Note: This fanfic is focus on Jax POV, it is an attempt to enter his mind, that is why there are few dialogues and most are memories, in one part of the story there is a particular memory based on my first fanfic where Jax goes to Lily’s presentation ball and another memory based on the end of my third fanfic. If you did not read them I recommend take a look, particularly because I wrote them and I like what I write 😉 , Enjoy!
– “I was converted by a vampire who wanted to usurp the leaders of the Clan, He was trying to form an army, after that there was a time when I was wild, when I acted on my impulses, I did indescribable things, but… I tried to do better since then.”
He had told that to Silvia, he was not a saint, not a hero; he was someone who was going to do what he had to do to survive.
The mere fact of thinking about the past gave him chills, maybe someday he had the courage to tell her about it, it was after escaping from the massacre of the clans before the attempt to overthrow them, was a time of much anger, of taking the life with profound disdain.
His dreams had been taken from him, he was the son of convicts, the anger was so deep and so rooted that killing was not in his mind other than having a cup of coffee, dying was not an option since he had been made a vampire, unless he considered sleeping in the sun, that was not the way he was going to die, he still had a lot inside that burned his blood, everyone had decided for him, his parents decided that his values were more important than spending time with his son, a Vampire decided that he was going to be a good soldier, it was as if everyone had the right to decide about his life, except him.
How to escape the revenge of the Clans and earn money at the same time? Was the thought at that time, the path he found through a dark contact led him to a clandestine governmental organization – of course – where they dealt with things that could not be said, he became an expert in cover espionage and assassination missions.
It allowed him to move in the dark and justify his need for blood, his abilities with the katana, the speed and strength of the vampires and his total detachment from values and life made him a fearsome weapon. It was money and an easy life, I had no one to explain and I had no plans to tie anyone.
It was a very dark stage of his life, which he preferred not to remember because it went against everything he believed and defended now, and probably would have continued with that life if a wake-up call, a small miracle, had not suddenly appeared, as miracles often do when we pay attention, a miracle that made him remember the values of his grandparents and finally understand and forgive his parents.
It was something simple and unexpected, one day on one of his many trips, he went to eat at a small place, not the tourist type, and ordered a Teriyaki dish, the dish was served by an old woman, this person told him it was a special recipe that he had inherited from her grandmother.
– Welcome, what can I offer you?
– A plate of Teriyaki Chicken
– Excellent choice, our Teriyaki sauce is a very special sauce, it was a recipe passed from generation to generation and that out of respect for our ancestors we always kept alive, treasuring the dedication with which each of our parents and grandparents prepared the sauce is what that makes this dish a dish different from all the same name, said the old woman.
When the dish finally arrived, by putting a mouthful in his mouth he could no longer eat, his eyes filled with tears, he had to take a deep breath to not cry like a child, the taste was exactly like the Teriyaki cooking by his own Grandma, he remembered her face and the way she poured her heart into her food… It was like magic.
It was like a direct blow to the heart, the food had a deep connection with my essence, quickly raised my eyes waiting to see my grandmother appear any time, but that did not happen, of course she was not there anymore, but what she was, was still alive, the flavor of true heart with which my grandmother cooked was the magic that brought me back to my path – The realization hit him.
Unfortunately when I wanted to eat again in that place I could never find it again it was as if it had vanished in the air, I also understood that it must be like that.
That experience was as if he had opened a door that was closed, unusually everything overflowed but at the same time took shape, his parents were in their own way heroes, those anonymous heroes that nobody recognizes, but who are key pieces in the changes deep.
They believed in getting involved to get change, they believed that being together strengthened the sense of community, they believed in fighting for their ideals, he had moved away from that path and that certainty hit him like lightning from that moment on. Return to being and doing, what he knew how to do, what taught him to be, a person with values.
He shook his head as if trying to clear the mist, and returning to the present point, reclining in his room which accommodated him like a home, his mind wandered to the person who he was now, the person that was lost for a while.
In trying to reunite vampires without clan, it became his new mission, and he left everything that tied him to anger, but that did not change that he was a renegade, a kind of Robin Hood, but without Lady Marion.
He always pictured Lady Marion as portrayed of beauty, confidence, and sincere specially related with her love of Robin Hood.
Maybe if I knew someone with Marion’s independence, and her equity to Robin, a strong female maybe, he could think in have a partner, but that was only a fantasy.
Until she appears, Until his Lady Marion appeared, Silvia again Silvia, how uninterrupted melody echoing in her head.
Griff thought it was funny to imply that he was a kind of Don Juan, claiming that he knew (all beautiful women without clan) remembered the look that crossed Silvia’s eyes upon hearing those words…
Of course, I had been with women, I was not a monk, but I was clear that to support a cause I should not involve their feelings, feelings bind us, slow us down, could not afford that luxury – he explains to himself
I knew that Adrian had a new assistant, he thought that maybe he could convince her to help if he got her to sympathize with the cause, it was simply an action to help the clanless, but something went wrong… not as planned.
Not because she did not want to help rather the opposite, she immediately understood his fight, the problem was that from the first moment he saw her his heart jumped, as if he knew her before.
She had this very bad habit of always getting into trouble, and I had the strong need to watch over her, she was not like most humans, after saving her from the Baron’s prison, Silvia wanted to know, she was not afraid, she didn’t judge, she wanted to know who the clanless were, she doesn’t keep only with the information they gave it, she took another step, and not only that, she voluntarily agreed to feed him in return for having saved her.
All this was the information that had been processed to justify his irrational behavior, the constant appearance of it in his mind and the explanation to act against everything that until then had believed correct, this time it was not a loss of values, but of a loss of will.
He had not been a vampire for a long time, it seemed like an eternity, but he was not, ten years as the leader of the Clanless, compared to the leaders of the Clans, he was just a newborn, but he had seen many things, and he always stayed on the sidelines, leading to Griff’s joke about girls.
Therefore, it wasn’t a rational explanation for his urgent need to know what it meant to her, the stupid question escaped from his mouth before reaching the brain.
– So that is all I am to you? A tool?
Suddenly, out of the blue, I was willing to do whatever was necessary to help her. To be able to offer her even if it was only her ear, to show her that she could count on him even if it was not in the same way as Adrian, he did not have the resources, but he wanted her to know that he was there too, that it could be for her, after the attack on Lily, it was a burning desire, it needed to be for her.
Appearing at the dance was something that regret, not because of the conversation they had or the kiss they shared, it was because of Adrián’s interruption, because when Adrián took her back to the castle, I disappeared annoyed, angry, and was not there when I needed in the attack of the ferals and I could not help her, because I let my feelings cloud my vision, but Silvia not only did not get upset, but she came to me without hesitation, she came to look for me remembering that she had told her to count on me.
There was something about her, she was very brave entering an unknown world, regardless of the consequences and it was not that she was not afraid, it was that she was going to cross it no matter what, as if fear was not able to impede her path It could not be seen with the naked eye but if you looked closely, you could see the battle that Silvia was going through, that only made her more attractive. It was not the absent of fear it was the willingness to continue no matter how difficult everything was.
Even knowing his battle I could not let go of my doubt, what did she feel for Adrian? How important was he in her life?
– “And why the hell would I risk it ALL for him?”
It was all he could say, he did not want to sound selfish, but was out of his mouth, why did he ask her that? Why was so important her answer?
– It’s not like you think, she answered
– What’s like then?
Of course, I could not say, that I needed to be her priority, that I wanted she chooses me, so I could only say:
– I took a huge risk saving Adrian’s life. I did it because you told me it was in the interest of my people. That he’d keep us safe.
But Adrian was not in a position to help us, and she was by his side, so I wielded a beautiful explanation to separate us
– My people need me. Now more than ever. If this city is going to war, they are going to be caught in the middle. I can not just cut and run on them.
Would she choose to stay with me or go with Adrian?
I said sarcastically:
– We gotta stop parting like this, you could… come with me. If you wanted (but she won’t leave Adrian)
It was the second time she left, the first time was after our meeting after the attack of the ferals despite feeling like one, again the separation, the distance, she was again leaving with Adrian…
– I’ll come back for YOU, she said
Of course, it was me who went to look for her again, seeing that her life was in danger no matter if she chose Adrian, if she always chose Adrian, I was going to help her, one and a thousand times with that obsession of always being in danger not It gave me the option to let her go.
When the battle ended, on returning to the city, Silvia took my hand strongly as if fearing that it would take her away
After becoming a member of the clans and putting some order in my life, in order the commitments, in order the ambitions, to be able to do that was a dream something that seems like a fantasy, all that every wish for, but somehow everything lost interest at the thought of her leaving, that she was not there.
He could smell his fear, he did not want to scare her, he was also scared, maybe more scared than he ever was in his life before the possibility of losing his life, but this time it was different, this time what he could lose was everything what really mattered to him.
Suddenly everything became meaningful, like that miracle in the restaurant, nothing mattered anymore, neither his fear, nor hers, nor how or why, the only thing that made sense was to be together, because despite having left twice, her heart was always with him, and his was long ago with her.
I do not know who she was or what was going to happen to us but I knew that I needed her in my life, that I could not imagine a life without her, I did not know how to tell her, I had never been very good with words, in fact never I need them too much until now that I wanted to say something and I did not know how…
