The following is a short story for the original character Ryan Hawkins from @maxattack-powell adaptation of The Freshman and my story Cherryfield High. The story contains the character Chris Powell from Choices The Freshman. The following events take place during the adaptation of The Freshman.
Disclaimer: This is a fictional adaptation. I do not work for Pixelberry Studios, the game developer or own the rights to the characters Chris Powell or Logan. All other events and characters are original creations.
Contains strong language and mature situations and content. Please be advised.
Life of Ryan
August 2
The glow of the camp fire flickers like a flame on a candle in the distance. The sun is beginning its decent and Ryan wants to grab a few more shots before night fall. He can faintly make out the voices and laughs of Ethan and Chris, slightly muted by the space between them. He has ventured out but not too far from their campsite, the Nikon camera his mother gave him for his 15th birthday carefully gripped in his hands as he steps over boulders and moves around the forest brush.
It is their last night of a three day adventure to Lamoine State Park. This is the first year the three have stayed at this particular park, the appeal of their free showers and flushing toilets near the camping areas too good to resist after years of staying in remote places like the Tunk Stream Campsite.
“I’m not shittin’ in the woods anymore,” Ryan declared as they discussed the details of their last hoorah before each of them headed to college to begin fall camp for football.
“You act like you never have before,” Chris retorted.
“Yeah, too good for it all of a sudden?” Ethan teased.
“No…it’s just….I didn’t tell you guys but the last time we went camping, I crouched over some poison oak….That’s why I wanted to get back home in such a hurry.”
Ethan and Chris winced and let out simultaneous “ow’s.”
“Yeah, so…when I got home my butt itched for four days straight. My mom put that pink lotion stuff on it. When I was like two, that was one thing but…at 17 pretty damn embarrassing having your mom rub cream on your ass,” Ryan admitted sending Chris and Ethan into a fit of laughter.
It was settled then that Lamoine State Park was the place. Ryan was happy the choice had been made, not only for the conveniences of modern plumbing, but because of the photographic scenery the new location offered. He had taken hundreds of photos at other campsites and on hiking trips through the woods of Maine, but the view of the ocean and the coast at LSP was one of the most beautiful he had seen. Capturing the scenery through the lens of his camera was the type of artistic opportunity Ryan craved.
His love of photography was no secret amongst his two best friends. Chris and Ethan both had photos Ryan had taken on some of their previous trips hanging up in their rooms. Lisa, his mother, had decorated their home with some of his best snaps and a few were even framed and up on the walls at her employer Dr. Price’s practice. A few of them would make the trip to college with them as well. Ryan had an eye and a natural ability that might surprise those who only knew the dancing running back for the Cherryfield High Clippers. There was something about pausing to look at nature through his camera that calmed him. He loved hikes and as much as he loved his time with Chris and Ethan, moments like this to take in the sights all on his own were cherished.
There is a pang of sadness as he realizes however the moments on his own will become far more common over the next few months.
Ryan is headed to the University of Louisville, Chris to Hartfeld University and Ethan to Boston College. As fate would have it, Chris and Ethan would be just a 45 minute drive away from each other but Ryan was headed to the midwest, an almost 14-hour drive away from Massachusetts.
He would have no choice but to fly home when he was able to and Lisa would only be able to foot the bill for a roundtrip plane ticket when Ryan would be able to stay at home for extended periods like Winter Break. For the first time in his life, Ryan Hawkins would be away from Cherryfield, Maine for almost four straight months without seeing his mother and best friends face to face during that time.
He kneels down to get a photo a tiny stream, cutting through mossy green rocks and creating a small waterfall. He looks up at the sky and realizes it’s growing close to dark and he turns and makes his way back to where he can see the fire again.
Ethan is standing over the campsite grill, flipping over the burger patties. Chris sits in a foldout lawn chair next to the fire.
“Get some good stuff?” Chris asks as he sees Ryan approach.
“I think so,” Ryan says casually.
The sizzle of meat on the grill and the crackle of the fire provide a soundtrack as the insects and reptiles of the woods come to life and begin to buzz and croak as night falls. A summer breeze is blowing the smoke from the grill out towards their tents. Ryan’s Bronco is parked just behind the camping area.
Chris looks out at the ocean just yards away and takes a deep breath. The sky overhead is purple.
“Man, I’m gonna miss this view. The coast, the ocean, the trees,” Chris sighs, slouching in the chair and resting his head against the back of it as he looks up.
“You and me both. I’m headed to Kentucky…no ocean for thousands of miles,” Ryan says taking a seat on a log that is serving as a bench. “But for real, I’m just happy to have an opportunity to play college ball.”
“Same,” Ethan says from the grill.
Chris licks his lips, exhaling. “I almost screwed that up for you guys. By not playing the night the recruiters were there…If I had been out there then….” He shakes his head. “I’m sorry.”
“Stop blaming yourself,” Ethan says flipping a pattie. “It worked out. Coach had Aaron handoff a million times and we got the stats and the scholarship offers, we’re good. Don’t keep doing that to yourself.”
“It’s cool man, we’re going to college and playing ball and that still wouldn’t be happening if all three of us hadn’t been playing together the last few years,” Ryan says. He stands and grabs a soda from the cooler and flips the top back on it.
“Yeah…” Chris says in a hush.
Ryan takes his seat back down on the log and quietly reflects on their senior year, staring out at the water and watching the foaming white caps as the tide rolls.
“I’m going to miss you guys,” he says before taking a swig of soda.
“Me too,” Ethan and Chris say in unison.
***
It is barely dawn of the next morning and Ryan is the first to stir. He quietly puts on his shoes and slowly unzips his tent, trying to keep the whirling sound down to not disturb his friends.
He doesn’t know exactly what time they turned in last night but it was late. They stayed up laughing and reliving moments from high school, talking as well about their expectations for college. Ryan was restless. He didn’t want the night with his pals to end and when it was time to sleep, his mind raced with anxious thoughts about the weeks ahead without them. He didn’t sleep much, maybe a half an hour over the course of the four. A blast of chilly air hits him as the flap from his tent drops, reminding him that even in August, in Maine the mornings are still cool. He is shirtless, having just slept in his shorts and turns and grabs his blanket from over his sleeping bag. Wrapping it around himself, he walks down the hill and out to a small pier at the edge of the water.
He looks around him, the mountainous terrain of the coast, the salty vast ocean around him and instead of taking a picture with his camera, he tries to capture the moment with his mind. He wants to remember everything about it: the sight, the sound, the feel of the wind on his skin. This is home and in two days, he will leave home.
He is lost in thought when he hears the sound of feet hitting the wooden planks behind him. He turns and looks over his shoulder. Chris is walking towards him. Ryan does not greet him and Chris does not utter a word. He simply stands next to his friend, taking the same mental photograph.
The seconds turn into minutes, each still silent.
“Guess we should make some breakfast before we head out,” Ryan finally says after quite some time.
“Yeah,” Chris nods solemnly. They both turn to walk away but each pauses and looks back at the ocean before returning to camp.
Ethan steps out of his tent and rubs the sleep from his eyes.
“Hey, I got an idea,” Ryan says. He steps into his tent and rummages around for a minute. He slides on a shirt and steps back out, camera in his hand.
“One more,” he says to Ethan and Chris. Ethan runs a hand over his hair, smoothing it out and the three stand with their backs to the ocean. Ryan extends his arm as they stand together, snapping a photo of himself with his two brothers.
August 5
Ryan walks up the hallway of Bettie Johnson Hall on the Louisville campus reading the numbers on the doors as they rise until finally he stands in front of 335. He takes the brand new key the RA gave him at check-in and slides it into the lock. He wipes at his forehead, beads of sweat on his skin from trudging across campus in the heat and hoisting his bags up three flights of stairs.
He opens the door to the two bedroom apartment-style dorm and drags his three overstuffed bags inside. He and Lisa had already checked out the residence hall on his orientation visit in July and the living space had earned his mother’s approval. A fairly new facility, it had a kitchen area with stainless steel appliances and granite counter tops, a shared space furnished with a couch, television and stand and a few chairs as well.
Lisa had all of Ryan’s personal effects that he could not pack and take on the plane like a lamp, bed sheets, pillows and a comforter shipped to the dorm before his arrival.
As he stands and studies his surroundings for the school year, the door to one of the rooms swings open.
A tall young man with deep olive skin and buzzed cut black hair steps out. He has a strong jawline and high cheekbones, and deep brown eyes.
“You Ryan?” he asks with a smile. Ryan detects the hint of a southern twang in the brief words he speaks.
“Yeah, Trevor?” Ryan asks extending his hand. They shake.
“Yeah sorry I was in there unpacking. Looks like my suitcase exploded,” Trevor smiles. “I shut the door ‘cause I didn’t want you walking in thinking I was that guy already.”
Ryan laughs. “It’s cool.”
“I took the room here on the left, hope you don’t mind. View is about the same,” Trevor explains.
“Ah, no worries,” Ryan nods. “When did you get here?”
“Late last night, drove in from Tennessee, I’m from Chattanooga,” he explains. “I was so tired, my mom put sheets on the bed and my folks bounced. I crashed. Didn’t start unpacking till now. You’re from…?”
“Maine,” Ryan says and nods. “Small little town, Cherryfield.”
“That’s a long ways from Louisville,” Trevor lifts his eyebrows. “Dan the RA, that’s his name by the way, Dan the RA,” Trevor says and Ryan laughs, “he said you play football?”
“Yeah,” Ryan nods and grins. “You play ball?”
“Basketball,” Trevor nods.
“Sweet deal man. I played in high school, too: football, basketball and track. Signed here for football though but any time you want to hit the court I’m down,” Ryan smiles. Some of the anxiety about the next few months begins to fade. Trevor seems like a good dude.
“I was nervous about this whole roommate deal and going potluck, but,” Trevor nods, “I think this is gonna be alright.”
“Me too….” Ryan nods in return.
“Alright well, I’m going to try and find what bag I put my underwear in unless I want to go commando the rest of the week,” Trevor jokes and Ryan laughs.
“Yeah, I better start getting to it too.”
“Oh, there were some boxes in the shared space with your name on them. I put them in your room for you!” Trevor snaps his fingers as he remembers.
Ryan smiles. “Thanks.” Trevor heads back to his room and Ryan opens the door to his. A twin bed with a faux oak finished headboard and footboard is against one wall. A desk and a curved white chair are underneath a window. There is a book case on the wall opposite of the bed. These are the only furnishings in the room. The door to his own private bathroom is open.
Ryan walks over to the window and looks out. From his window he can see the top of Cardinal Stadium and the lights towering over it. There are rows of impressive architecture on the old campus. To his left he can see an area with trees and grass and there are some students already sitting on blankets in the space.
Ryan takes a deep breath. This is home for the next nine months.
August 9
The Cardinals equipment manager issued Ryan his pads, helmet, one black and one red practice jersey, along with two pairs of football pants. He also took two pairs of cleats, size 11, and headed to the locker with his name on it. He smiled a little seeing his name in the Cardinals red and black colors. There was a brief team meeting and Ryan talked to the guys who took lockers directly next to his, but for the most part, they are still getting to know the entire team.
It’s the first day of practice and Ryan silently thanks the boosters and athletic donors that helped to construct the indoor practice facility the Cardinals utilize. The heat outside is sweltering. It’s 89 degrees but to Ryan it might as well be a thousand. Back home it would be in the low 70’s right about now, feeling cooler with the ocean breeze. Homehe thinks. He was sweating bullets just walking from his dorm to the field house.
Ryan is ready to go. He watches the offensive starters take reps and waits impatiently on the sideline. He is not used to watching and waiting like this. He was one of the leaders of the team at Cherryfield High, a star. But Ryan was given an academic redshirt for his freshman year at Louisville. He had pulled together a solid academic effort at CHS in his final year, even pulling off a B in physics. Still, his freshman, sophomore and junior years he had done the bare minimum to maintain his eligibility. Louisville held their student athletes to a high standard and before they were willing to let Ryan Hawkins suit up and represent the Cardinals in a game, he had to prove he had the discipline to maintain his grades in college first.
With an academic redshirt, a player is allowed to practice but not to compete. Ryan will also not be able to travel with the team for games either. It’s difficult to stay motivated knowing that he won’t face an opponent this season but he reminds himself he has one shot to prove himself or else his scholarship and opportunity are gone. He’s bright and can do the work. He just needs to show the school administration what he is capable of.
It’s even more difficult spending most of practice standing stationary.
When Coach Smith finally gathers the running backs together for the last 10 minutes of practice to run drills, the action is all too brief for Ryan.
The team huddles up and breaks and Ryan jogs back to the field house. He changes out of his pads but slides on his workout gear.
“Hawkins where you headed?” Lamar Phillips, a freshman offensive lineman seated next to him asks.
“Weight room,” Ryan says lacing his sneakers and standing. “I sweated more walking over here than I did during practice.”
August 19
Trevor parks his Mazda two streets over. He and Ryan round the block, trailing behind dozens of other partygoers migrating to the small house off campus. They could hear the thump of bass and loud music even from the spot where they parked.
A few guys on the football and basketball team had heard about the big soiree and text an invite to the two freshmen to attend. Though he was all business out on the practice field, in the locker room it didn’t take the other players long to pick up on the humor and antics of Ryan Hawkins. In trying to make friends, he did what he knew how to do best: turned up the charm and made them laugh.
A group of girls in low cut tops, tiny shorts, and skirts that could pass for doilies waltz in front of him and Trevor teetering already on wedged heels as they cross the front yard and move to the back of the house. Ryan smiles at the vast flesh on display around him. It is two nights before the start of classes and this is his very first college party.
They walk through an opened gate into a fenced in backyard where it is already shoulder to shoulder.
As the tall, attractive basketball player and his raven-haired, crystal blue-eyed roommate move through the crowd, the girls quickly take notice. Ryan flashes a smile at a few and a group of girls leaning against a wall, red Solo cups in each of their hands points at him, giggling and smiling.
“This is nuts!” Trevor shouts over the music at him.
“I know, right?” Ryan says looking around, grinning from ear to ear.
They move towards the patio where a group has formed a circle around a table. There is a block of ice with the center chipped out making a ravine. A girl has her mouth clamped to the end of the ice while a guy pours grey goose into the center and it flows down to her mouth. She takes several large chugs from it before waving her hand at him. He lifts the bottle and stops pouring. She stands up and those in the circle cheer as she wipes her mouth on the back of her hand and lifts her arms in victory.
Ryan and Trevor push towards the front of the circle to get a better look.
“Who’s next?” The girl asks.
Those in the circle glance around at each other but no one steps up.
“Oh come on!” She shouts scanning the crowd. Her eyes pass over Ryan and she keeps looking but quickly whips her head back.
“You!” She says pointing at him.
“Me?” he points to himself with an eyebrow raised.
“Yeah! Come here!” she says and runs up to him. She grabs his hand before he can react and pulls him towards the table. Trevor laughs.
Ryan smiles as she puts her hands on her hips, smiling devilishly.
“You got a choice….either the block…or body shots….So, what’s it going to be, uh-“
“Ryan,” he says and nods with a smirk.
“Ryan…ice or body shots?”
He lifts the corner of his lips as he responds. “Body shots.”
There are some cheers and applause. Trevor shakes his head and continues to laugh.
“Okay then,” the girl steps closer to him, leaning forward, her face inches from his. “Shirt off.” She smiles and steps back after making her demand.
“Wait, what?” He frowns surprised.
“I never said who was doing the shots to who,” she winked. “Pay attention to the details Ryan. I’m prelaw,” she winks.
He chuckles and sticks his tongue in his cheek glancing around. “I don’t know,” he says honestly reluctant. Ryan 18 months ago would have been all for it. But something in him began to change his senior year.
“Ryan…Ryan….Ryan!” The girl begins to chant and slap her thighs in rhythm looking around the circle. The group begins to chime in with her until everyone, including Trevor, is chanting his name.
He chuckles again and shakes his head. “Alright fine, damn,” he gives in. He reaches down and grabs the bottom of his t-shirt and pulls it up over his head revealing rows of abs, defined pecs and biceps. The girls in the crowd let out some catcalls and whistles and others loitering nearby come in to get a look.
“Oh my god,” the girl says looking at him, pleased with her selection. “Ryan where are you from and are there others like you there?” she asks and the group explodes with laughter and cheers.
“Cherryfield, Maine,” he says proudly.
“So it’s settled!” She spins and announces. “I’m moving to Maine!”
Ryan and the others laugh. He looks at Trevor who is all smiles and shrugs at him.
“Alright Ryan from Maine, you ready?” She asks turning to face him and leans and whispers in his ear. “ ‘Cause I am.”
He smirks at her and nods. She grabs the bottle of Grey Goose off the table and pours it into a shot glass. She grabs a lemon slice from a bowl and a small shaker of salt. Approaching Ryan with a feline grin, she squirts a little of the lemon juice on one side of his neck and sprinkles salt over his shoulder. She looks into his eyes as she runs her tongue over his shoulder and up his neck. The crowd cheers and Ryan stands and basks in the insanity of the moment. She grabs the shot and downs it and before Ryan can react, she presses her mouth against his, passing along part of the drink as she kisses him. He flinches at first but when the crowd begins to hoot and holler, he deepens the kiss and she cups his face in her hands. She kisses him a bit longer to the delight of those watching and finally Ryan breaks free. Breathlessly she smiles back at him.
“What’s your name?” He asks her.
“Michelle,” she smiles.
***
Grasping his hair, her lips not breaking free from his, she kicks the door open to her bedroom with her foot, still gripping every part of him she can reach.
She is aggressive and Ryan is not used to this much eagerness from a girl but he finds himself enjoying it nonetheless.
He slides his arms around her waist and they continue to walk until the back of her knees hits the bed.
“Shirt off,” She says pulling away and lying back on the bed looking up at him. She quickly begins to unbutton her shorts.
Ryan does as she asks, pulling his shirt up over his head and tossing it to the floor. She pushes her shorts off, revealing the lace panties underneath and then pulls her tank top off. Naked from the waist up, she rises to her knees on the bed and her mouth is on his again as she reaches down and unbuttons his jeans. Ryan steps out of his sneakers as she undresses him in a hurry.
She falls back onto the bed, rolling over and reaching into her night stand. She pulls out a condom and holds it up. He nods and takes it from her, rolling it on quickly and poising himself on top of her. A loud moan escapes both of their mouths as he begins to move against her.
***
Ryan wakes the next morning and finds himself alone in a twin bed. It takes himself a moment to get his bearings. He looks down at the fuzzy pink comforter draped over his naked body and the room decorated in pink and green colors. He rubs his eyes and notes that a floral decorated M sits on top of a bookshelf and he is reminded of his companion from the night before.
The door swings open and in she walks, wearing a short robe that comes to her thighs.
“Hey,” she grins and closes the door.
“Hi,” he says and looks around awkwardly.
“You were passed out, I let you sleep,” she says and sits on the edge of the bed. He nods and a silence follows as they both look around the room trying to think of something to say.
“So last night was a lot of fun,” Michelle nods.
“Yeah, it was,” Ryan says but does not mean it. The sex was great of course but, there was something about it all that he found hollow. He couldn’t explain it to himself.
The awkward silence returns and Ryan sits up, pulling the comforter over his waist. “I should get going,” he says. She nods in agreement.
“Could I get your number at least?” Ryan says feeling obligated to do so.
“Sure,” she says with a smile. She reaches over and grabs her phone off the night stand. Ryan rattles off his number to her. “I sent you a text,” she says and Ryan’s phone chimes inside his jean pocket. “That’s me, so…if you want to hang out again sometime, I’d be up for it again,” she says casually.
Ryan nods and tries to control the surprise on his face. Usually moments like this were followed by his own vows to call or keep in touch, reassuring whoever he was with. He had not done that in a long time and in his current position, he didn’t feel Michelle would even care.
He reaches down on the floor and grabs his boxers.
“I’ll let you dress,” she says looking over his chest. “You’re fun Ryan,” she winks.
He smiles some and watches as she steps out of the room and closes the door. He lets out a loud exhale when she is out of the room, running his hand through his hair.
September
It’s been a month and a half of college life for Ryan and the reality of his new state of being has fully sunken in.
There is a restaurant on every corner in Louisville, countless movie theaters, shops and a mall and yet he finds himself bored with it all. He misses the quaintness of little Cherryfield with its two restaurants, one café and a boutique. He misses the coast and the trees. He misses Lisa’s cooking and the feel of his own bed.
He also misses the rush of representing the Cherryfield High Clippers on Friday nights. The crowd would cheer his name for much different reasons than crowds cheer for him lately. It’s usually for doing keg stands or winning at beer pong now. He misses the thrill of racing into the end zone and delivering his signature touchdown move “The Hawk Dance” with hundreds of others in the stands joining in.
Games for the football team began two weeks ago. The Cardinals first opened the season on the road against Purdue. Ryan tuned into the game with Trevor and a few other people who live on their floor and watched it in their living room. The second week was their first home game against UNC. Ethan had text that he tuned into watch the game broadcast on ESPN.
U see me prowling the sideline? Ryan text back.
You’ll be out there soon Ethan encouraged.
U 2 Ryan wrote back.
Ethan tore his ACL the second week of fall camp and had to have surgery to repair the injury. He was walking around Boston College in a cast and on crutches to begin the school year. He had shared his disappointment and frustration about the injury with both Ryan and Chris. There was quite a bit of promise and expectations for Ethan’s career, but it was on hold till next season.
The Cardinals are on the road again this Saturday and playing a night game against Clemson. Ryan sits down on the sofa by himself and flips through the channels until he finds the Hartfeld game. Trevor is at the weight room for some conditioning with the basketball team that will begin practicing in earnest next month.
He is appreciative of a little quiet and alone time. He and Trevor have bonded but the last few weeks have been a whirlwind. Adjusting to his class schedule, the hours of homework he has on top of football practice and conditioning, and parties every weekend have exhausted Ryan just weeks into the semester.
He’s also worried about his mom. Lisa and Ryan were as much best friends as they were mother and son. Since he was born, her life has revolved around taking care of him and providing for him. She had been incredible in her balance of letting him have space without smothering him but also finding unique ways they could bond. He never dreaded hanging out with his mom.
Now Lisa had an empty nest. When he spoke to her on the phone, still calling home every day, she sounded down and a little depressed. She was having just as hard a time of having him be away as he was to be away.
Lisa, a single, divorced mom, had not dated much once Ryan got into high school, choosing to focus on being there to support him in all of his athletic activities rather than finding love. She was on her own again and Ryan hated the thought of her sitting around, moping in their empty house.
Ryan tunes in for the Hartfeld game just in time to catch the start of the fourth quarter. The Knights are down 24-21.
Darren Love, a stud senior quarterback, is leading the Knights offense with just 1:03 left in the game. Ryan leans forward as he watches Love drop back. He reacts instantly. He sees the blitz coming but Love is unaware as he looks down field for his receiver.
Love is sacked hard and his feet leave the ground for a minute before he lands awkwardly and a defensive tackle for the Knights opponent lands on top of him.
As the players rise to their feet, Love is still down writhing on the field, clutching at his ankle. Ryan sits up straight as he realizes.
“Oh shit! Chris!” he exclaims.
The trainers and coaches help Love off the field and he rides in a cart to the locker room, wincing in pain as the TV cameras follow.
“Next up for the Knights will be Chris Powell, a true freshman out of Cherryfield, Maine,” the play-by-play analyst announces.
“Yeah!” Ryan throws his hands up and cheers. “Let’s go baby! All you Chris!” he slaps the cushion on the sofa and claps his hands happily. He stands and begins to pace, feeling excited and anxious.
“Powell led his high school team to the state championship last season,” the commentator continues.
“You’re damn right he did!” Ryan shouts.
The camera zooms in on Chris throwing the ball a few times over on the sideline to warm up his arm before he jogs out to the huddle. There is a quick cutaway of a few people in the stands, guys and girls, all shirtless with C-H-R-I-S scrawled on their stomachs. Ryan raises an eyebrow wondering who the fan club is.
Chris claps his hands and the huddle breaks. He lines up in the shotgun and stomps his foot before clapping his hand.
“You got it Chris,” Ryan says out loud. He watches as Chris trots back and steps out of a tackle just as Ryan has seen him do hundreds of times before. Chris looks down field and launches the ball 54 yards into the hands of Logan Juhn. Juhn carries it across the goal line and Hartfeld University and one very excited best friend in Kentucky explode into cheers.
“YEAH!” Ryan shouts and jumps up. He smiles joyfully as he watches Chris run to the endzone and hug Logan. The camera stays on the victorious young quarterback as the announcers recap the game winning play.
“The Hartfeld Knights lose their starting quarterback but it looks like they have a new star in Chris Powell,” the analyst says.
Ryan smiles, but there is a tug at his heart. He would give anything to be on the field celebrating with Chris in that moment.
October
The blonde straddling his waist is bouncing wildly and screaming repeatedly. Ryan looks up at her, gripping her hips in his hand as she tosses her head back.
“You’ve got to keep it down, my roommate is home,” he pants.
“I don’t care who hears,” she says and leans over, kissing him hard.
Ryan can think of only one way to deal with her noise. He sits up, sliding his arm around her waist and flips her onto her back. He puts a hand gently over her mouth and whispers “shhh” into her ear.
He looks into her eyes and she nods, moaning under his hand, as he gives a few final thrusts, before grunting and pressing his forehead on the pillow beside her head.
“Wow,” she groans and throws an arm over her eyes. “You are so good,” she gives an exhausted sigh.
Ryan says nothing but rolls over and stares up at the ceiling. He runs a hand over his face before he sits up and heads to his bathroom, tossing away the protection he used. He grabs his boxers from off the floor and walks back to the bed sitting down but not facing her. He rests his elbows on his knees and stares at the floor.
“I’m gonna get going, ‘kay?” She says standing up and sliding on her underwear, fastening her bra behind her back.
“Okay,” he says barely above a whisper. She finishes getting dressed, sliding into her heels. She leans over the bed, putting her hands on the mattress, and kisses his cheek.
“Bye Ryan,” she says with a smile and leaves his bedroom, closing the door. He waits for the sound of the front door closing before he gets up, walking out to lock the door behind her.
He opens the refrigerator and grabs a bottled water, taking a long cooling drink as he loses himself in thought.
The door to Trevor’s room swings open and he looks in the kitchen at the shirtless Ryan, clad only in his boxers. Trevor laughs.
“Dude! Who was that?”
Ryan gives a heavy sigh. He leans against the counter. “The thing is…I don’t remember her name.”
“You are iconic,” Trevor nods. “You truly are a sexual superhero to me,” he grins.
Ryan gives a half-hearted smirk. “I feel bad about it….”
“Whoever she was, she was loud!” Trevor laughs. “She was um, agreeing with a lot of things you did.”
Ryan shakes his head and chuckles. “Yeah, I guess she did. Hey man, I’m gonna go shower,” Ryan says padding barefoot back to his room.
“You need to write a book someday,” Trevor says to Ryan as he closes his door.
Ryan leans his forehead against the closed door, pressing his forearm to it as he holds the knob. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes.
He’s not sure when or where he reverted back to the old Ryan but it has happened. His physical encounters were fun for a while but slowly the conquests became empty and meaningless. He didn’t even take physical pleasure in it anymore. It felt much more like a way to fill time.
He pushes back from the door and heads to the bathroom, turning on the shower. He drops his boxers and steps under the warm water, letting it cascade down over his head and shoulders.
He has met a number of Kentucky girls and some from surrounding states in his brief time on campus and at parties. The interactions are superficial.
Ryan has now experienced something deeper, something real. He knows what it feels like to truly connect with a girl and now that he has had a taste of that realness, nothing else is satisfying.
He grabs the soap and lathers, running his hands over his body as he cleans himself. He really wishes he could remember the name of the girl who had just been in his bed. He shampoos his hair and rinses it before turning off the water and wrapping a towel around his waist, stepping out of the shower and pulling the door closed.
He wipes off the mirror and stares at himself. He exhales and turns away from his reflection.
October 31
The Theta Kappa Alpha sorority at Louisville is known for one epic party each and every year: The Halloween Bash.
Ryan had actually tried to back out of attending, telling Trevor he had an assignment he needed to work on. It was not entirely a lie. He did have school work he needed to take care of but it was not due for another week.
Trevor managed to coerce Ryan into going, Ryan mostly agreeing in order to stop Trevor’s pleas. They had an invite to the TKA party Trevor kept saying. It wasn’t just open to anyone and the girls there would be some of the hottest on campus. As Trevor described the beauty of the girls that would attend, Ryan’s mind drifted to a set of gray eyes and also a set of warm green eyes shielded behind a pair of glasses.
“Alright,” Ryan caved.
They visited a thrift store near campus and found the perfect pieces for a costume.
Ryan found an old leather aviator jacket and picked up a cheap pair of aviator shades from a convenience store. He slicked his black hair with gel and stepped into the TKA sorority house as Maverick from Top Gun. Trevor had found a long pair of dark coveralls and glued a few random patches he also found at the thrift store onto it, also dawning aviator shades as Goose.
They enter the sorority house and Halloween decorations like bats and spider webs are suspended from the ceiling. A strobe light bounces different colors off the walls and there are some giant fake spiders strategically placed throughout the house. The music is so loud their bodies vibrate with each beat and drop of the bass.
“I love Halloween,” Trevor yells as a girl wearing a short, white doctors coat, a garter and thigh-high stockings prances by them in heels.
Ryan follows her with his eyes but says nothing.
“I see some of my boys from the team, gonna say hey, I’ll be back,” Trevor says bending down so Ryan can hear.
Ryan nods and makes his way through the partygoers and heads to a punch bowl. A girl dressed as a sexy maid grabs a ladle and puts a mysterious red punch in a cup for him.
“Here you go,” she smiles at him.
“Thanks,” Ryan says. He lifts the cup in salute to her and turns away. She frowns slightly, a little disappointed but shrugs it off.
Ryan takes a sip from his cup. He spots a few people he knows, nodding his head at them but he keeps moving. He finds a place in the corner where a few people are seated. He leans against the wall and silently drinks from his cup, watching the scene around him but feeling no inclination to join in the activities.
“Hi,” a girl with rainbow colored hair says sliding against the wall and standing beside him.
“What’s up?” Ryan says disinterested. He presses his lips to his cup and drinks again.
“You’re Ryan Hawkins, aren’t you?” She smiles.
He turns and looks at her, surprised by the question. “Uh, yeah. Why?”
“Oh, nothing. I was on the stairs earlier, saw you come in. I’m a Theta and live here. I’ve heard some of the girls talk about you that’s all,” she smiles and puts her hands behind her back. She pokes her chest out slightly towards him as she eyes him up and down, not trying to hide the action.
“And what things do the girls here talk about when they mention me?”
“That you’re totally hot,” she smirks. “And that you um, you know how to give a good time.”
Ryan looks at her and her smile widens like the Cheshire Cat.
He sucks at his teeth and sighs. “Oh…well, must have me mixed up with another Ryan Hawkins,” he lifts his cup at her. “Have a good night,” he says as he walks away. Her mouth falls open and she lets out an irritated “ugh” before turning her nose up and storming away.
Ryan shakes his head and walks through the house looking for Trevor. It takes several minutes before he is finally able to locate him in the party chaos but when he does, Trevor is talking to a girl dressed like Ariel from the Little Mermaid. Ryan keeps his distance and watches from the other side of the room. Trevor looks completely enamored. The girl stays close to him and they continue to talk. Time ticks by slowly and he finally throws in the towel, turning and heading towards the front door to leave.
November
He leaves the field house and heads directly to the campus dining hall nearest to his dorm. There is an area to grab meals to go and Ryan places an order, swipes his student ID card and takes the brown bag, heading back to his room. He would rather eat in the quiet of his dorm rather than in the cafeteria.
A few of the guys from the football team had offered for him to join them for dinner but he declined. He does not feel like a part of the team. Each time he steps out on the practice field and into the weight room, Ryan feels like he is just a guy there training to be a football player but not an actual football player. He is not contributing and although he thought he could handle the academic redshirt for one year, he needs the adrenaline rush of playing in a game, of pushing his body to the extreme for the ultimate goal of winning.
Seeing Chris start for the Knights in recent weeks reminds him of how badly he misses his friends and competition.
The dorm is still as he opens the door. This is no longer a surprise to him. Princess Ariel that Trevor met at the TKA Halloween Bash turned out to be a girl named Candace from Lexington, Kentucky. Since Trevor met Candace he is at her side when he has free time. Basketball season is also underway for the Cardinals and the rest of his time is occupied by practice and tournaments before heading into the regular season.
Trevor and Ryan bonded and then suddenly, Trevor was gone.
Ryan pulls out a stool at the kitchen bar and opens his dinner. It’s a roast beef sandwich, with a cup of fruit and some zucchini fries. Even though he isn’t playing, Ryan continues to keep track of his nutrition and strength and conditioning to be ready to go next season. His grades have been good so far, nothing less than a C and that was on only one exam for his impossible to understand business math class.
He takes a bite of the hot sandwich and chews, a fleeting gratification coming to his lips from the taste.
Thanksgiving is next week and he will not be able to go home. With Winter Break just around the corner, Lisa could not pay for a flight home now and then another in just three weeks.
So Ryan will stay on the Louisville campus for the holiday. It’s the first time he has never spent Thanksgiving with his mother and grandparents.
Trevor will be playing in a tournament in Florida. Ryan grabbed a flier he saw outside of his Biology 101 class that advertised Thanksgiving meals for students stuck at campus. It was something at least.
He chews feeling the heavy sadness in him again. He does not like this feeling that seems to drain him of energy and motivation. He does not want to socialize these days. The last event he went to was the Halloween party and he had walked out of it. There have been no more parties and no more girls for Ryan as of late.
He pulls out his phone and sends a text to Ethan. A message from his level-headed friend always seems to help.
What r u up 2 Ryan sends.
A minute later his phone pings. Hanging with Steph, you?
Ryan stares at his phone. Steph again, he thinks to himself. Ethan had been going on and on lately about a girl he had met not long after stepping onto the Boston College campus. Apparently things were serious enough now that Ethan had begun to refer to her as his girlfriend.
Ryan stares at the text, not able to type a reply. Another response from Ethan comes, almost as if he knows what Ryan is thinking.
We will all be home soon. Can’t wait to see you and Chris.
Ryan is able to respond to this. Me 2.
December
Ryan is in a sprint up the arrival gate at Bangor International Airport. He brushes past a few other passengers, his duffle bag knocking gently into them.
“Sorry!” he tosses over his shoulder as he weaves in and out of the slow moving group.
When he exits the gate he does not have to look long. Lisa is standing right in front of the exit. When they lock eyes she jumps on her toes and presses her hands to her lips, tears of joy filling her eyes.
“My boy!” She says as Ryan drops his bag and throws his arms around her, lifting her petite frame off of the ground and swinging her slightly. Her arms encircle him and she presses her cheek to his.
“Mom,” he breaths out, squeezing her tighter. Slowly he lowers her to her feet and she reaches up, taking his face in her hands.
“Look at you, your face is slimmer! Have you been eating enough? Look at this jawline, what? Who is this man that has come home to me?” She searches his eyes.
“It’s from all the conditioning for football Mom, I promise I was eating and taking care of myself,” he smiles. “Don’t worry.”
“I’ve already cooked you dinner, we just have to warm it when we get to the house. I made all your favorites: lobster loaf, mac-n-cheese, that seven-layer salad you love, and a cobbler,” Lisa lists, hooking her arm in her son’s as they head to the luggage claim. “And a bottle of Pepto Bismol to wash it all down with.”
Ryan chuckles and feels at ease for the first time in four months. “Thank you. Sounds awesome. I might not chew, just inhale,” he says.
“You stuff your face however you want, I’m just happy to have you home,” she says squeezing his hand.
***
Ryan has not been this excited to wake up before dawn in his life. Cherryfield High’s Head Football Coach Terry Madison had reached out to his three team captains from the state championship team and asked if they would be willing to come back and help with conditioning for the next round of varsity players. It was a swift and unanimous response from Ryan, Ethan and Chris. Not only would they be home, but they’d be back on the practice field as a trio again.
Ryan pulls into the parking lot next to the field house. He spots Coach Madison’s SUV in his reserved spot. He is the first of his friends to arrive. Chris made it in from Hartfeld late the night before. Ethan arrived sometime earlier in the day but had been swarmed by his family that was desperate to catch up with him and spend time with him.
Driving to the campus felt strange. Ryan had not driven a car in months and pulling back up at the campus as a graduate was a bit odd. His life once revolved around the happenings within the walls of the campus. Now he could faintly remember what the school even smelled like on the inside.
Headlights approach and Ryan looks into his rearview mirror. He spots Chris’s jeep. Ryan smiles broadly and opens the door. He adjusts his toboggan and gloves as Chris pulls in beside him.
Ryan approaches the jeep and sees Ethan in the passenger seat. The quarterback and his red-haired pal are grinning like kids on Christmas day.
Chris opens his door first. “What’s up!” he says and he and Ryan hug quickly.
“Good to see you,” Ryan smiles.
The passenger side door opens and Ethan walks around the back of the jeep. Ryan gives him a quick hug as well.
“Hey,” Ethan says with a happy laugh.
“Hey old man,” Ryan greets and pulls away.
They each study each other, standing face to face as a group for the first time in ages.
“Powell you look like you got some gains,” Ryan says and playfully punches his arm.
“Coach Cohen’s regimen,” Chris says of his Hartfeld head coach. “Strict diet and weight training.”
“How’s your knee?” Ryan asks looking at Ethan.
“A lot better. The rehab has been helping, doing strength training to get strong again. I’ll be back out there next season.”
“Damn skippy you will,” Ryan grins. The three can’t stop smiling.
“What’s new with you guys? I feel like once exams hit, things got crazy, couldn’t talk as much,” Ryan shrugs.
“Yeah, it’s been busy. I uh…well, there’s this girl,” Chris begins and Ethan and Ryan both turn to face him.
“Yeah?” Ethan asks with a smile.
“MC…that’s her nickname…anyways, right before break…things kind of just clicked with her. Then the whole LA trip with Russell Tibbs,” Chris looks to Ryan and Ethan who both nod. He had text them about the once in a lifetime trip and posted pictures to his Instagram and Facebook. “Well, I didn’t really mention it, but…she came with me,” Chris smiles.
“I want to meet this girl,” Ryan says.
Chris rolls his eyes. “Of course you do.”
“No, no, nothing romantic, not stepping on your toes. I just need to talk to her about her choice in guys,” Ryan says. “’Cause if she picked you, something has got to be wrong with her!” Ryan jokes.
Chris throws his arm around Ryan’s neck, pulling him over and rubs his knuckles in his scalp.
“Ouch!” Ryan yells as Chris holds him down.
“Not even back together five good minutes,” Ethan shakes his head.
January
He did not want to go.
He did not want his mother to drive him to the airport, almost an hour and a half away from Cherryfield. He did not want to hug her goodbye. He did not want to fly back to Louisville. He did not want to see his dorm room again.
Winter Break had been amazing. Ryan had the opportunity to work with some of his old teammates from Cherryfield and train up the newest fresh meat. He, Ethan and Chris had spent time back on the field together, tossing the ball around occasionally for fun. At a party he had seen a few old faces that he had surprisingly missed as well, however two of the faces he was most hoping to see never crossed his path when he was home.
Chris had invited Ethan and Ryan to join him and some of the Hartfeld team at the national championship game. There was a new addition in Chris’s life, MC, the girl Chris had spent almost all of break talking about. Ryan liked her. She was funny, sweet and could go toe to toe with him in the humor department. Ryan didn’t mind her being around. Chris wasn’t different with MC there. Not like he had been with Nicole. Chris always seemed guarded, afraid to make a mistake around Nicole. With MC, he seemed comfortable and relaxed. That in itself was more reason to like her.
The goodbye after nationals had been harder than the goodbye after their camping trip. Ryan was filled with dread. At the beginning of the year he had no idea of what lay ahead for him. There were so many question marks and unknowns as he began his college career.
Coming back for the spring semester, Ryan knows exactly what he will face. There is no mystery, there is little optimism. He is returning to a life he does not want.
The cab drops him off at the Bettie Johnson Hall and he grabs his bags from the trunk. They feel heavier than they did at the airport when he hugged his tearful mother goodbye for another four months.
He walks inside the building. No smile is on his face, he does not speak to anyone on the stairs or as he walks down the hall. He finds his keys and the place is silent and dark when he opens the door. Trevor is on the road with the basketball team. Ryan flips a switch and a light comes on overhead, but everything still appears drab
to him.
He opens the door to his bedroom, drops his bags to the floor and lets out a heavy sigh.
February 14
Snow continues to flutter down onto the campus already blanketed in a powdery white. Gray skies overhead block out the sun, casting a dreary contrast to the gleaming white landscape. A few snowflakes fall against Ryan’s lashes as he hustles over the sidewalk, heading towards the residence hall.
The cold does not bother him as it does most students on the campus. It feels like home. Despite the coldness of the air and the flakes that melt against his skin, there is a warming comfort in that sensation. It is familiar.
He passes a couple, arms linked as they stroll past him. In the hand of the young man, a bouquet of red and white balloons; the young woman at his side is cradling a brown teddy bear with the words ‘I love you’ stitched on its chest. She is all smiles as she giggles at something he says, leaning into her lover as they casually walk the campus.
Ryan casts his eyes away from them, focusing on the snow cleared pavement under his feet. It’s Valentine’s Day, and for the first time, he hates the holiday. Walking solitary across the large campus, he realizes the drastic change from his Valentine’s Day a year ago. He had dressed up like Cupid, delivering valegrams to his senior classmates at Cherryfield High. He thinks of Morgan and her smile as he handed her the valegrams and whispered to her. A detention was earned for some shenanigans later in the day with Chris and for roaming the school shirtless, but he had been happy. At least up until the end of the school day, when Tay had delivered a heartbreaking order that they should stay away from each other.
He approaches the double doors of the residence hall, grabbing the handle and stepping inside. The heater over the door sends a jet stream of warm air directly into his face.
The sudden heat he feels is not just exterior, but he feels warm inside as happy memories spent with both Tay and Morgan replay in his mind. He jogs up the stairs, pulling out his keys as he walks down the hall to his dorm.
He opens the door and finds it unoccupied, Trevor likely out with his girl. It’s Valentine’s Day, Ryan thinks again.
He tosses his coat and gloves onto his bed, and unlaces his boots before stepping out of them. He heads to the kitchen, opens the refrigerator and grabs a Gatorade, twisting the top and taking a long drink. He exhales as he studies the living space, recognizing it’s almost sunset and Trevor will likely not be back that night.
His phone buzzes and he carries his drink to the sofa before plopping down and pulling it from his pocket. It is a text from a girl named Michelle asking what he was up to with a series of winking eye emoji’s with hearts at the lips. He decides not to respond, laying the phone down beside him.
Grabbing the TV remote, he flips through the television channels until he lands on ESPN. He listens to the sports news of the day but quickly becomes bored with it. He could do some homework and study he thinks, but he’s not really in the mood for that either.
He hops up, retrieving his laptop from his room and he sinks back down on his sofa. He checks his campus email account and sees a few messages from professors about class details and several e-blasts about Valentine’s Day events that night.
A notification in the corner of the screen lets him know he has a few messages on Facebook and he opens the page to the site. He has not checked in over a month. As he does, the first image he is greeted with is of Chris and MC. The newly inseparable duo is standing on what looks like a dance floor with a crowd surrounding them. They are holding hands and smiling as a red haired woman hands MC an envelope. “Bow tie dance FTW!” Chris’s caption reads under the photo. “Guess who nailed the Couple’s Challege and is officially Hartfeld’s cutest couple?”
Ryan clicks like on the photo and types out a quick comment. “You dancing? How many broken toes does MC have?” he smirks as he hits enter.
He scrolls further down the page and stops on a picture of Ethan and Steph. Ethan’s arms are wrapped around Steph as he places a kiss against her forehead. Her arms are stretched up over his back as she squeezes his shoulders, her eyes are closed but a smile is on her face.
“First Valentine’s Day with the love of my life,” Ethan’s caption says. Steph is tagged in the photo and Ryan sees a number of likes to the post, including two from Ethan’s mother and father and one from his own mom, Lisa.
“So sweet and adorable!” Lisa wrote in the comments.
Ryan likes the photo as well and clicks the comment button but stops himself. The only thing he can think of is something snarky and even he has to admit the photo is sweet.
He looks at the smile on Ethan’s face, even his eyes seeming to laugh as he kisses Steph. Ryan scrolls back up and looks at the photo of Chris and MC. MC is smiling at the red-haired woman but Chris’s eyes are on his girl. He smiles brightly, looking not only proud but very much so in love.
Ryan rubs his forehead. Their trio is changing. Chris had a girlfriend for most of high school but it never felt like an element of change. No matter how enamored Chris was, Ryan hadn’t really expected he and Nicole to be forever.
Looking at the pictures of his best friends with MC and Steph, he somehow knows that these two women will be a part of his life for the rest of his existence too. Their trio of boys is now a quintet and includes a healthy level of estrogen.
Ryan sighs. He does not know if he will ever have someone to take that quintet to a sextet. He had someone once, he recalls. Someone very special and then he had messed it all up for the sake of another girl. At the time it had all felt worth it.
He is about to shut the laptop when an urge hits him. She had unfriended him at some point and time but he could still view her page. He searches Taylor Worley and her profile drops down in the search bar. He looks it over, skimming the postings. In the most recent, she is sitting on the lap of a young man with his arms around her waist. They both smile at the camera. Ryan can see a tattoo on each of the dark haired young man’s hands. He looks over Tay’s About section and sucks at his teeth when he reads “in a relationship” under her status. That’s something new he notes. He hadn’t checked her profile since September but there was nothing listed under it at the time.
He enters another search into the site and a few pages are listed. As he searches Morgan Price, her private page is listed first, followed by a professional page and several other fan sites. His head jerks slightly in reaction. Morgan Price has fan pages. He first clicks on her private page. She has been Facebook friends with him for years and she must have made the page inaccessible to people she was not already friends with. The last post on this page is from Christmas. It is of Morgan, her mother, father and Micah in front of the Christmas tree at Rockefeller center. “NYC Christmas with my three favorite people!” is Morgan’s caption. She is wearing a beanie with a fluffy pompom and a puffy black coat. She is smiling as her arms stretch out to hug her parents and brother all squeezing together. He focuses on her smile and feels himself smiling too.
He checks out her professional page and audibly speaks a “Woah” as he sees the 52,762 page likes it has.
The very first post is only text but says “A big announcement coming soon! So excited to share the news!—Team MP.” He wonders what it could be before moving on. He scrolls down the page and image after image of Morgan in an ad, on a runway or on set somewhere passes his eyes. Her poses are typically serious in nature but in a few she is smiling and Ryan recognizes the same sincere smile she always has.
He stares at one for a long time before returning to her private page. He clicks open the messenger. He begins to type and rereads the note. As he does, Ethan’s voice echoes in his ears. He thinks for a long time, resting his chin on his palm, a finger curled over his lips as he reads over the message again. Sighing, he highlights what he has written and hits delete.