? She knew she had no choice, yet the prospect of leaving him behind without a trace made her heart ache.
Riley pushed the door to the room next to hers open. She sucked in a breath as she flipped on the light, her eyes stinging with fresh tears as memories rushed forward.
Riley beamed as she walked into the bedroom closest to hers, soon to be theirs. She’d spent the afternoon exploring the expansive manor with Drake naming a use or function for several of the unused rooms. Each room that was currently occupied by a friend they declared theirs for the future. Her eyes traced over the large space, her mind replacing the ornate bed and dresser with a simple crib and coordinating dresser set.
“What’s this room for?” Drake asked pulling her close by her hips.
Her hazel eyes shone brightly as her lips parted to speak. “The nursery.”
“The nursery huh?”
Her heart sank, he’d said the night before on the balcony he wanted children. They had spoken about kids before, did she mention it too soon?
Drake’s chestnut eyes scanned the room, her heart pounded in her chest as she waited for him to speak. “Sounds perfect.”
It felt like she could breathe again, her lungs expanding fully with joy and oxygen. “Really?”
“Really, I can’t wait to fill this entire manor with the sound of our laughing children.
Children, he wants children with me. Her heart skipped a beat, she’d give him as many as he wanted, two, five, a dozen, it didn’t matter as long as it was with him. She felt stronger and more capable than ever before when he was at her side.
She let out a gasp as his lips met hers. His tongue slipped past her lips, tongues rolling together as they became lost in each other.
Riley blinked back fat tears, her left hand gripping the edge of the ornate dresser so tightly her knuckles turned white. She wished they had spoken more about the room, she had no clue what Drake would want. She felt completely lost; this child was a piece of both of them she wanted the room he or she grew up in to reflect Drake too, not just her. White walls with a border, an accent wall, paint them all, a mural? Natural wood or painted? She felt completely lost when it came to how to decorate their child’s room.
She shook her head sadly. I wish you were still here. Peanut needs us both. Her hand brushed her stomach. Will I ever stop feeling so broken? Can I ever stop crying at every memory?
She flipped off the light as she exited the room, pulling the door shut behind her. She didn’t have a clue as to how to start planning to decorate the space, but she needed to try. Maybe…
She moved quickly down the halls, her feet moving more swiftly than they had in weeks. She lightly rapped on the door with her knuckles. She may have been completely clueless when it came to Drake’s decorating tastes but she could think of one person who might have an idea.
Hazel eyes met surprised grey as he opened the door. “Duchess Riley.” He was more than a little surprised to see her on the other side of his door; she hadn’t left her room in weeks except to go to appointments. “Is something wrong?”
“Yes—no.” She felt silly for coming to him for help with something like this. She wished she didn’t have to; she wished she could plan everything with her husband as they laughed and speculated who their child would resemble more. Her hands twisted and turned as though she were tying invisible knots. She took a deep breath. She hated bothering him but she was already there. She could see the concern etched on his face and she wished more than anything that Drake was still there, that none of them felt the pain of his absence. “I wanted to work on the nursery.” He’s here for security, not to pick up the slack caused by Drake’s death. She paused, feeling more than a little ridiculous asking him for help. “I just feel like I need to try to do something to make me stop thinking all the time.” The words came out rushed nearly blending together.
Bastien placed his hand on hers, stilling them. His grey eyes were soft as hazel raised to meet his. “Breathe.”
She nodded slowly, feeling slightly calmer just from his understanding. “I realized I don’t know what Drake would like.” She looked down at her hands, his larger one still covering hers, warmth seeping into them. “I wouldn’t even know where to start, and I’m not sure who to ask to clear out the room since relieving Gladys.” She felt a sharp pang in her chest. Justin has been a shock, but Gladys was someone with the most intimate knowledge of their house, their home. Anything that went on in the manor Gladys would surely know, and she had easily sold them out. “I know you’re busy.” She slowly raised her eyes up to meet his. “Could—do you think you could help me?”
He offered her a soft smile. “Of course.”
*
Riley looked around the newly cleared out room. It was now a blank slate, her first step in starting over. Her stomach lurched. Not starting over, moving forward, trying to live without the man who so easily claimed my heart.
When she had asked Bastien to help she hadn’t expected him to take on so much of the task on his own. He loved Drake too, he feels responsible too. She felt so thankful that he was kind, understanding and willing to help. She wasn’t sure what she would do without him. Sure she had Hana, Maxwell, and Olivia, but Bastien knew a side of Drake they didn’t.
She stared at the stark walls, debating how to treat them. What would you want Drake? She closed her eyes in thought, hoping to connect.
Paint them pale blue.
Her eyes snapped open, her hand moving to her cheek. A lingering tingle remained from where she was sure he just touched her. “Let’s paint them all pale blue, puffy white clouds on the upper third of the middle wall.”
Perfect, our peanut can sleep under the clouds.
She let out a shuddering breath, would this ever get easier?
Don’t forget your grandparents.
“A few tall sunflowers in the middle of the wall. I want it to look like they are peeking from behind the crib.” She turned towards Bastien, tears shining in her hazel eyes. “Is that doable? Would Drake like that?”
Bastien gave her a soft smile. “I’m sure we can find someone to do it. Drake would love it.”
Riley nodded as a few tears escaped her eyes and trailed down her pale cheeks. It was slowly coming together; she was slowly releasing him while still remembering him. She could do this. She would survive without him by her side.
