Insomnia (PM, a Dames fanfic)

Since I’m still not over poor sweet beanie Dames’s heartbreaking sacrifice, I wrote down a fanfic about his last night. I’ve tried to convey how he felt, his sadness and his pain, how he cares for his newly founded friends but also his final acceptance of his destiny. Better, how he came to that resolution (’cause I doubt it was a last-minute decision, even though he probably hoped to make it out there alive 😭).

Hope you guys like it!

_________________

They were all sleeping in their hotel rooms. Only one light was still on, fighting the dark of their first Tokyo night. The night before the rescue. Dames couldn’t sleep: he felt like a knight on a battle’s eve, like a soldier about to leave on a mission. Some adrenaline-like feeling was pumping in his circuits, keeping him on alert. No, sleeping was impossible.

He took off his tie and toss it away nervously. He kept pacing up and down the living room, unable to pause and rest. His hands pushed into his pockets, he couldn’t process all the feelings that were waltzing inside him. He could feel his head throbbing as if I were real – he snorted – but I’m not real, I’m not fucking human! He unbuttoned his shirt in frustration and pressed on his left side. A section of his chest opened and he began fiddling with some glowing electric wires.

Oh c’mon, robots can be fixed so fix yourself! He mentally ordered to himself, as he stopped in front of the window. On the other side, the city lights shining brightly in the dark of the Tokyo night. After a couple of attempts to fix himself, he gave up. I can’t even fix myself, I’m useless, I’m-

He got stuck looking at the city lights in awe. He couldn’t find words to describe it, but that sight gave him…joy? All of a sudden, he wasn’t in that hotel room anymore, but it was cold, it was snowing and the lights of some festive decorations were shining around him. Was it happiness blooming somewhere inside him? A foreign yet familiar happiness. Something he knew but couldn’t grasp. He shook his head and snapped out of it. They must have triggered a memory. But I know nothing more…this is Damien, not me. Whatever “me” means. He sighed loudly.

The whole thing was exhausting: since he left the Eros facility, he kept feeling depressed and frustrated. Detached, but, at the same time, present. Himself and someone else. It was slowly but inexorably wearing on him. So this what being brought to life means, huh? he thought, smiling grimly, as he let his eyes take in the city landscape. Deep inside he was jealous of his friends. They were struggling, no doubt, but you can see that they know how to be alive. How to live without glitching because you have a goddamn card planted in his brain with memories and feelings of another person! Even Hayden and Steve seem to be okay by now. He was not.

Everyone was kind to him, even Alana (surprisingly). But Jordan kept calling him “Damien”, they all talked about Damien Nazario every single day, everyone was so worried because they cared so much for Damien. Damien is their friend, he means the world to them. They need Damien…not Dames. Dames is just an unwanted replacement. That thought hurt. Nobody ever said so, they were friendly and caring, but he was just a double, a copy. I…I don’t belong here. I care so much for them as much as Damien does because his feelings are my feelings but this is messed up. He took a seat on the couch and grabbed his head. But I can’t leave them now, things gonna get rough later and fuck, there must be something I can do for-

He paused and a weak smile appeared on his face as he slowly lifted his head again. Yes, there was still something he could fix after all. Even if it comes with the highest price.

Dames suddenly knew what he was gonna do. “I owe them”, he whispered softly, as a tear rolled down his cheek.

Protect them at all cost.