“Hana, are you sure you want to do this?” Riley asked, her hands wringing idly in front of her. She felt bad enough for all that Hana had helped her with since Drake’s death, her constant care when Riley wanted nothing more than for the earth to open up and swallow her whole. I can’t let her do this, she’s done enough for me already. They all have. She hated how much she had to rely on her friends that were now basically her family in the four and a half months since Drake’s passing. They shouldn’t have to worry about painting a nursery. This is my job, mine and Drake’s.
“Riley.” Hana smiled softly at Riley.
God I wish I could read thoughts.
“I’ve always wanted to paint something other than fruit on canvas, believe me you are doing me a favor. Let me do this for you and Peanut.”
Let her help Riley. She wants to do this for you, let her.
Riley nodded, no longer able to form words. Drake’s presence had been so all consuming since the ultrasound and even more constant since the day with the sunflowers. She felt like she would never get used to the odd feeling of comfort that having him near brought her. I love you Drake …
Riley blinked back the tears the memory triggered. Her mouth hung agape as she stared at the pale blue walls. “Hana.” She gasped. She wasn’t sure how to put into words the feelings she felt when she looked at the mural her friend had put on her baby’s wall.
Her eyes slowly traced over the wall before staring up at the ceiling. The white clouds looked like perfect wisps of cotton candy. God she’s talented. Is there anything she can’t do? Her lips turned upwards as her eyes drifted to the tall sunflowers There were three groupings of three, with each sunflower in a different stage of tracing the sun in the sky. Her eyes fell lower, her heart jumping at the sight of the crib standing in front of the proud sunflowers. She reached out, her fingers gently brushing over the oak finish. The crib was simple and understated, featuring carved bunnies, turtles, puppies, and fish along the front and back rails. It’s perfect. A few tears escaped, tracing erratic paths down her cheeks. She turned to face her friend. “It’s beautiful Hana.”
“Really?” Hana beamed; she had found such joy in painting the wall. She had worked hard to not make the wall look too overdone or busy. She was ecstatic that she pleased her friend.
“Truly Hana, it’s everything I wanted.” She stilled her hand resting on the crib. “Do you know where the crib came from?”
“Bastien found it. It’s beautiful isn’t it? He said it was all handcrafted and hand carved. He was still working on putting it together when I left after finishing the wall.”
Bastien? I never meant… Waves of guilt crashed down on her. She’d never meant for him to take so much on when she’d asked him for his help and advice. She turned to him because she wasn’t sure who else would know Drake well enough to know the right way to include Drake’s taste into the nursery. Well, there was one person but she wasn’t talking to him. He was the reason she was doing all of this alone.
You aren’t alone. You have our friends.
Her hand grazed her small bump and a shiver ran down her spine. She knew he was right but it wasn’t the same. You should be here. You would be here if it weren’t for Liam.
Stop that, stop blaming him and yourself or you’ll never move on. I promise one day this will all make sense.
Fresh tears sprang to her eyes. I don’t want to move on, I want you. As much as she wanted to fight it and keep the fire of hate burning in her gut she knew he was right. She needed to try to release the guilt and anger if she ever wanted to move forward. “I—I need to go.” She couldn’t do this now. She felt suffocated by her feelings—longing, love, anger, guilt. She needed to be alone to get her head on straight before she said or did something to alienate the few people she had left.
Riley raced from the nursery, tears rolling down her cheeks and filling her eyes. She couldn’t do this; she hated that she had to do this alone. What was I thinking? How can I do this by myself? She was so lost in her own grief she ran directly into a hard body.
Strong arms reached out holding her steady. She blinked away the unfallen tears obscuring her view. She was surprised to lock onto steely grey. The realization of whom she’d run into set her into a new fit of tears.
He was already doing so much for her, for Drake, and she asked him for more. She was becoming too reliant on those around her because the fear of being alone sent her into a panic.
“Riley, are you okay?” The sight of the duchess running through the halls in tears putting the guard on alert.
Riley shook her head. “No—I don’t know—I can’t.” Her thoughts came out a jumbled mess. She was so twisted around she wasn’t sure what she was even trying to accomplish anymore. Move forward. Do I want to? You have to. Her entire world had crashed down around her leaving her scrambling to find something to hold onto and she felt as though she would never make sense of what her life had become.
Bastien looked past Riley into the room she’d just left and understanding washed over him twisting with a feeling of guilt and regret. She saw. He’d worried he was overstepping but when he had seen the crib he knew it was exactly what Drake would have chosen himself.
“Duchess Riley, I apologize for overstepping, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“You didn’t.” She shook her head, it wasn’t his fault she was upset, it was her own. “It’s me—I can’t.”
His heart shattered as he saw her still struggling to move on without Drake. He knew from watching Bianca that it took time, and some could never right themselves. She’s stronger than Bianca. He’d watched her handle the social season and beyond with grace and poise, even in the midst of a scandal he still regretted being apart of, she never let herself waiver staying strong even when everything was against her. He knew this was far harder an obstacle to overcome but he had faith that she could come out the other side stronger than she ever had been before. “What do you need?”
She stared at him, trying to stop herself from screaming I need Drake, I can’t do this without him. “I—I need air.”
“Okay.” He nodded as he guided her through the manor to the wooden bench Hana had placed near the sunflowers.
Riley sat, her eyes trained on the last gift she’d ever receive from her husband. She tried not to let her heart break all over again by thinking of all the anniversaries, Christmases and birthdays he’d miss. “I’ll be fine Bastien, I’m sure you have better things to do than to look after a grieving widow.”
“If it’s all the same to you your grace, I’d rather stay and make sure you both are safe.”
She nodded glancing down at her hands. Maybe if Liam hadn’t left him behind we both would have left alive. Stop, stop agonizing over what if’s, he’s gone and there is no getting him back. She’d spent enough of her time dreaming how things would be different, she needed to try to leave those thoughts behind. This is my life now, me and peanut, surrounded by our friends, people who care about me and cared about him.
She stared at the sunflowers, watching as they soaked up the sun’s warm rays. She thought about how they should be drooping, drug down by the weight of their heavy head, but yet they stood tall and traced the sun’s path in the sky day after day. I can do this, I can persevere.
She stood up, she could be strong like the sunflowers she loved so much. She could take a page out of their book and not allow things meant to bring her down to prevent her from moving forward.
She placed her hand over her bump. We’ve got this peanut, just you and me. She looked over at Bastien, giving the diligent guard a small smile. You, me and a group of really good friends.
