Summary: Rafael and MC (Elise) and their way back to each other.
Note: I am very much not a fan of the current Rafael storyline. This is my take on what happened between him and MC, and a resolution, because I had to fix this nonsense.
The air is cold and biting against Elise’s skin when she steps outside. She can feel winter in the air, swears she can smell snowflakes when she closes her eyes and breathes deeply. She wonders if the flurries that have been predicted will finally let loose tonight.
The ambulance bay doors open behind her.
“Elise?”
Her eyes open again as Rafael steps up beside her.
“What’re you doing out here? It’s freezing.”
She crosses her arms protectively, both against the cold and to keep herself from reaching for him. It’s been months since they’ve been together, but she still finds herself wanting to feel his reassuring strength when it’s been a long day or a bad day or even an exceptionally good day.
“Just needed a minute,” she finally answers.
“It’s been busy today,” Rafael observes.
She nods, and they lapse back into silence. It’s painful still being so formal and stilted with him. They’ve been trying to navigate being friends. It’s slowly getting better, but she misses the easy comfort they’d once had as more.
Rafael says her name again and she glances up at him.
“Yeah?”
“I- I just-” he trails off, a heaviness radiating off of him.
“I’m sorry. It’s been a long day,” he finally says.
She knows. It’s been a long day for both of them. She aches to slide her hand into his, to squeeze his fingers in silent understanding the way she used to. But she doesn’t. She just looks at him, and notices how tired he seems.
Her pager goes off as they stand there, the familiar trill both a relief and a disappointment.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Rafael says. He smiles at her, a half-smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~
Elise has been through her share of break-ups before. It’s not like these feelings are unfamiliar, but something about ending things with Rafael stings the worst out of all of them.
They’re both busy, so busy that seeing each other has turned into almost nothing more than snatching a few minutes together here and there. Usually they’re interrupted by calls or pages. There are late nights and early mornings, long shifts and the demands of both of their jobs, that keep them from seeing each other more than every couple of days.
One night she realizes they haven’t seen each other in almost a week. They text and talk, brief stolen moments when they can, but she misses him. When they do finally see each other next, it’s after a long Friday and they’re both exhausted.
Rafael wraps her in a tight hug once they get in her room, burying his face in her hair for a long moment. She soaks in the comforting feel of him holding her. When he reluctantly pulls back, he cups her face in his hands.
“I’ve missed you,” he says.
“I’ve missed you too,” she murmurs, swallowing back the lump threatening to form in her throat.
Normally after going so many days without seeing him she’d crack a joke about the challenges of dating Superman, but tonight she can’t bring herself to.
Rafael tilts her chin up, his eyes searching hers. She’s always worn her heart on her sleeve and he’s come to know her well, and she knows he can tell something is on her mind.
“Talk to me,” he says in a near-whisper, and she nearly starts crying.
How is she supposed to tell him that these days of not seeing him have gotten harder and harder, when the moments with him make her so happy? Why can’t she magically find a happy medium for their jobs and for being together? Why can’t there be an easy solution to this?
She opens her mouth, but all that comes out is a half-sob. Rafael swallows hard.
“This isn’t working, is it?” he finally asks, his eyes shining, and then she does start crying.
“I want it to. I want to be with you and I want-I want-” She’s crying too hard to get anything else out.
Rafael pulls her close again, rubbing soothing circles across her back.
“It’s okay,” he says hoarsely. “It’s okay, Elise.”
Somehow they end up curled up in her bed while she sheds noiseless tears against him. At some point she drifts off to sleep, and when she wakes, she realizes he’s been crying too.
“I don’t want to not be with you,” she whispers miserably.
Rafael’s lips brush over her forehead. “I don’t want to not be with you either,” he whispers back, and then they don’t say anything else until daylight starts to spill through her window.
There’s a painful finality that comes with it, an unspoken understanding of what’s coming next. She reluctantly pushes herself upright to sit on the edge of the bed. Rafael sits next to her. Their hands are just inches apart, but she forces herself not to touch him.
“Maybe… maybe this will be easier eventually,” she says slowly, even though she doesn’t really believe the words. “It’s so hard not seeing you for so long. I just… I want there to be an easy solution to this.”
Rafael nods. “I know. I do too. I wish…”
He doesn’t finish his thought, but she’s sure it’s the same as one of the many desperate thoughts running through her head.
~~~~~~~~~~
When Elise does see Rafael the next day, she’s alarmed to see that he’s walking into the hospital with another paramedic she recognizes and holding what looks to be a blood-soaked towel over his eye.
“It’s not as bad as it looks,” Rafael tells her immediately.
The other paramedic sighs in exasperation. “Yes, it is.”
Elise ushers him to sit down and gently pulls the towel away. She frowns. “You definitely need stitches. What happened?”
He fills her in as she works, and she tries to ignore his familiar comforting scent. It hurts that his nearness still affects her so much. She’d hoped against hope that eventually it wouldn’t sting so much.
She notices that Rafael’s smiling affectionately as she gently cleans the gash on his forehead and methodically sutures the wound closed.
“What is it?” she asks him curiously.
“You’re so good at this,” he explains, and she laughs a little.
“What, suturing?”
Rafael grins. “Well, that too. No, you’re just so good at all of this. You’re an incredible doctor.”
His genuine praise makes her smile, but it also makes her think of how their demanding schedules had made it so challenging for them to be together, and her smile fades. Rafael’s does too. She fumbles for what to say next.
“Hey, are you going to Donahue’s tonight?” he asks, saving her from trying to think of something.
“I hadn’t planned on it. Why?”
She hasn’t been to Donahue’s in weeks. She tells her roommates it’s because of her busy schedule and being exhausted, though that’s only partly true. Mostly she doesn’t feel up to going out and being social. She knows how withdrawn she’s become the last few months. It’s just easier to blame it on work.
Rafael tells her there’s a local band playing tonight, that several paramedics and people from the hospital are planning on going. He waits for her response.
She studiously focuses on cleaning up. “That sounds fun,” she says carefully. “But I have a mountain of medical journals I need to review.”
Rafael smiles in understanding as he stands up. “Of course. Just… give yourself a break once in a while?”
“I will. Next time,” she answers, telling herself that one of these times, she’ll actually follow through with that promise.
~~~~~~~~~~
Elise meets Sora a few weeks after that painful morning conversation. She surprises Rafael at the hospital near the end of his shift, bubbly and friendly as he introduces her to everyone. Elise holds it together until they leave, smiling and shaking Sora’s hand and ignoring the briefly pained look on Rafael’s face.
She won’t, can’t, let him see how much this hurts. So she ignores the frantic pounding of her heart until she’s safely inside a dim supply closet and the door is closed behind her. She sinks to the floor and sucks in shaky breaths.
One minute, she tells herself. I just need one minute.
The door pushes open before her minute is up. Elise jerks her head up and relaxes a little when she sees it’s Sienna. Sienna sits next to her and wraps an arm around her.
“I’m sorry, Elise. Want me to beat him up?”
Elise huffs out a half-laugh. “You’re the best, you know that?”
“I may have been told that once or twice before,” Sienna smiles.
They sit quietly for a few more minutes.
“Thanks, Sienna,” Elise says quietly. “God, I feel ridiculous.”
“You shouldn’t. I know how much he means to you.”
It doesn’t escape her that Sienna uses the present tense. And she’s right. Rafael does mean a lot to her, no matter how hard she tries to let go of those feelings.
“I just didn’t expect him to move on so fast,” Elise mumbles, tugging at a loose thread on her scrub top.
Sienna hesitates, then says, “I’m not really sure that’s what happened.”
“What do you mean?”
“Just a feeling I got. I mean, they dated before. She’s familiar. It can be easy to go back to someone you’re comfortable with when you’re hurting.”
She’s not sure how to respond to that, so she stays quiet, processing the words, until Sienna pulls her up and back into the familiar chaos of Edenbrook.
~~~~~~~~~~
When Elise does finally go to Donahue’s again on a Monday night a couple weeks later, it’s because Sienna begs and pleads and then bribes her with cookies and brownies.
“Okay, okay,” Elise agrees with a laugh. “I’ll come for a little bit.”
It’s karaoke night, and there’s no denying that Bryce’s theatrics and Aurora’s panicked look when Sienna drags her up to the stage to belt out “Wannabe” cheers her up. She sips her beer and feels the most relaxed she has in a long time. She’s grateful to have such a good group of friends.
They convince her to stay out longer than she means to, refusing to let her buy her own drinks and telling her they’ve missed her.
“This guilt tripping is very unfair,” Elise says, but she doesn’t protest too much.
She’s pleasantly warm when Rafael shows up later in the night. His smile broadens when he sees her. Her heart clenches. Damn it.
“Long time no see,” he teases her gently.
She smiles back. “I was bribed. And now I’m being guilted.”
Bryce scoots over so Rafael can join them all in the booth. She doesn’t fail to notice that Sora isn’t with him, but she doesn’t say anything. For a while, it almost feels like old times, all of them chatting and laughing.
Eventually nearly everyone drifts off to order another round or migrates over to the dartboards and the jukebox until it’s just her and Rafael in the booth. Elise is almost willing to bet Sienna had a hand in that and smiles a little sadly to herself. She picks at the label on her beer bottle.
She’s feeling unusually brave when she finishes the last of it, meets Rafael’s eyes, and asks, “Can we talk?”
“Of course,” he says immediately.
They head for an empty table in a quieter corner of the bar. Elise swallows hard, then sighs. “I wanted to apologize. I know we’ve been trying to be friends and I haven’t been making that very easy.”
“Elise-”
“Wait,” she interrupts him, keeping her gaze on a spot just over his shoulder. “I just wanted you to know that I’m trying. I am. But it’s been a lot harder than I thought.”
She makes herself look at him again, feeling her breath catch in her throat at his expression. It gives her another burst of bravery.
“I was wrong,” she says in a near whisper.
“About what?” he murmurs.
“When I said that maybe this would get easier. It’s not. It’s been months and it’s not getting any easier and I don’t know how to get over-”
She clamps her mouth shut, suddenly horrified at the words that are flowing out of her. This isn’t fair to him. This isn’t going to make trying to move on any easier. She squeezes her eyes shut and takes a deep breath.
“I’m sorry, Rafael,” she says next. “I… I should go.”
She gets up abruptly and heads out the door. Rafael calls after her, asks her to wait, but she keeps walking.
~~~~~~~~~~
In what Elise thinks might be the universe plotting against her, Bryce has an early surgery and Ethan is in a meeting during their usual group workout the following morning, leaving her and Rafael alone. They stretch in silence but for the soft background noise of the radio she flipped on out of habit, then move to the treadmills.
By the time they’re done, Elise is positive that whatever steps they were making towards a friendship, she destroyed last night. So she’s surprised when they’re heading for the showers and Rafael stops her with a gentle touch to her elbow.
“Elise… last night…”
“I’m sorry,” she says immediately. “I shouldn’t have dumped all that on you.”
“It’s okay,” Rafael says.
“But it’s not,” she blurts out. “You’re with Sora and I-”
He touches her elbow again, but this time, he keeps his fingers there, warm and gentle on her skin. “I’m not with Sora anymore.”
She isn’t sure what she was expecting Rafael to say, but it isn’t that. She stares at him, dumbfounded.
“It was a few days ago,” he begins. “I wasn’t sure how to tell you without it seeming to come out of nowhere. Or making you feel… I’m not sure how I thought you’d feel,” he confesses.
“I was going to tell you last night.” Rafael smiles faintly as he continues. “I know how gossip and rumors get around, and I just wanted to make sure you heard it from me.”
She’s still not sure what to say. “I’m sorry,” she finally says, and she means it. She hurts for him.
Rafael gently squeezes her elbow. “It’s okay. I’ll see you later, okay?”
Elise nods mutely, watching him go.
~~~~~~~~~~
The words in the journal article drift in and out of focus as Elise stares at them. She’s been reading the same page for what feels like hours. She finally shuts the screen on her laptop with a sigh and wanders out into the living room.
It’s late and all of her roommates are asleep. She settles on the couch, then hesitantly starts a text to Rafael.
Hey. Sorry it’s so late. I just wanted to let you know I’m here, if you need to talk.
She sends it before she can talk herself out of it. He replies soon after, telling her he appreciates it. Another text follows a few minutes later when she’s starting to doze off on the couch, asking if she wants to get coffee before work tomorrow so they can talk.
Familiar butterflies immediately fill her stomach. They’re the same ones that were there when they kissed for the first time, when she held him close in his hospital bed, when she realized how much she cared about him.
She tells herself there’s no reason to be nervous. It’s just coffee. She can handle coffee and talking with him.
I’d love to. And I never say no to coffee, she answers.
I remember. 🙂 I’ll see you tomorrow.
She’s early meeting Rafael, filled with too much nervous energy to sit in the apartment and keep waiting. He shows up a few minutes later, also early, smiling when he sees her. He pulls her into a quick hug and she lets herself sink into it for an all-too-brief-moment. It’s the first time she’s hugged him in a long time; she’s missed how it feels to have his arms around her.
They settle at a table with their coffee, the conversation a little hesitant and unsure at first. Rafael asks about the diagnostics team and smiles at the way she lights up when she talks about it. She asks how things are going with the new paramedic she’s seen him training, then asks about his family.
When her coffee is almost gone, Elise asks if he’s okay, really okay. Rafael gently rests his fingertips against hers, his warm gaze meeting hers. She slides her fingers closer to his before she even realizes she’s done it.
“I am,” he promises her. “It just… wasn’t going to last.”
He doesn’t explain any further, and she doesn’t ask, but something about the way he looks at her makes her wonder.
~~~~~~~~~~
Meeting up for coffee becomes a regular occurrence. Sometimes they’re able to make it work a couple times a week; other times they barely have time to briefly check in before taking their coffees to go. However it ends up working out, Elise is always grateful for the time she gets with him.
She’s understood the painful truth behind the saying “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone” long before this, but she’s really felt it the last few months. Not seeing Rafael much had been hard when they were together, but not being able to reach out or see him at all beyond work was far worse.
Sometimes she almost blurts out how much she’s missed him, but she’s so grateful for what they have now that she swallows the words back down. Still, there are times when she catches him looking at her in such a way that she swears he can read her thoughts. She wonders if he can tell that the more they start spending time together again, the more she thinks about how much she’d fallen in love with him.
Does he know that she’s falling for him again, that she hadn’t really stopped? That she keeps thinking about being with him, and then feels guilty, because she’d been the one to bring up ending things in the first place?
She thinks he might know all of it, and one night, when they meet for coffee after work, she’s certain he does.
They’re both almost done with their coffee when Rafael touches the back of her hand. His eyes search hers before he asks, “Elise… what are we doing?”
Her heart pounds. The noise of the coffee shop fades to a faint buzz around her, and she swallows hard. She knows what he’s asking. She’s been asking herself the same question for the past couple of weeks, knowing what her answer is but afraid his won’t be the same.
For a brief moment, she’s afraid he’ll tell her they have to stop whatever this is, remind her why they’d made the painful decision to end things before.
Instead, his eyes are warm, hopeful. Her breath catches in her throat.
“Rafael… I…”
He squeezes her hand reassuringly. She laces her fingers with his.
“I really missed this,” she begins. “Seeing you outside of work. Being able to talk to you.”
“You can always talk to me,” Rafael says. “That won’t change.”
“I know. But it wasn’t the same.”
He rests his other hand on top of their interlaced fingers, rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb. “No. It wasn’t,” he agrees.
“I feel so guilty,” she nearly whispers.
Rafael’s brow furrows. “Why?”
She looks down, the steady pressure of his hands calming her.
“Because I’m the one who brought up ending things. But I haven’t been able to stop thinking about how much I miss you and still want to be with you,” she confesses.
His thumb stills, and then he lifts his hand off of hers. Her heart sinks, then races when she feels him gently tilt her chin up until she looks at him again.
“Don’t feel guilty for that,” he murmurs. “I’ve been feeling the same way.”
“You have?”
Rafael smiles gently. “I have.”
Her mind and her heart start going a million miles a minute. He asks her if she wants to go for a walk and she agrees readily. They’re not far from his apartment and start heading that way in unspoken agreement. They don’t say anything, but she slips her hand into his as they walk, the silence easy and comfortable between them.
His apartment is exactly the same as she remembers. Rafael closes and locks the door behind them and she immediately wraps her arms around him.
“I’ve missed you,” Rafael murmurs, nuzzling against her neck.
Elise threads her hands into his hair, exhaling quietly.
“I’ve missed you too. So much,” she replies, her throat aching with emotion.
She tells him that she’s sorry, that she’d tried, really tried to move on, that she hadn’t wanted him and Sora to break up. He presses his lips to her forehead.
“That wasn’t your fault,” he tells her. “It wasn’t going to work. Not when I was missing you.”
She swallows hard.
“Raf?”
“Yeah?”
There are tears filling her eyes when she tells him she doesn’t want to miss him like this.
“It was hard not seeing you much, but not having you at all is so much worse,” she whispers.
“You had me,” Rafael says, his voice full of conviction as he cups her face in his hands. “I know our jobs made it hard, but you always had me, Elise.”
“You always had me too,” she murmurs.
Rafael tilts his head down, gently brushing his lips over hers. She sighs quietly, closing her eyes and kissing him back.
“Rafael?” she whispers against his mouth.
“Hmm?”
“You still have me,” she says shakily.
He rests his forehead against hers, and she can see the depth of his feelings for her shining in his eyes.
“You still have me too, Elise.”
She smiles even as she feels a few tears roll down her cheeks. Rafael brushes them away with his thumbs, her smile reflected on his face.
“Kiss me again?” she whispers.
He tilts his head back down, capturing her mouth in a slow kiss.
“Mmm,” she sighs, then shivers when he kisses her jaw, down her neck, across her collarbone.
She whimpers when he kisses her again, his lips soft and warm but more insistent this time, his fingers tangled in her hair. Need and want and all the emotions of missing him flow through her, pooling in her belly.
“I need you,” she whispers, fisting her hands in the soft fabric of his shirt. “Please, Raf, I need…”
She trails off when he lifts her easily and carries her down the hall and into his room, settling them on his bed and holding himself up above her. She’s trembling when he skims his hand under her shirt, his fingers trailing over her skin.
“I need you too,” he murmurs in her ear.
~~~~~~~~~~
When she wakes up the next morning, Rafael is wrapped around her, his chest warm and solid against her back. He kisses her shoulder, then the back of her neck. She sighs sleepily and turns in his arms.
“Good morning,” he murmurs.
“Mmm,” she hums, stretching against him. “Good morning.”
They lay peacefully together, burrowing further under the blankets, until Rafael’s phone rings. She smiles as she listens to him talk to his grandmother, his fingers running rhythmically through her hair. Elise opens her eyes lazily when she faintly hears her name on the other end of the line.
“I’ll text her and ask,” Rafael replies.
He pauses, and then his eyes crinkle in amusement. “Okay, I’ll ask her now.”
Rafael tilts the phone down. “My avo wants to know if you want to come over for breakfast.”
“I’d love that,” she answers, smiling at the thought of it. She’s missed Rafael immeasurably, but she’s missed his family too.
When he hangs up, she asks, “How’d she know I was here?”
Rafael laughs. “You know my avo says everything on her mind to everyone. She kept telling me after we broke up that we’d find our way back to each other.”
He kisses her sweetly. “I didn’t tell her, but I wanted her to be right.”
Elise curls closer to him, sliding a hand around the back of his neck and running her fingers into his hair. “I’m surprised she isn’t upset with me for ending things,” she confesses.
Rafael kisses her again. “She knew it was mutual. And not an easy decision.”
She sinks into his kiss, nearly forgetting what she’d asked him until he continues.
“As soon as she heard I’d ended things with Sora and that you and I were talking more, I think she was just waiting for me to tell her we were back together. This morning she said I sounded happier than I had in a long time, and then asked why I needed to text you when you were right next to me and I could just ask.”
Elise laughs. “She’s perceptive.”
Rafael grins. “She is. And she’s right. I’m really happy you’re here again.”
His face turns more serious. “I know we haven’t figured all this out, but…”
Elise presses her fingers to his lips. “I know the job situation is the same, but I meant what I said last night, Raf. Not being able to call you or text you just because, not seeing you outside of work… that was so much harder than anything else.”
He kisses her fingertips, waiting for her to continue.
“I still want this so much,” she tells him, her voice filled with emotion. “I want to be with you. I want to fall asleep next to you and wake up with you when I can. I want to text you good morning and good night and ask how your day has been. I want you.”
“I want that too,” he says, pulling her into a tight hug. “You. Us. All of it. You mean a lot to me, Elise. I need you to know that.”
“I do,” she promises him, voice muffled against the solid warmth of his chest, his heartbeat a steady, reassuring thump against her. “You mean a lot to me too, Raf. You have for a long time. I’m sorry it took all of this for me to realize that wasn’t going to stop.”
He tells her not to apologize, that they’re here now, together, and that’s what matters the most. When he finally climbs out of bed to shower, he flashes her an easy grin and holds his hand out.
“Coming with?” he asks.
“I can,” she teases, “if you want me to.”
He pulls her into a kiss that leaves her gasping for breath.
“Always,” he murmurs.