Summary: As Gabi drives off to college alone, she can’t help but think about the two loves she left behind.
Song Credits (In order): 1. Hello Beautiful – Noah Schnacky 2. You’re So Vain – Carly Simon 3. Ocean – Khalid and Martin Garrix 4. I Like It – Cardi B, Bad Bunny, J. Balvin 5. Fallin’ All In – Shawn Mendes 6. There’s No Way – Lauv and Julia Michaels Spotify Playlist
Word Count: 4167
Gabi looks out over the horizon as the pop radio station signal starts to fade and realizes she’s getting further from civilization. Less than 2 hours into a multi-day drive, she’s questioning her decision to attend college on the literal opposite side of the country. She scans to find something that will come in and hears a familiar twang.
“Why is country the only thing that comes in in the middle of nowhere?” She asks out loud. She’s about to find put on a Spotify playlist (thank God Toby had installed a sound system with bluetooth) when a new song comes on and the lyrics hit her like a punch to the gut:
I was eighteen when we first met / Couldn’t believe how you took my breath / In your sweatshirt, your converse / You didn’t even know you were rockin’ my world
It was like it was written about her and Logan. The same age, even the same outfit she was wearing. She can’t help but let herself go back to that first day.
~~~
“Oof!” Gabi crashed to the ground and her books went flying. She wasn’t paying attention and ran straight into someone’s back. She looked up and suddenly all the blood in her body rushed straight to her cheeks. It was the extremely hot guy with the really expensive car she saw out the bus window. To make matters worse he had been talking with Brent, the rich stuck-up asshole who saw the whole thing. She was too busy being mortified to even pay attention to Brent’s jab at her.
The mysterious hot guy reached down to help her up. “You know, there are easier ways to get my attention.”
“I, uh..thanks.” She takes his hand and he easily pulls her to her feet. “I’m really sorry about running into you. It won’t happen again.” She could hardly look him in the eyes and she wasn’t sure if it was because she was so embarrassed or because he was so good looking. Probably both.
He cocked an eyebrow. “It won’t? Too bad.”
Her heart started to flutter in her chest. “I just got distracted, and then I didn’t–um–Sorry, but who are you?” She was so flustered she didn’t even think about how that question sounded.
The guy chuckled. “You cut right to the chase, don’t you?” The name’s Logan.
~~~
That’s where it all had started. The best and worst thing to ever happen to her. She had thought she was done crying but a single tear streams down her cheek as she remembers that day. She knows now the whole thing was a set-up, but as she thinks back to the way Logan looked at her, she’s certain at least a part of it had always been real.
She comes back to the present, focusing in on the words again and it only gets worse:
I tried to see you but your daddy wouldn’t let me / He told you, you should just forget me / But what we had, was somethin’ so real and / He didn’t know, the way we feel /Oh-woah-woah-woah / And so I met you in the dark
Oh-woah-woah-woah / Underneath the stars
Gabi quickly scans to another station because she’ll have to pull over and cry if she doesn’t, Logan’s goodbye still too fresh in her mind. She finally hits on something that sounds like classic rock, so she hopes that will be safe. Some song she doesn’t know is finishing up and then another comes on, one she knows this time:
You walked into the party / Like you were walking on a yacht /…./And all the girls dreamed that they’d be your partner / They’d be your partner, and You’re so vain / You probably think this song is about you / You’re so vain, / I’ll bet you think this song is about you / Don’t you? / Don’t you?
It could make her think of any of the self-important snobs that went to her school, but she laughs because there’s only one cocky asshole this song brings to mind.
~~~
Gabi stood with her mouth agape at the side-show. She had never seen anything like it and was taking it all in.
“Looks like you’re in the wrong place, sweetheart.” She turned in the direction of the voice to see a guy with hair and eyes as dark as his black leather jacket leaning against a white motorcycle, arms folded like he owned the place. “You’re lost aren’t you?”
She narrowed her eyes at him and his patronizing tone. “Who wants to know?”
“Just wondering who you are trying to impress, looking like that.”
What was that supposed to mean? Did he like what he saw, or could he tell that she felt like a girl playing dress-up and trying to fit in? “I’m meeting…a friend.”
“Uh, oh. Sounds like you’ve fallen in with the wrong crowd.” The guy smirked. He was hot, but that didn’t excuse his jerkish behavior.
“Only since I started talking to you,” Gabi huffed, and he just laughed. “Look are you going to stand there being a jerk, or are you going to tell me what this place is?”
“I can multitask,” he answered smugly. “You’re looking at the biggest side-show in West L.A.”
“Side-show?”
“We get together, show off our rides a little. Do some stunts, some racing…make new friends, new enemies. You get the gist.”
Gabi rolled her eyes. “You must make all sorts of friends with that charming personality.”
“Hey, talk all you want, but I’m not the one who ditched my date like this.”
“Gabi, hey! There you are.” Logan jogged up and slipped his arm around her waist protectively.
“Ah, here comes the knight in shining armor now,” Colt assessed wryly.
Logan glowered at the leather jacket clad motorcycle rider. “Who’s this?”
“The guy who had to keep your little girlfriend company.” He answered in a challenging tone.
“Logan, he’s just giving me directions.” Gabi figured she’d never have to see this guy again, so she wanted to diffuse the situation before a fight broke out.
The guy and Logan exchanged words, but thankfully he decided to leave before any punches were thrown. He swung his leg over his motorcycle and winked at Gabi. “See you around,” he added before revving his engine and gunning it out of there.
~~~
Gabi smiles as she listens to the rest of the song, belting out the chorus every time it comes on. Her initial assessment of Colt had been pretty spot on, and yet she’d grown to love him anyway.
She gets bored of that station and has difficulty getting much of anything to come in. “Screw it.” She says to herself because there’s no one else to talk to. If every song is going to remind her of them anyhow, she might as well embrace the pain. She selects ‘MPC’, the playlist she thought she’d never want to listen to again. Songs she’d compiled during her time with Logan, Colt and the crew.
Tell me what you’re crying for / I’ll wipe your tears, oh love /If your soul is aching love / We’ll comfort you for sure
“I’m not crying now, but I might be by the end of this song,” she muses out loud as the first song plays, and she thinks about where she was the first time she heard it.
~~~
Gabi sat on the hood of Logan’s devore GT leaning back on her hands, eyes closed, letting the warm late afternoon sun wash over her face. She’d just kicked ass during her driving lesson with Logan and was enjoying avoiding the normal stress of daily life for just a while. A slow song played from Logan’s car stereo, just loud enough for them to hear.
If we’re caught in a wave, I will carry you over / It don’t matter where you are, I’ll run to your front door… You could put an ocean between our love, love, love / It won’t keep us apart
“Something’s on your mind. Is everything okay?” Logan asked, sensing something she had no idea she was making known.
“Yeah just wondering if you play this song for every girl you bring to the beach. It’s pretty literal – wave, ocean….” Gabi teased.
Logan chuckled. “I promise this is just some random radio station. But really, is everything okay?
“You ever feel like two different people at once?”
Logan paused, pensively looking out at the sky. “I wish I could say yeah, that I’ve been there. But I’d be lying.”
“Maybe that’s just part of growing up.” Gabi turned her gaze to the ocean and then looked back at Logan, his eyes meeting her intensely. She leaned in closer and he met her halfway, caressing her cheek and kissing her sweetly in the light of the sunset. She pulled back, searching Logan’s face, trying to gauge his thoughts. Logan held her close and she rested her head on his shoulder as they looked out over the water, watching the sun go down.
Logan broke the silence after a while. “I’m glad you came with me. But I don’t want to cause any problems with your friends.”
“You won’t. I promise.” As much as she loved Riya and Darius, she figured they’d be happy to lose their third wheel every now and again. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you brought me out her to watch the sunset..but that would be way too romantic for you.”
“I can be romantic sometimes. Just don’t tell anyone.” Logan winked at her but then his face grew more somber. “I used to do this on hard days sometimes. Come out here and watch the waves roll in, the sun go down. Just to remind myself that the world was bigger than me. Bigger than my problems. The ocean made them seem pretty small.”
Gabi’s heart ached for Logan. She couldn’t begin to fathom what it was like to grow up the way he did and she was sure she didn’t even know the half of it. “Sometimes, I wish I could meet that kid you talk about and help him out. Or just hold him. Tell him he’s gonna grow up to be a really great guy.”
Logan sighed. “A great guy maybe… but not a good one.”
When my head goes in different directions / You know my heart’s never on the move / And in the dark times you don’t have to question / If I’m a hundred with you
The sat back against the windshield in silence as the song played on and the sun fell fully over the horizon.
~~~~
At the time Gabi hadn’t understood what Logan meant by being a great guy maybe but not a good one. Now she understands why he thought that, but after all has been said and done, she knows it’s not true. Logan turned out to be one of the most amazing, selfless men she ever met, and she only hopes he can see that now, wherever he may be.
You could put an ocean between our love, love, love / It won’t keep us apart / You could build a wall, I would run it up, up, up (run it up) / Just to get to your heart / If we’re caught in a wave / Baby, we’ll make a way / You could put an ocean between our love, love, love / It won’t keep us apart
She’s wistful as the song finishes out, remembering the brief time she was naive enough to think no obstacle could come between them. Much to her relief, the next song elicits a happier memory.
Yeah, baby, I like it like that / You gotta believe me when I tell you /I said I like it like that / You gotta believe me when I tell you /I said I like it like—
~~~
“You’ve got taste, I’m stunned.” The way Colt said it didn’t quite sound like a compliment, but she’d take it over his typical insults. Gabi knew enough about popular hip hop songs to sing along, but she’d be lying if she said she didn’t pick the station because she figured it was the type of music Colt liked. He was still such an ass but she couldn’t help feeling a need to win him over.
Gabi heard the opening of ‘I like it Like That’ come on. She and Riya had sang and danced to that song in her room a hundred times. “You ain’t heard nothing yet” she announce before jumping in on Cardi B’s first verse:
‘They call me Cardi Bardi, banging body, / Spicy mami, hot tamale / Hotter than a Somali, fur coat, Ferrari / Hop out the stu’, jump in the coupe (the coupe) / Big Dipper on top of the roof / Flexing on bitches as hard as I can /Eating halal, driving the Lam’ / Told that bitch I’m sorry though / ‘Bout my coins like Mario (Mario) / Yeah they call me Cardi B, I run this shit like cardio / Oh, facts.’
‘Woow, Gabi. Just wow.” Colt shook his head and laughed, yet she didn’t detect any sarcasm in his tone like she might have expected. There was almost some sort of affection there and she saw what appeared to be a genuine smile for the first time. Up to that point she hadn’t realized he had any other facial expressions aside from his scowl and his shit-eating grin.
“Kinda turned on right now.” Mona added, and if Gabi had impressed her that was saying something.
“Sing with me guys,” Gabi encouraged.
‘Certified, you know I’m gang, gang, gang, gang (I said I like it like), Drop the top and blow the brains (I said I like it like that), she continued and only Toby, Mona and Ximena joined in.
‘Oh he’s so handsome, what’s his name?’ Gabi turned to Colt and pointed
Colt rolled his eyes but humored her and answered back: (I said I like it)
Everyone in the car burst out laughing and they sang along to every song the rest of the ride home.
~~~~
Gabi still has a big smile on her face until the next song starts, and she gets melancholy once again. Sometimes some of the best memories can be the most painful.
~~~
Logan turned to Gabi while Darius and Riya playfully bickered across the table from them at the diner. “Thanks for inviting me to hang out.”
“Well, I’ve been ensnared in your world.. Thought you could get ensnared in mine.”
“It’s a nice change of pace for me. Calm.”
“I promise I won’t let you get too bored.” She did worry that this normal life seemed pretty lame in comparison to what he was used to.
“I never get bored. Matter of fact, I have an idea. Come with me.” Logan stood, offering Gabi a hand. He led her over to the jukebox and put a few quarters in. “Pick any song you want.”
Gabi perused the selection carefully. It looked like an old school jukebox, but had been updated with a bunch of newer songs in addition to the classics. She almost chose ‘What’s New Pussycat’ to make him laugh, but then one of her favorite songs caught her eye.
Logan cocked an eyebrow. “Shawn Mendes, huh? I bet you just like him because he’s cute.”
“Have you seen his body?” Gabi teased.
“Alright, that’s enough out of you. Shall we?” He asked, offering his hand.
“Dance? Right here, in the middle of the diner?” She looked at him skeptically but followed his lead anyhow. They swayed to the music, holding each other close.
Sunrise with you on my chest / No blinds in the place where I live / Daybreak open your eyes / ‘Cause this was only ever meant to be for one night / Still, we’re changing our minds here / Be yours, be my dear / So close with you on my lips / Touch noses, feeling your breath / Push your heart and pull away, yeah / Be my summer in a winter day love
“Is this what it’d be like? If I went to school? If I were a regular guy? Hang out in diners with you and Riya and Darius and fix DNA models?” There’ was a wistfulness to his tone she hadn’t expected.
Ooh, you know I’ve been alone for quite a while / haven’t I? I thought I knew it all / Found love but I was wrong / More times than enough
“I know it’s not a glamourous life of money and thrills… but yeah.” These things are so mundane to her, but she’d never thought about it from the perspective of someone who’d never had the chance to experience them firsthand.
Pretending to be normal feels surreal. It feels…dangerous.” Logan admits.
You are bringing out a different kind of me / There’s no safety net that’s underneath, I’m free / Falling all in
The significance of the lyrics at that very moment in time was not lost on Gabi, both of them showing each other how the other half lives, bringing out sides of one another they didn’t know they had. She’d never considered that getting to experience and get used to the idea of an average teenage life could feel just as ‘dangerous’ to Logan as hanging out with gang members and committing crimes was to her. “Normal can be overrated. Just look at me. I was living the same old boring life. I couldn’t wait to get out of every day until I met you.”
“How do you like me as a normal high school guy?”
Gabi pressed a long kiss to Logan’s lips as they spun around. “Does that answer the question for you?”
Logan smirked. “Not completely sure. Maybe answer it again so I can make sure I get it? You know, if you’re not too tired, we can still get you behind the wheel for some practice after this…”
“I’d like that.” Gabi stared into Logan’s eyes as they spun around the checkered floor, the song continuing in the background.
Every time I see you baby I get lost / If I’m dreaming, baby, please don’t wake me up / Every night I’m with you I fall more in love / Now I’m laying by your side / Everything feels right since you came along / I’m thinking baby / You, yeah, are bringing out a different kind of me. / There’s no safety net that’s underneath, I’m free. / Falling all in / You fell for men who weren’t how they appear (Ooh) / Trapped up on a tightrope now we’re here, we’re free / Falling all in
~~~
Gabi sighs as the song ends. As with so many things Logan said and did, looking back on them knowing everything now makes so much more sense. If she had to pinpoint an exact moment Logan started to give in and admit to himself his feelings were all real, she’d have to guess this night – letting himself long not just for a normal boring life, but that life with her, making the fact that he may never get that with anyone now hurt that much more.
It feels like Gabi has been driving for days but the clock tells her its been just over 3 hours, and she’s seeing literal tumbleweeds out her window. Her legs are all stiff, the gas is getting low, and she kind of needs to pee, but she’s determined to make it vegas. She groans wondering how she’s going to make it another hour but she perks up when the next song starts:
You touch me and it’s almost like we knew / That there will be history between us two…Trying to keep our feelings secretly covered
She’d tried to fight the feeling for a while an she knew that he had too, but thinking back to that moment on the cliff, something had clicked and there would be no going back.
~~~
Colt’s blase, tough guy attitude about everything was getting to Gabi. Here they were overlooking the pacific ocean at sunset, vibrant streaks of pink, orange and yellow in the sky, and it was honestly one of the most magnificent things she’d ever seen. “You know, you don’t have to downplay everything. Sometimes it’s okay if something just takes your breath away.”
Colt turned, and held her gaze a moment too long. “Noted.”
The way his eyes took her in suggested they weren’t talking about the sunset anymore, and she felt her cheeks flush. “How’d you find this place?” Gabi asked, looking for any appropriate topic change.
“My pop brought me here when I was a kid. He’d make me jump off the cliff into the water.”
Gabi craned her neck to peer over the edge. “That’s a long way down for a kid…or me!”
Colt scanned his eyes over the water thoughtfully. “I think he was trying to teach me something. Courage? Trust? I dunno, I was just a scared kid flying through the air and into the deep. But maybe it worked. Because since then, whenever I needed a place to be at peace, I’ve come here.”
“Well…we didn’t just come up here to stare, right?”
“You wanna jump? Seriously?”
When Colt looked back to Gabi, she had already stripped down to her underwear. “Seriously!” Although the prospect of jumping from that height was still terrifying, there was something about Colt’s presence that made her bold.
“Okay, okay, you’ve made your point.” Colt removed his clothes to match her with only his boxer briefs left on. “I know what I’m in for. Do you?”
She didn’t. Not for the jump and not with Colt either, but she was ready to find out. “Nope. On the count of three…”
“One, two…three!”
They ran toward the edge together and Gabi grabbed Colt’s hand. He squeezed hers back just as they leapt into the air. “Aaahh!” Gabi screamed on the descent, finally plunging into the deep, cool water. They kicked their way up to the surface, still hand-in-hand.
Colt shook the water from his hair, a wide grin plastered on his face. “Man… I’d almost forgotten what it felt like.”
“See? Are you done downplaying everything?”
“…Maybe I am.”
But maybe we can hold off one sec / So we can keep this tension in check
But there’s no way that it’s not going there / With the way that we’re looking at each other
Drifting together face to face, Colt’s eyes met hers with a heated intensity that made her forget how cold the water was. Something unspoken passed between them and they crashed into one another, Colt threading his fingers through Gabi’s hair and holding her close as they kissed each other hungrily.
I wish I could make the time stop / So we could forget everything and everyone / I wish that the time would line up / So we could just give in to what we want
Colt broke away without warning. “You’re with Logan. I shouldn’t do this to the crew.” Gabi started to respond, but before she could get the words out, Colt’s mouth was on hers again, kissing her hard and making her forget everything else. Treading water, Gabi tries to hold onto Colt, but he pulled away again. “Dammit, what’s wrong with me?”
“Look…things are complicated.”
“I don’t know what that means.” It wasn’t a question but he was still asking for an answer.
‘Cause when I got somebody, you don’t / And when you got somebody, I don’t / I wish that the time would line up / So we could just give in
How could she explain that be he and Logan made her feel amazing things but it totally different ways. “I guess I don’t either. I’m only just now figuring out who I am. Logan’s part of that. But maybe you are too.”
Colt smirked, seemingly satisfied with the answer enough for now. “Well, maybe I can help you figure that out.” Knowing just what he meant, her lips met his again, and they kissed passionately, desperately, limbs intertwined as the bobbed in the waves until the last traces of the sun disappeared.
~~~
The lyrics had it right. There was no way it was not going there, no matter how hard she’d tried to fight it. Every time she had been with Colt it was like time stood still and Logan didn’t exist. She wishes she could say she regretted getting herself into that mess, but that would mean regretting the good times with Colt, and she wouldn’t change those for anything.
Suddenly the combined emotions all seem to hit her at once and she needs a break, turning the music off completely. Maybe some silence will quiet her thoughts for a while.