If I Were A Man (D&D, Miss Parsons x MC)

Set in the first chapters of Desire and Decorum (approximately before the first trip to London), it focuses on Miss Parsons discovering her feelings towards MC (Elizabeth). Annabelle reads one of my favorite Shakespearean cross-dressing comedy, Twelfth Night, and the fate of the heroine made her mind wander: is it just friendly affection what she feels for Elizabeth? Things would probably be so much easier if only she was a man…

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The rain kept tumbling down and tiny rivers of water were running down the windows of the Parsons’ mansion. Annabelle checked the weather and frowned: no way to get outside unless you enjoy being soaked to the skin. She exhaled loudly and went back to pacing up and down the room. She was unusually relentless today: she’d slept badly that night yet she couldn’t manage to rest that morning

She missed her new friend, the heir of Edgewater, greatly. “I wish I could just fly to you and land at your door. Who knows if one day we mortals will be able to do that. I should remind myself to ask what you think about that when I see you again.”

Since they met, Annabelle’s life suddenly appeared dull, empty without Elizabeth around. Miss Parsons always felt that her life was rather dull: little meaning, little purpose, hideous chat at lunch with her parents who always found a way to remind her she was a spinster and needed to stop grieving “that poor boy” and find a good match, boring sewing meetings with ladies who only cared about gossip and gushing over their fiancées. A normal life, maybe, but Annabelle couldn’t find happiness in that routine. She used to paint and play the piano to flee from boredom, but, after practicing with Elizabeth, she discovered that they weren’t as much as appealing without a partner to share them with. Without Elizabeth. Her mind kept going back to her somehow. “What’s going on with me?”, Annabelle whispered to herself, even though, deep inside her, she knew the answer.

The only thing that gave her solace that day was reading. Her library couldn’t match the one at Edgewater. As she picked a book, she smiled weakly to herself, remembering the advice the Earl once gave her. She was very quiet that day so he squeezed her hand reassuringly and said: “whenever you feel lonely, write to a friend or read a book, they’re a surprisingly good company in times of need”.

The book she chose was Twelfth Night, a comedy by Shakespeare. Something new for a girl who devoured philosophy and politics book. She sat on the window seat and read it in no time. She caught herself laughing and thinking: I should give Elizabeth my copy, I’ll bring it with me when I visit, I’m sure she will love it too. This way she will have something that reminds her of me and hopefully will never feel lonely.

The protagonist was a fierce young woman named Viola, who shipwrecked on a foreign land. In order to be safe, she dressed up as a man and became the attendant of an obnoxious Lord, who sent her as a love messenger to lady Olivia, the woman he was courting with poor luck. However, the lady got charmed by Viola’s attire and snarky but also sweet words and madly fell in love with the heroine.
When Viola realized what her disguise had triggered, she felt sorry for Olivia. She commented sadly “Poor lady, she were better love a dream” “as the world is not made for a woman wooing another woman, loving another lady”, Annabelle commented sadly.

She closed the book and turned to the window. Those words

“Fair Elizabeth, I’m afraid I already love a dream. You are that dream. My daydream if you wish. I’m afraid I cannot imagine my life without you, but who would understand it? Not even you, perchance and I, “poor monster” just like the fair Viola, mistook your kindness for signs of deeper affection. The kind of affection I foolishly long to. No, I suspect – or better hope with every fiber of my being- that you feel the same way towards me. Is that what you were trying to say at the duck pond? Maybe it’s just a dream, but a young lady is allowed to dream, right?“, a bittersweet smile formed on her lips before she continued.

“Oh Lizzie, sometimes I wish I was a man. Like Mr. Sinclaire or Prince Hamid. I wish I could dress up in manly clothes too and woo your grace out in the sun. No need for stares at the opposite sides of the room or to check if no one is around to say something more intimate or place a soft kiss on your wrist. I could walk into the room with you at my arm and we would dance until we both can barely stand without caring if everyone is staring at us. I mean I don’t say I cared, but not worrying about that oh what a nice feeling it must be!

If I were a man, I could ask your hand and your family would consider me a good match, well hopefully at least. The Dowager Countess would look at me the same way she looks at Mr. Sinclaire, not just as a…most exquisite sewing companion or a chaperone for her granddaughter. She would look at me as someone who could actually win that pure yet fierce heart of yours and be worthy to take care of it until the end of time. If I were a man, I could whisper to you “I love you” without causing a scandal…oh, I could kneel in front of you, take your hand into mine and say out loud that I want to spend my life with you, Elizabeth Bennet, heir of Edgewater, most wondrous woman. Would you make me the happiest woman and marry me? If you, as I suspect and hope, say yes, I would kiss your lips. Oh the mere thought of it, brushing your lips against mine, Elizabeth! It sets my heart on fire! When the time comes, we would kiss again in front of everyone at the altar and no one would ever turn their head disgusted or hiss that it’s inappropriate. What’s inappropriate about love? Because I do love you, Lizzie, and the intensity of the feelings I already have for you scares me. They speak of desire, not of the decorum required to any young lady, especially an heir like you. And I don’t want to damage you, Lizzie”.

Miss Parsons stood and put the book back into the family wooden library, sighing deeply.

“If I were a man, I could be your man, my love. But this woman’s heart will always be yours, no matter what”.