Summary: The simple mention of Alana Kusuma’s name brings back memories that Damien Nazario wishes he could long forget.
Author’s note: this is a request by @confessionsofabrokegirl!!! Yeeeeees I finally wrote it!!! I can’t believe it [shedding tears of joy] LOL Thank you so much for your endless support, infinite patience and for trusting in me to write a Damien x Alana fanfic, I feel so flattered and I hope it does them justice (I love these two so much but, damn, they gave me so much work lol) and that you’ll enjoy it, Nina! It also is my submission for ‘ChoicesCreates69 – Wrong Choices’ by @clonedhayden. We know how much guilt and regret Damien feels about what happened in Beitan and of his time working in the NYPD and Interpol. This fanfic takes place in Part 4 of my series The Third Park (Damien x OC). Characters belong to Pixelberry Studios, only Ellie is mine. Damien and Alana are 100% human here.
Song: Forget by Marina and The Diamonds MARINA IS MY GODDESS!!!!!
Sick of my small heart, made of steel
Sick of the wounds that never heal…
If that was a normal Tuesday night, Damien would probably be at his own apartment, drinking alone until he passed out on the couch, moping and feeling sorry for himself because Allen Park, the love of his life, had just married his perfect match, Hayden Young, and they were on their honeymoon in Cinque Terre.
But that wasn’t a normal Tuesday night. That night, he was on his favorite pub, Archer and Hopps, on a date (at least, that was what he thought it was), drinking and getting to know the beautiful and interesting woman sitting next to him, Eleanor Zhou, another cousin of Allen’s and Nadia’s. The ‘third Park’. His life had turned upside down since Ellie had came into his life. She almost literally tore his door down, asking for Allen’s password, the day before. Allen and his wedding to another person were completely forgotten. Well, almost.
But for the first time after months of endless brooding, Damien Nazario was having a good time. Talking with her was easy and she made him laugh. It was all good.
The private detective might have had a few too many beers, because he already was feeling more daring and finally had the guts to ask Eleanor if she was single. Apparently, her two last relationships didn’t end up so well and she had been extremely single since then.
Good, because he was desperately attracted to her.
“What about you? Seeing someone?” – Ellie asked, taking a sip on her own beer. Damien let out a low chuckle.
“I wish. But I had my fair share of bad relationships, too.“
“Oh yeah, Nadia told me about an ex-girlfriend of yours, this Interpol agent that helped you all take down Eros… Alana, right?”
“Dammit, Nadia. What else did she tell you?”
“Everything, I believe. Allen invited Alana to the wedding but she didn’t came…”
“Thank God.” – he muttered under his breath.
“I know she’s your ex… but why? You didn’t want to see her again? Allen respected her, even after that ‘betrayal’.”
“Allen is more forgiving than me. I guess you’re aware of that.”
Eleanor nodded, letting out a sigh.
“What a shame. I was looking forward to meet her. She sounded interesting. And gorgeous. Nadia showed me a picture of her. You were a very good looking couple. Can I meet her someday?”
“If you think I’ll introduce you to her, then you must be dreaming. Alana is dangerous.”
“I’m a grown up woman, ’D’.” – she called him with the nickname Nadia gave him. – “I know how to take care of myself.”
“Okay, if you happen to meet her, don’t come crying to me after she breaks your little heart, ‘Ellie’.” – he called her by her nickname too.
She giggled, leaning closer to him, her eyes longing on his.
“Hey…” – her breath was hot against his skin. Damien felt an exciting thrill run his body. – “help me.” – before he could know what was happening, Eleanor’s hand was on one of his forearms to steady herself as she stood up from her seat. – “Wait for me. I need to freshen up.” – he chuckled softly as he watched her wobbling towards the restroom. How could she be both so sexy and so silly? It was that damn Park’s charm, definitely.
He finished his drink in silence, unable to stop the memories that almost immediately were brought back to his mind by the simple mention of Alana’s name. Memories of what seemed to have happened a lifetime ago. Of Alana Kusuma. Of NYPD and Interpol. Of Beitan. Of the day that changed him forever.
Damien immigrated to the United States when he was a teenager, to study; he had an uncle that lived there in New York. He still was a kid when he entered to the New York Police Department as a Cadet Corp when he still was in college, studying to get his Bachelor degree in Criminology. He was 21.
After he graduated from university, NYPD promoted him and he kept advancing in his career there. When he was 24 years old, there was this case that was being handed off from one precinct to another. Damien was young and always so ready and eager to prove himself, plus, no one wanted to take the case of Leon Rolph, so he volunteered. His captain partnered him with the best of the best.
“You’ll need Interpol’s help for this case, Nazario, and they kindly sent Agent Kusuma here to be your partner. She’s the best agent in her area.”
“Not just the best in my area. But the best of the best as well.” – the woman said playfully to his captain, who laughed. Damien felt a thrill running through his body when her brown eyes locked with his. – “Alana Kusuma.” – she introduced herself, her voice low and collected, as she extended her hand to him, a confident catty smirk playing on her red lips.
“Damien Nazario.” – he said back, his throat suddenly dry. Her smile widened and she had a firm grip.
Alana was the most beautiful and gorgeous woman he had ever met. And the most dangerous too. She never really told him her age and Damien never had the guts to ask her about it, but he believed she was a few years older than him. Probably 3 or 4. Alana was fierce, incredibly smart and difficult to work, some would say, but that was okay, because Damien knew he wasn’t an easy person either.
As expected, they didn’t get along well easily. They argued a lot in the beginning. Their points of view and strategies were just too different. It felt like they went together like ammonia and bleach.
One night, Damien and Alana found themselves alone in the small room they shared in his precinct for Leon Rolph’s case. They were both working overtime and he was obsessed with the case; he wanted so bad to do a good job, to catch Leon. But it wasn’t being easy. They were trapped on his sick game. It felt like he had disappeared on Earth; there was no sign of him.
“No!” – he yelled, feeling angry and frustrated.
“Stop screaming, Damien.” – Alana hissed back at him. – “Shouting doesn’t help in anything, do you know it?” – he glared at her. How could she still have that stoic expression on her face? And still look stunning even after hours of endless and fruitless brainstorm and research?
“Well, what do you suggest we do then?”
She approached him with calm and confident steps.
“You have to keep your head straight and be patient. Try to recognize his pattern, so we can beat him.” – she was so close to him that he could feel her sweet and intoxicating perfume, her body slightly brushing on his. Damien immediately felt his body involuntary reacting to it. More specifically, by the way the front part of his pants got instantly hard. – “Have you noticed that Leon vanishes from time to time for weeks?” – she pointed to the files they had about the case. – “It’s almost as if he’s taunting us… Hey, are you okay?” – she asked when he took a step back from her.
“Ugh, yeah… Go on, I’m listening.” – he said as he desperately tried to hide the stupid and inappropriate sudden boner.
And then, he saw a catty smirk spreading on Alana’s full and scarlett lips.
“Wow, Damien, I didn’t know I had this effect over you…”
He wanted to protest, tell her that he just saw her as a coworker, but it was pretty clear that his pants were telling otherwise.
And then, surprisingly, Alana pulled him in and her hungry, demanding lips met his. Damien was numb for a quick second. He had always found Alana unreadable, so he was genuinely surprised by it (although he suspected that she found him more tolerable than most people). And judging by the way she kissed him, she wanted him as much as he wanted her.
And then, he melt into her arms. Damien has had a few short relationships before, but they happened a long time ago, when he still was in college. And he craved for Alana so much. Every time he found himself alone with her, it was just so damn hard to keep his pants on.
They fucked the first time that night, on his desk.
After it, after they had all that sexual tension between them figured out, things got incredibly better. They still argued regularly, but they were much more comfortable around each other. They actually became a great team.
He knew they shouldn’t, but they soon developed a more than just professional relationship. Alana didn’t seem to be worried about it at all. He soon found out that she wasn’t the type to follow rules or orders. She always did what she wanted.
He had never fallen in love before, even with his previous partners, but he fell for Alana, for her free spirit and fierceness. Even when they fought – which was something that happened in a regular basis -, things still felt good. He later found out that she got a soft spot for him too, and they started dating.
If Damien had to describe his relationship with Alana with just one word, it would definitely be intense. It was a crash and burn, with a few more intense variables added in. But the younger Damien liked it. It was never boring. He never knew what to expect from Alana and they were both so stubborn and full of themselves. Besides, the sex was fantastic, and the make up sex even better.
Then, they got to join Interpol’s task forces overseas and everything seemed almost perfect for a while. They shared that safe house in Germany and Damien had the experience of a real, grown-up relationship for the first time. Well, a relationship when you both are working as undercover agents after a merciless drug dealer.
…But then, everything changed after that incident in Beitan.
Although they were dating, Damien wasn’t fully sure if Alana cared about him as much as he cared for her until then. He was a complete mess and Alana protected and cleared his name for him. She convinced NYPD and Interpol that it wasn’t his fault and he didn’t get fired.
But Damien’s mind and conscience couldn’t rest, even after his superiors said that he made the right call with the information he had in that fateful night, that it wasn’t his fault; it even wasn’t his bullet. That it was just ‘unfortunate that it led to a civilian casualty’. That was what they said. ‘A civilian casualty’. No name. They didn’t care that it was a 9 year-old little girl who died that night, her life ahead of her. She was just another number.
Alana actually tried to make things look normal for a while. She told him to forget about it. But he simply just couldn’t.
For the next few cases, his head clearly wasn’t in it anymore. He was afraid of making another mistake. What if another tragedy happened again? What if it was even bigger? And because of him? What if another innocent soul was lost? What if it was another kid?
So Interpol and NYPD sent him back home to take some time for himself before going back to work. Back into the States, he had time. Time to wallow in his own guilty. Time to think about everything he did all those years in NYPD. Time to think about the kid, Kiba. The memory of her, clutching his hand, her eyes locked on his, wordless, until she closed her eyes, replayed and still replays in his mind over and over again, every night, before he goes to sleep.
The more Damien reminisced about all the things he had done, the more he hated it. The more he hated himself. He just couldn’t live like nothing had happened. It became too much. So, he decided to not go back to NYPD. He couldn’t go on, on living a life like that. Working undercover, never knowing who he could trust, lying to good people who didn’t deserve it. Treating a kid’s death with so much disdain.
He thought that Alana would understand him, but her reaction was the complete opposite.
“What? Are you resigning?!” – Alana shouted as he walked out of his captain’s office. She followed him. – “Why this sudden decision?”
“It’s not a sudden decision. I’ve been thinking about it for months.” – he simply said, taking his things from his desk. He could feel the weight on his shoulders already a little lighter. She just rolled her eyes to his answer. – “Listen, can we talk about this later?” – their colleagues were curiously looking at them.
“I’m not talking about this later.” – she stated, stubbornly. Damien sighed.
“Okay, let’s go to somewhere a little more private.” – and then he pulled her out of the building. – “I don’t know why you’re so surprised about this. You know that I’ve been a mess since…”
“Please. You’re just too stressed. Give it a few more months and you’ll get over it.”
“I’m not stressed.” – he protested, looking back at her with a frown. Why couldn’t she understand? He thought that at least Alana would understand him. Would support his decision.
“Anyway, what the captain said? Did he accept it?”
“…Let’s say that he’s not pleased.” – the talk he had with his captain just moments before replayed on his mind. The old man tried to convince him to stay, even proposed a promotion. But Damien had decided. He wasn’t going to spend any other second there.
“Obviously. You’re a great agent, Damien.”
“Well, I don’t give a fuck if he agrees with it or not. It’s my decision. I just can’t go on with this.” – he saw her rolling her eyes again.
“You’re too sensitive sometimes, I swear.” – he clenched his jaw.
“An innocent civilian life was lost that night because of my mistake. She was just a kid, Alana!”
“Well, people should have evacuated the area like we ordered them to.” – her brown eyes glared back at him.
Damien took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. They always ended up arguing about what happened in Beitan. Alana claimed that it wasn’t his fault. That it wasn’t anyone’s fault. But that was not how he felt about it.
“Anyway, what’s done is done: I’ve just resigned from NYPD. I’m not coming back.”
Suddenly, the front door of the precinct opened and they saw the Captain walking out, joining them.
“Nazario, I think you should grab your things and go, before I regret too much for accepting your resignation.”
“Yes, sir.”
The older man turned to Alana.
“What about you, Agent Kusuma?”
“What?”
“Are you going with Nazario here? You’ve been partners for almost two years now… And I know that a lot of things happened between you. You’ve become… closer.” – none of them had ever talked about their relationship to their coworkers and superiors, and they were very discreet (when there were people around), but everybody knew that they were dating. – “Your partner is leaving us today. I just want to know if you’ll follow him.”
Alana glanced to Damien. She suddenly looked hesitant. He really thought she’d choose him, for a second.
But then, she turned back to face the captain.
“Then I guess we’ll have to find a new partner to me as soon as possible.” – she said, with a grin on her lips. Damien felt his heart breaking a little. – “I’ll be right back soon.” – the older man nodded.
“I guess you two need to talk first. Farewell, Nazario.” – Damien tilted his head and the man returned to the building.
“Alana…”
“Listen, Damien, you do what you want. I’m not stopping you. If you want to have a boring and misery life, go have it. But don’t ask me to follow you.” – her eyes glared back at him. – “I do what I want.”
He should have known that that would happen. He should have expected it, to be honest. He knew Alana Kusuma; she didn’t answer to no one else but her… But he loved her and hoped that she would understand and support him. He had hoped that she would stay by his side.
“I know… But things don’t have to be like this. We can try to work this out…” – he murmured with a frustrated frown. Alana held his gaze for the longest time, with a stoic expression on her beautiful face. He wished he could read her mind, but all he could read were her eyes. And they were telling him that it was the end for them.
“I’m sorry, Damien. It’s nothing personal.” – she simply said before walking away and out of his life.
Those words hurt like hell. It was better if she had said that things were personal.
That things wouldn’t work between them because they were both on different paths in their lives. Because they wanted different things. He would have understood that.
But she said that “it wasn’t personal”. Something that you would say to a simply co-worker. Not to your boyfriend. It felt like she had never considered him someone personal to her life. As if what happened between them meant nothing.
And that probably was true. Damien knew that Alana always prioritised herself and he knew that it was selfish of him wanting her to give up on her career for him. But he wanted her to at least not turn her back on him so easily and quickly. He wished she would at least try to understand him and support him. But she didn’t.
Damien had always been a cynical – this surely helped him to survive so much time inside NYPD and Interpol – but he was capable of showing empathy and compassion towards people. Alana, on the other hand, just cared about herself. It was confirmed that Alana had never really cared about him or anyone else but her.
He wished that he could say that he didn’t suffer too much with the end of their relationship, but that would be a lie. And to make his heart even more cynical and skeptical, he started dealing with all those cases of cheating, unfaithful marriages as a private investigator. He saw love at every stage. In all of its ugly glory, and its hopeful, wide-eyed naivete. He had his own experience as an example. How could he think about ever falling in love again?
He had to play it smart; he couldn’t let emotions get the better of him. Through all the ups and downs, there had to be one constant.
…And then, Nadia contacted him to help her. And he met Allen. He was caring, even a little naive. He was so much easier to relate to than Alana; he was almost the complete opposite of her. Damien thought, he felt that Allen was that constant that he needed.
But then, Allen met Hayden. And all that thing happened with Eros. And Alana actually helped them bring that sick corporation down. But it all happened two years ago. Alana had vanished again, and Allen chose somebody else. And Damien came back to that brooding and moping around state.
Would he ever learn?
“Okay, I’m back!” – he got his mind snapped out of his memories of Beitan, NYPD and Interpol, Alana, Allen, of that long time ago, when he heard Eleanor’s voice next to him. She was back from the restroom. Damien wondered if she brushing her body against his was by accident or not, when she went to sit back on the stool next to him. – “Where were we?”
And at that moment, seeing Ellie’s beautiful face, grinning at him, her eyes looking for his, wanting to actually get to know him, something clicked inside Damien Nazario’s head.
Maybe… Maybe it was time to change. Time to forget, to stop regretting everything. Time to stop brooding and moping around. Time to let his regrets go. To let Allen and Alana go. It wasn’t going to be easy, but he had to try. It was time to leave the past behind and look into his future.
…And who knows, maybe his future was right next to him?
Forget
Ain’t no time for regret
I’m gonna leave the past behind
I’ve had enough, I’m breaking through
No pressing stop, erase, rewind
That chain of thought that followed me…