Breakdowns and Breakthroughs – part 3

Summary (part 3): Nic opens up to Ethan, who continues to comfort her. Ethan comes to a discomforting realization about his feelings for Nic.

He was here on behalf of the hospital, that was all, Ethan thought.

He was sitting in the living room of Nic’s apartment, trying not to dwell on the fact that he was in the living space of not one, but five of his interns. The realization did not settle well with him, it just felt so…off putting.

But Nic needed someone right now. Not that it would have taken someone as trained in observation as he was supposed to be to figure that out, not with the whole ‘breakdown in the middle of the sidewalk’ incident. Regardless, he was the one with her when her sobs started- as unusual of a sight as that was- and had taken it upon himself to get her home and comfort her to the extent he could.

It was all in the name of the hospital of course. He was merely showing his support of a fellow colleague, ensuring her that the hospital staff had her back when she needed them.

That was all. There were no other reasons. Certainly he wasn’t here as a friend or, perhaps, because he had any sort of deeper feelings for the intern in question. No, that was preposterous. That would require crossing a line he could not – no, would not- ever step one toe over.

Except, you big moron, you already have.

Shaking off the admonishment, he stood suddenly and made his way to counter where Nic’s now likely lukewarm coffee sat abandoned.

He busied himself finding a clean mug, clearly labeled as Nic’s, in the dishwasher before pouring the contents of the to-go cup into it and popping it in the microwave.

Yes, this was just him being a considerate – if not overly accommodating – colleague and mentor, nothing more. That was why he followed her up when she invited him, though it had sounded more like a plea than an invitation. That was also why he was still here, milling about the common area of the shared apartment while Nic was in her room “throwing a few things in a bag”, as she put it – a seemingly apt description considering the sounds emanating from the direction of her room.

At least, that was what he kept telling himself, as though through sheer force of will he could make it the truth.

The ding of the microwave sounded at the same moment Nic came striding down the hallway, a small suitcase in hand and a backpack slung over one shoulder. She shot him a glance, one eyebrow raised.

“Helping yourself to some of our food? Are you sure that’s a risk you’re willing to take?” A flicker of humor lit up her green-brown eyes and it felt like the sun was shining again after a long cloudy day.

“Just making sure quality coffee doesn’t go to waste,” he replied, handing her the mug. “Besides, it seems like you are especially in need of this today.”

“Yeah, I am. Thanks.” Her lips twitched a few times, like she was trying hard to form a smile but couldn’t quite manage it.

This was not the Nic he knew. Sure, he had seen her have bad days before, had seen the effects difficult shifts and hard losses had on her mood, but this was different. There was an air of near hopelessness hovering over her and she appeared so…lost.

It made his heart ache for reasons he wasn’t ready to dwell on.

Nic dropped her bags near the door then made her way to one of the couches and settled in, gesturing for Ethan to join her. He accepted her invitation, making sure to keep an appropriate distance between them.

They sat together in silence for several minutes, Nic drinking her coffee while Ethan waited for her to speak. Eventually, when the silence started to verge on awkward, he decided he might need to extend an olive branch first.

He cleared his throat. “Confronting you like I did, saying what I did, that was an asinine move and… I’m sorry. I overheard some things and jumped to the wrong conclusions. I was worried you were going to make the biggest mistake of your life, leaving everything here for what I assumed was a petty reason. But I had my facts wrong. And even if I hadn’t, you have the right to make decisions for yourself, no matter what my feelings are on the matter. It’s your business, not mine and… I really am sorry, Nic.”

Without thinking, his hand found her wrist and gave it a comforting squeeze. He was about to pull back when her other hand settled atop his. She met his gaze then, and the pain in her expression nearly left him breathless. Clearly she needed a show of support right now – even one as minor as light physical contact. Only a heartless monster would deny her that wish.

And contrary to the belief of some of his coworkers, he was not entirely heartless.

“Yeah, that wasn’t exactly your best moment. But I can see now how my sudden disappearance may have looked. I just… I haven’t really told anyone the full reason I’m jetting back home today. Not that it’s some huge secret, I’m just… I mean, I don’t really like to share every personal detail of my life with the whole world, you know?”

“I do know,” Ethan inserted quietly.

It was one of the qualities he most respected her for. And, if he was honest, one reason he felt himself so drawn to her.  She was always so confident, both in social interactions and professionally – not to mention her killer, if not occasionally infuriating, wit- but there was a part of her she didn’t share. Like him, she kept a piece of herself separate, a piece she only shared with very specific people.

“But I think I need to tell someone about this. It’s too big to keep bottled up. And I suppose someone should know what’s going on while I’m gone.” She paused for a moment, then met his gaze again. “If you’re up for it… I’d like that person to be you.”

Warning bells sounded in the back of his mind. He shouldn’t be doing this. She might get the wrong idea. He may not be her direct boss but he was an attending and…

But she needs me.

And with that, all arguments for excusing himself from the situation and walking out the door were quashed.

“I’m here,” he said, squeezing her arm once more.

Nic dropped her head, her focus set entirely on the drink cradled in her lap.

“Do you remember last night, right after we finally got the last of the car crash victims into surgery, when Danny pulled me aside to take a call and you got all huffy?”

“Yes?”

“Well…the call was from Kade, my mom’s boyfriend. I’d never talked to him before last night. I didn’t even realize they were so official or serious or anything but… well he called because she was admitted to the hospital. They had been having a quiet night in, watching a movie I guess,  and she stood up to get something from the kitchen and just…collapsed.

“She was rushed to the hospital and is stable now. She was even conscious for a little while and told Kade to contact me. But…” Her voice cracked and Ethan placed his free hand on her knee, slowly closing the distance between them.

“She has pneumonia. She has pneumonia which she likely caught as a result of a weakened immune system caused by chemo. Because… because she has breast cancer.”

Tears began running down her cheeks. Ethan barely resisted the urge to wipe away the salty drops with his thumb. Instead, he waited patiently for the rest of the story he sensed was coming.

“She’s been fighting cancer for a couple months now. I talk to her every week, sometimes two or three times. And not once did she bother to mention any of this to me. Apparently she didn’t want me to worry. She knew I was busy with work and trying to earn the fellowship and the prognosis was positive enough she didn’t think I needed to know. She didn’t think I needed the extra stress and distraction. I don’t think she ever planned on telling me. Not until this mess with the fellowship was over at least. Or until she went into remission or… or if it got worse.”

The silent but body-wracking sobs from the car started again. Unsure what else to do, he freed his hand from her grasp and wrapped his arm across her shoulders,  pulling her tight against his chest.

Once again he didn’t speak. He wasn’t sure what to say. Nothing seemed appropriate. Despite his wishes  there was no magic word or phrase that would take away all the hurt infiltrating her soul.

So he chose to sit there with her snug in his embrace, his thumb drawing lines up and down her upper arm while his other hand gently squeezed her knee.

“Which hospital was she taken to?” Ethan asked once the sobs had mostly subsided, his tone calm and quiet.

“A small local one at first, but they transferred her to Crestwood United in Denver once she was deemed stable enough,” she nearly whispered.

“Have you talked to her doctor there?”

“Yes. Briefly. Dr. Kovak, I think? They have her on a ventilator for now and are administering IV fluids and antibiotics. He’s optimistic about a full recovery but…”

“…but you know all too well what could go wrong.”

Nic’s head shifted against his chest and her soft hair tickled the base of his throat, causing his breath to catch. As close as she was, he could smell the faintly fruity perfume she used after a long shift. He could feel the movement of her jaw against his pecs when she spoke. She was so close, he could just lean down and….

“Exactly,” Nic said, pulling away for a moment to wipe her face with a tissue before resting her head against his shoulder.

Luckily, the movement was enough to shock him back to reality.

He had to stop having those thoughts, those reactions to neurochemical responses. And he definitely couldn’t act on them. It wasn’t appropriate, especially not right now. He would never take advantage of her vulnerability like that. He couldn’t. He cared about her too much…platonically of course.

“I won’t tell you everything will be fine. We both know that’s not something I can guarantee, that anyone can guarantee. But, I’m acquainted with Crestwood and with Dr. Kovak. The hospital itself doesn’t seem to be too far in the pocket of big pharma yet and has adequate equipment and facilities. Kovac… well, he’s competent enough.”

“Wow, that’s big praise coming from you,” she said with a short laugh- exactly the response he’d hoped to provoke.

“What I mean is, your mother is in good hands. I’m certain they will do all they can to care for her. There are no guarantees, but there are probabilities, and the chances she will make a full recovery there is higher than many places.”

“Thanks. That does kinda help.”

“Good. So… I suppose this is why you’re contemplating transferring? To be closer to your mother while she’s fighting cancer?”

“I know it may sound silly. I know there’s nothing I can really do for her, not with how busy I would be. But just being able to be closer, to be there if something goes wrong again…”

Sensing some reluctance on her part to continue, Ethan squeezed Nic’s shoulder.

“She’s the only family I have left. The only family I’m close to at least. And the thought of losing her… it’s gut wrenchingly terrifying. I mean I know it will happen someday, but preferably not any time soon. And I feel like I need to be there with her while she’s going through something this big if I can.”

“Do you know how her treatment is progressing?” he asked.

“Not fully. I plan to talk to her oncologist while I’m there and get all the information I can. Then  I’ll go from there I guess. Try to make the best decision I can now that I know what’s going on.”

“What about having her come here for treatment? Edenbrook has a top rated oncology program.”

“So does Crestwood, where she’s apparently been having her treatments. And it wouldn’t make sense. She has close friends there. And Kade now too, it sounds like. Pulling her from her support system just to bring her closer to me… it would be too selfish,” she stated.

Her reasoning made sense to him, though he wished it didn’t. He didn’t want her to leave. No matter what excuses he made or what reasons he fabricated, in the end that was all it came down to…he would be crushed if she left.

But if leaving was the best decision for her…then he would have to let her go.

With his heart heavier than a cement filled submarine, Ethan dropped his arm and scooted away from the beautiful woman beside him. They both took on overly proper postures, as though trying to pretend the last several minutes hadn’t happened.

She caught his gaze, and for a moment he thought he might drown in the depths of her olive colored eyes. His hand found her shoulder again, the one closest to him this time.

“Whatever happens, I’ll help however I can. I’m here for you.” The vow left his mouth before he could stop it. He shouldn’t make those kinds of promises,  not to her, not to anyone. And yet… it felt too right not to.

Nic’s eyes widened with surprise.

As they should, he thought. His shoulder wasn’t exactly one most people chose to lean on when they were in need. And he preferred it that way, until now…until Nic.

“Shit! I have to get to the airport!”

Well…that was not the response he was expecting.

Does that mean…

“I can give you a ride, if you want,” he offered, pushing aside his unnecessary pondering.

“I’d appreciate that. I was going to call a Dryve so I didn’t have to worry about parking but… oh crap! My car, it…”

“…will be moved here later by one of your roommates. I’ll make sure of it.”

A grateful smile lit up her eyes and warmth enveloped Ethan’s entire person.

“That would be great, thank you. Thank you for everything, for listening, for the shoulder to cry on, for letting me talk things out, for… well, for just being here. It really means a lot.”

A look passed between them then, one of tenderness, of caring, and of understanding. Then as quickly as the poignant moment started, it was shattered as Nic downed her remaining coffee in less than a minute and stood up.

Ethan’s own eyes widened and Nic laughed.

“Can’t let perfectly good coffee go to waste, can I?”

“Not at all,” he chuckled- a low, almost unfamiliar sound.

Nic set the mug down and moved to the door to gather her bags. Ethan’s hand grasped the handle of her suitcase a split second before hers could. She peered up at him with a cocked brow and an amused smirk.

Tingles ran down his spine. Oh, but how everything seemed brighter when Nic was acting like her usual snarky yet upbeat self.

“You know, it just occurred to me that you’ve been acting awfully nice since you got here,” she commented, grabbing her backpack but allowing him to take the suitcase. “You’re not a robot clone of Ethan sent to secretly spy on everyone in his life, are you?”

“Not that I know of. I don’t feel any colder or more robotic than usual,” he replied with a grin of his own.

“Pffft. That’s just what a robot clone would say.” She laughed, a loud bubbly laugh that seemed to break through the walls around his soul, allowing light to flood in for the first time in ages.

And that’s when he knew, as he watched her walk down the hallway of the apartment complex in front of him, that’s when it hit him. There could be no more hiding from the truth.

He cared about Nicolette Carter. He cared about her as much more than just a friend or colleague. And for whatever reason, he was pretty sure she cared about him too.

But he shouldn’t do a damn thing about it.

– The End