And Still, Part 1/2

Summary: A year after finishing her residency and leaving Boston, Callie runs into Ethan at a conference. A future fic that assumes MC does not get the junior fellowship.

Note: A huge, huge thank you to my dear friends lovemesomesnark and enmchoices for letting me ramble on and on about this idea while it came to life. 🙂 And a very Happy Early Birthday to lovemesomesnark as well! 😊

“Callie?”

The voice comes from somewhere behind her and stops her in her tracks. She hasn’t heard that voice in nearly a year. Her heart starts beating a little faster almost immediately when she hears it. She doesn’t know if she feels regretful or grateful for that.

So much for time and distance making your feelings go away, she thinks wryly. Part of her thinks she should be wishing for no reaction at all to him, but part of her, a part deep down that she sort of suspected wouldn’t go away, whispers that surely the way she’s feeling must mean something for them.

Callie turns and spots his familiar face right away.

“Ethan?”

He makes his way over to her and she wills her traitorous heart to stop racing, to at least give her a chance. Her silent pleas go ignored, though, her heart thumping away even more insistently.

It’s not entirely a surprise to run into him here. Some of the best medical minds in the country will be at this conference. She wonders if anyone else from Edenwood is here with him and bites back an unreasonable surge of jealousy. She could have been here with him, if she’d stayed.

“I’d say fancy running into you here, but I’d be more surprised not to see you,” Callie greets him.

It’s almost unfair how achingly handsome he is. He looks as relaxed as she’s ever seen him, though she thinks the lack of his usual lab coat and the coffee cup in his hand might have something to do with that.

“I try not to miss this conference. And I heard you were presenting later today,” Ethan says.

“I am.” A smile crosses her face just thinking about it. She’s excited and flattered to be presenting the research her team has been working on in Chicago. It’s consumed her life over the past year. Most of the time she’s grateful to be doing something she loves so much.

Still, there were nights and weekends when she was alone in her apartment and reminded of all the reasons why she hadn’t wanted her career to take over her entire life. As much as she loved what she was doing, sometimes the loneliness was painful.

“Tell me about it,” Ethan says, interrupting her thoughts.

“I could. Or, you know, you could just attend the presentation like everyone else,” she teases him.

The corners of his mouth lift up. “I am. I wouldn’t miss it. I can just tell how much it means to you.”

“It does mean a lot,” she agrees. “I could probably talk your ear off.”

“So Chicago has been a good fit.”

He says it as a statement, but she can hear the question in his voice.

“Chicago has been good,” Callie responds carefully. “It keeps me busy. I work with a good team. It’s closer to my family.”

The smile on his face doesn’t quite reach his eyes when he tells he’s happy for her. She tells herself it’s simply because he’d told her what an asset she’d be to his team before she’d left. She can’t let herself think that it’s for any other reason, or she suspects she’ll be distracted enough when she presents that she’ll forget what she’s even supposed to talk about.

~~~~~~~~~~

Whether it’s because she actually manages to keep her thoughts about Ethan firmly neutral for the time being or because she just knows this research like the back of her hand, the presentation goes smoothly. It’s exciting and cutting edge and the number of questions they get about expanding their trials is flattering.

Callie catches Ethan’s eye every so often, and his looks of encouragement and what she thinks is pride keep threatening to make a smile cross her face. She likes the difficult questions he asks her team; she knows what a compliment it is, to have him put them on the spot and pick their brains. He’s the only one she sees from Edenwood, which relieves her. She misses her friends there, but there are certain people she isn’t disappointed not to see.

Ethan congratulates her team when they’re all out celebrating at the hotel bar later, and Callie’s boss invites him to sit with them. They argue good-naturedly back and forth about the merits of their individual teams and who’s had the more challenging cases. Finally, one of Callie’s colleagues groans and says, “Okay, can we ban work talk just for ten minutes?” and they all laugh.

When Ethan heads up to the bar to buy them all another round, another one of her colleagues leans in and says, “Okay. Truth time. He’s really hot. Were you constantly distracted by him?”

“Abby!” Callie hisses, feeling her cheeks flush.

“Given the way you’re now blushing and keep sneaking glances at him, I’d say the answer is yes,” Abby says cheekily.

Callie shakes her head. “You’re terrible.”

Abby shrugs. “If it helps any, he keeps sneaking glances at you too.”

Callie rolls her eyes. “You’ve had one too many.”

And yet, when she glances out of the corner of her eye after that, she realizes Abby is right.

~~~~~~~~~~

As the night winds down and the bar starts clearing out, Callie realizes only she and Ethan are left at their table. She traces her finger around the rim of her nearly empty glass, suddenly struggling to come up with things to talk about.

It had been easier and less complicated when they were talking about research and mysterious ailments and surrounded by her colleagues. Now they’re alone in a nearly empty bar. It’s late. She’s pleasantly warm from the wine she’s been drinking. When she glances up, Ethan is watching her. It warms her for an entirely different reason. She half-heartedly scolds herself to stop thinking about him like that.

“It’s late,” she finally says. “I should probably get some sleep.”

He offers to walk her up to her room, which she appreciates. They get to her door on the fifteenth floor and she fiddles with her key card.

“I’m glad I ran into you,” Ethan finally says.

It’s surprisingly honest for him. Even after three years of knowing him, he’d still been so guarded with his feelings most of the time. The last raw and emotional conversation they’d had had been when she’d told him she was leaving.

“I’m glad I ran into you too,” she says, because she is.

Even if it’s just been confirming that her feelings for him weren’t fleeting. Even though she’s sure the progress she’s made towards not letting him slip into her thoughts all the time is going to vanish and she’ll have to start all over again. She can’t really bring herself to wish they hadn’t run into each other.

He opens his mouth right as a door slams down the hall and a loud burst of laughter follows. The hallway goes silent again and Ethan clears his throat. “To be entirely honest, I have something to ask you.”

“Oh?” Callie asks.

Her heart and her mind start racing. God, the way she reacts to him, it’s like she hasn’t been away from him at all. Ethan touches the back of her hand. The simple touch sends a jolt straight through her. She swallows hard at the look on his face.

“There’s an opening on my team,” he says slowly. “And I want you on it.”

All her heart can focus on is the way he sounds when he says “I want you”.

“Ethan…” she trails off helplessly. She doesn’t know what to say. A spot on his team was, is, her dream job. If she hadn’t gone and fallen in love with him, she would have stayed a year ago. But she had. And she’d left.

She’d known what Ethan was going to say even before he’d started speaking. His brow had been furrowed, like he was trying to figure out the best way to go about this.

“I got a job offer,” she’d said, beating him to the punch. “In Chicago. They’re starting up a new diagnostics team.”

His furrowed brow had shot up. “I didn’t know you’d applied anywhere outside of Boston.”

She’d shrugged, hoping to god she looked nonchalant but knowing she probably didn’t.

“A job at Edenbrook wasn’t a guarantee.”

That wasn’t quite the truth. He’d confided in her that one of the physicians on his diagnostics team was moving within a few weeks. He’d told her that the position was hers if she wanted it, but at least saying the job hadn’t been guaranteed had given her some semblance of an excuse for looking elsewhere. They’d lapsed into an almost uncomfortable silence. He’d taken a sip of his bourbon. The sound of the glass clattering onto the table when he’d set it down had almost made her jump.

Screw it, she’d decided then.

He was so damn stubborn, but she knew she’d regret it if she wasn’t completely open and honest with him before she missed her chance.

“Look. I know we won’t ever happen,” she’d said boldly.

“Callie…”

“Just… let me say this.”

He’d stopped. She’d taken a breath and continued.

“I know we couldn’t be anything more than friends when you were my attending. But I’m done with my residency after tomorrow, and if you tell me that my feelings for you are just a neurochemical response to stress and frequent exposure, I… god, I can’t take hearing that,” she’d said, her voice cracking on the last few words.

“I’d love to be on your team. I would. And I’m not asking you to be the reason I stay. I know that’s not fair. But I don’t think I can work with you every day and pretend like I don’t feel anything for you.”

His eyes had been shining brightly when she’d finally met his gaze again. He’d swallowed hard.

“It’s a good job,” she’d continued in a near whisper. “I accepted it this morning. I leave this weekend.”

Ethan had sat back so quickly it was almost like she’d slapped him. The look on his face had made her heart hurt. She’d gone to stand before she started crying. She would not cry in front of him. Before she could make it out of the booth, though, he’d put his hand on top of hers.

“Wait,” he’d said quietly.

Callie had closed her eyes, then slowly sank back into the seat. The cheap plastic was rough and starting to crack under her hands.

“It’s not that I don’t feel that way about you,” Ethan had said, and she’d felt her heart shatter even more.

“I do,” he’d continued hoarsely. “I have for…” He’d shaken his head. “For a long time. But we couldn’t.”

“And now?” she’d asked, feeling brave.

“And now… you’re at the beginning of your career, Callie. You’re intelligent and talented and promising.”

His praise hadn’t warmed her the way it normally did. Probably, she’d thought, because it wasn’t what she wanted so desperately from him right now.

“I don’t want to jeopardize that for you,” he’d continued.

“So I can only have a successful career if I just stay alone forever?” She’d been unable to keep the bitterness out of her words.

“No,” he’d said slowly. “It’s not just that. I told you once that I didn’t think a family was in the cards for me because I wouldn’t be able to be there for them the way they’d need. I don’t want to do that to you.”

She’d gritted her teeth so hard to keep tears from rolling down her face that her jaw had ached.

“You deserve someone who can be there for you, Callie. In ways that I’m not sure I can right now.”

He’d said something else after that, but she’d stopped listening. She’d simply said, “Okay. I understand,” and walked out.

For days, weeks after that, she’d replayed and overthought that conversation in her head so many times. Too many times. She hadn’t talked to him since then. She couldn’t.

Ethan gently squeezes her hand and then lets go. She feels the loss almost immediately and tucks her hands protectively in her pockets. If she doesn’t, she’s afraid she’ll do something she can’t take back, like touch him or reach for him or ask him to take her hand again.

“I won’t bring it up again,” he promises. “I know you have a good job and a life in Chicago. Just think about it?”

Wordlessly, she nods. He bids her good night and starts heading back for the elevator. Before he gets too far, she calls out his name and he turns around. The steps he takes back towards her seem to take forever. She isn’t sure how to go about asking him what’s on her mind, so she just says it straight out.

“Did you come here just to try and get me to come back to Edenwood?”

“No,” Ethan says, so firmly that she believes him right away and then feels a little ridiculous for thinking that.

“I’ve been following your research,” he continues. “Your team and the work you’ve been doing. I always knew you’d be an incredible doctor, Callie.”

“You’ve… been following my career?” she asks slowly.

He nods, and she finds herself at a loss for words once again.

“Oh,” she says.

Ethan smiles. “Good night, Callie.”

“Good night.”

She lets herself into her room. Robotically, she gets ready for bed and climbs under the covers. Somehow, she knows she won’t sleep much that night.

~~~~~~~~~~

The night drags on, the bright red numbers on the alarm clock reminding her just how much coffee she’s going to need to get through the day. She tries to sleep, tries getting her brain to shut off, to stop thinking about Ethan’s offer, about Boston. Relaxing music does nothing. Counting sheep bores her, but it doesn’t make her sleep. The terrible late-night TV ads usually work wonders for her, but tonight they don’t help at all.

Her mind keeps insisting on replaying Ethan’s words over and over again.

As much as being on his diagnostics team is still her dream job, she can’t help thinking how difficult going back will be if nothing has changed in the past year. If she didn’t feel anything for him anymore, she thinks she wouldn’t hesitate for long before accepting his offer.

Leaving Chicago wouldn’t necessarily be easy, but it doesn’t really and truly feel like home. Her family is closer, but she’s busy, they’re busy, and she doesn’t see them as often as she’d expected. She loves the team she’s on, but she knows none of them would begrudge her for moving.

Still, just being around Ethan has made it glaringly obvious that her feelings are very much still there. If she’s completely honest with herself, she needs to know how he feels before she can fairly consider his offer. As clinical as her brain usually is, her heart isn’t. She can’t shut her feelings off. She owes it to herself to know where he stands first.

Finally, after she resolves to talk to Ethan tomorrow (today, actually, her brain tauntingly reminds her when she looks at the clock) and just get this potentially awkward conversation over with, she manages to drift off to sleep.