Breakdowns and Breakthroughs – part 2

Summary (part 2) : Nic’s horrible day becomes worse when Ethan confronts her and the emotional stress becomes too much to handle.

Nic just wanted a cup of coffee – preferably one the size of her head- and she wanted it now. After the hell that had been her most recent shift combined with everything the past twenty-four hours had dealt her, was that really too much to ask?

Apparently, yes.

Not only was she going to have to settle for a meager thirty ounces, but she had been waiting for what felt like eighty years – but was probably only ten minutes – and there were still two customers ahead of her.

Normally when she stopped here after her night shifts, the cozy coffee shop would be at most a quarter full and she rarely had to wait more than a few minutes. Of course, seeing as apparently the universe had decided it was ‘Shit on Nic Day’ today, a tour group had swarmed the place only minutes before she arrived. To make matters even worse- because really, why would she expect anything less right now- a late wave of the flu had aparently left the shop short staffed.

She should have left as soon as she’d arrived. They had a coffee maker back at the apartment- though she was pretty sure Jackie had used the last filter days ago and no one had bothered to pick more up yet. Or she could always grab some on the way to the airport. But there was something special about the blend here, with its hints of chocolate and cherry, that she couldn’t get enough of. Besides, this was part of her normal routine now after an overnight shift; a routine which gave a sense of normalcy and comfort to her chaotic lifestyle.

And today of all days, she really needed a little comfort.

A bitter taste crept up from the back of her throat and her heart felt heavier than a city bus.

Why did everything have to happen at once?

Why did it have to happen at all?

Not getting the fellowship had been a big enough blow. Sure, she’d had a horrible feeling in her gut for weeks that she wouldn’t get it and she had a few theories as to why. Still, that hadn’t softened the blow of her dream being crushed into a billion microscopic pieces. But a brief pity party involving way too much take-out and a marathon of her favorite action movies, combined with some nights out with her friends, would get her well on the way to getting over it.

The situation with her mother on the other hand…

Nic felt a lump growing in her throat and quickly swallowed it down.

God, but she couldn’t believe what her mother had done, hiding this from her for so long. Well, she could sort of believe it considering this was the same woman who hadn’t bothered to tell her she had a half-sister, but still, not telling her that…

“…Uh, Miss? Can I help you? Miss?”

Nic blinked and reality filtered back in.

A young female barista she’d never seen before stared at her from behind the counter- the path to which was now clear of any other customers.

She’d barely begun to sputter her order when she became aware of a looming, but not altogether unnerving, presence behind her.

“She’ll have a large house roast, leave room for cream. And I’ll take a double espresso. Please,” said an all too familiar voice.

“To go,” Nic added, before turning to face the owner of the voice. “Thanks, Ethan. But you do know I can get my own coffee, right?

One dark eyebrow rose above chestnut eyes.

“My recent observation tells a different story.”

“I was about to order,” Nic started, following Ethan to the side after he’d paid, “I just got distracted for a second. And before you comment on how distraction can be a matter of life and death, I’ll remind you we are currently in a coffee shop, not the hospital. I may depend on caffeine to help me be a functional, slightly less grumpy adult, but I’d like to think my addiction isn’t that bad.”

Ethan’s lips twitched upwards into a faint smile. Warmth encapsulated Nic as her stomach performed a flip-flop. Damn, but if a piece of her heart didn’t melt every time she was able to coax a grin out of him.

Not that she’d ever admit that to anyone, especially not him.

“I had no intentions of making any such comment,” he protested.

“My past observations tell another story.”

A snort of laughter escaped the doctor’s lips, sending a bolt of electricity shooting through her.

Seriously, was there anything better than making this serious, closed-off man laugh?

Her mind instantly took that thought as a challenge, imagining some not-so family friendly scenarios which sent her temperature skyrocketing. She wasn’t sure if she was lucky or unlucky when the barista called out their order and shocked her back into the present before her thoughts got too inappropriate.

Ethan beat her to the counter and scooped up the drinks. When he returned and handed Nic her drink his usual sober demeanor was back in place.

“I’m glad I found you here. We need to talk,” he said in the same serious tone he used when breaking big news to a patient.

And just like that, their moment of levity was over. The bubble of contentment the lighthearted banter with Ethan had created around Nic’s being popped unceremoniously. All the trepidation and frustration came rushing back, burying her like an avalanche and chilling her to the bone. All it took was a foreboding look and four little words to bring her back to reality.

Because Nic knew there was no way she would want to hear whatever her mentor said next. She never really enjoyed these serious conversations with him – not that anyone did, she imagined- but this really was the last thing she needed today considering the Eiffel Tower sized pile of shit already heaped onto her plate. Whatever Ethan had to say could wait.

With all the calm she could muster, Nic poured a splash of creamer into her cup, gave two big stirs, then replaced the lid and took a sip. Only then did she pull out her phone and glance at the time, planning to feign surprise.

There was no need.

Her face contorted effortlessly into a genuine look of shock.

Shit. Shit shit shit.

Her little coffee detour had taken longer than she planned.

“Oh crap, I didn’t realize how late it was! Thanks for the coffee, seriously. But I really need to get home. Rain check on that talk?” Nic started for the door, not bothering to wait for a response.

She had to go home and pack. Missing her flight was not an option; she wanted to be by her mother’s side as soon as possible. No, she needed to be by her side. If something happened and she wasn’t there, Nic wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to forgive herself… or her mother for putting her in that position in the first place.

“This can’t wait, Nic,” Ethan retorted from behind her, easily keeping pace as she exited the shop. “This is important. Can you really not spend one minute explaining to me why you’re about to throw away everything you have here because of one lost opportunity?”

She stopped suddenly at his question, not noticing that he had to side-step to avoid running into her. Confusion and annoyance flooded her as she whirled on her sort-of boss.

“Okay, you win. You have one minute to explain what the hell you’re talking about, then I’m gone.” Frustration dripped from her lips but she didn’t care.

All the emotions she’d carefully bottled up during her shift were threatening to burst through and show themselves to the world- a spectacle Nic wasn’t ready to share with anyone, not even Ethan.

The ever composed attending shot her a look that said “you know what I’m talking about”, but her unamused glare didn’t waver. She simply sipped her coffee, allowing the welcoming mixture of sweet and bitter dancing on her tongue to calm her momentarily as she waited for a response.

“You cannot leave like this, Nic,” Ethan said pointedly. “I know not earning the junior fellowship was a disappointment and I don’t blame you for being upset.” He paused for a moment then sighed deeply before continuing- an action which left Nic wondering if there was more he had decided against sharing.

“This is absolutely ridiculous and I honestly have no idea how you managed it all so quickly. Transferring to another program, in Colorado of all places, barely a day after learning about the fellowship, really? You’re running away like a spoiled child who didn’t get her way. I never would have thought you capable of that.  But, as always, here you are proving me wrong.

“When I first heard about your intentions and set out to find you, I was prepared to try and convince you to stay. You are a remarkable talent and will be missed, but if this is how you plan to behave when circumstances are against you, I’m not sure you really do belong here. I’m disappointed in you Nic, I really am. And I hate to be disappointed, especially by you.”

Ethan’s words didn’t register with her right away. Instead, they seemed to swirl around her, tempting her with their proximity but always darting away at the last moment when she tried to reach out and grasp them. Then all at once, they hit her.

At first she felt like she’d walked into some elaborate inside joke she wasn’t in on. Nothing made sense. Ethan appeared to know where she was going and when, but his reasoning was completely flawed. How he had come to these conclusions she had no idea, but the more she thought about it the less she cared.

How dare he call her a spoiled child, how dare he say she didn’t belong here, and how dare he say he was disappointed in her when everything he’d said was wrong!?

A tsunami of anger and annoyance engulfed her, flooding her already overflowing well of emotions. Before she even opened her mouth, Nic knew the damn was about to break. But there was nothing she could do to stop it. All she could do now was sit back and allow the natural disaster that was her emotional breakdown to occur, and hope there wouldn’t be any casualties.

“I’m not sure where you got your information from, but your little hypothesis is so off the mark that I can safely guess most of it is based off assumptions,” she started, then held her hand up, palm out, when he appeared to be gathering up a response. “No, now it’s my turn to speak. You know, for the head of a renowned diagnostic team, you really failed to take the time and figure out this puzzle, Ethan. If you were my intern and had just given such a flawed assessment of a patient I’d make sure you were dismissed from the program before your shift was over.” Nic took a steadying breath before continuing.

She knew what she had to say next wouldn’t be easy. She’d specifically chosen to tell only the bare minimum of her current situation to anyone, and even then only to the people she absolutely had to. This was her personal business and she had never been someone who openly talked about her personal life to anyone except maybe her closest friends, of which there were only a few. But Ethan had forced her hand and clearly if she wanted to get him off her back she would have to tell him something.

“First off, yes I’m heading to Colorado, of all places, later today because, as you should know, that is where I’m from. I did, in fact, talk to Dr. Lowell earlier today about possibly transferring to a different program closer to home, but it is just a far off possibility I’m looking into and  nothing would happen until my first year is complete. There was a family emergency. That’s why I’m heading west. I only plan to be gone a few days for now but…” her voice cracked and Nic found herself biting back a sob. The threat of tears burned in the back of her throat.

In one final knockout blow, the weight of the day crashed down upon her and flattened her on the spot- not  unlike a random free-falling anvil in the cartoons she used to watch as a child. The world seemed to bend and blur around her and she forced herself to focus on one spot- the center of Ethan’s tie, as it turned out- in an attempt to stay steady.

No. Shit. Fuck. No. Just a little longer. Hold out for a little longer. Please, she pleaded with herself.

But it was a fruitless appeal, she realized, when two warm tears trickled down her cheek – merely a preamble to what she knew was likely soon to follow.

A strong, familiar hand wrapped around her upper arm, its grasp firm but rather comforting. Nic found herself being led towards a car parked near the curb not too far away. Without hesitation she slid into the passenger seat when the door was opened for her.

Once he was inside, Ethan gently pulled the coffee cup  from her iron grasp and placed it into a cup holder- a gesture she would come to appreciate once clear thinking returned.

Silent sobs began to wrack her body as Nic gave herself over to the sorrow and worry that had followed her around like a foreboding shadow ever since she’d received the phone call barely twelve hours prior.

Ethan didn’t say a word other than to ask if he could drive her home- a question she answered with a resolute nod.

No, there were no pointless platitudes or questions with him, not that she should have expected any. Instead, he pressed a few buttons on the radio console, causing a light and cheery orchestral piece to fill the car. His hand squeezed her shoulder in a quiet show of comfort before it grasped the gear shift and he pulled out into traffic. And despite her clouded thoughts, Nic knew that was his way of letting her know he was here for her.

By the time they reached her apartment, the sobbing had mostly subsided. Whether it was the gentle music and Ethan’s silently calming presence that finally caused it to cease or simply the fact she was all out of tears for the time being, she wasn’t sure. Either way, she was thankful for the way the man beside her had reacted.

In truth, she actually felt lucky to have broken down in front of him, despite her earlier misgivings. His normally rigid posture and stoic expression had soften during the ride, she noticed, giving way to a warmer and more caring disposition. While she’d seen this side of him before, generally directed towards patients, she never appreciated it quite as much as she did now.

Right now she felt safe and secure in his company and she wasn’t quite ready to give that up. She only hoped he would comply with her wishes.