No One But Myself

No One But Myself
By Misha

Disclaimer- Not mine.
Author’s Notes- Another ACoR fic! Have I mentioned how much I love this book? Because I do. A lot. This focuses on my main MC Portia, who is torn between Cassius and Antony (I’ll create a gentler MC for Syphax) and I’ve touched on how I envision her dynamic with Antony, this is how I see the relationship with Cassius. I rarely go for love triangles, but I love this one and the tragic element to it all.
Rating- PG-13
Pairing- Cassius/MC, hints of Antony/MC
Summary- Cassius makes Portia an offer that she has to refuse because she will never allow herself to belong to any one man.
Words- 907

“If you will have me, I would like to be your only patron,” Cassius told me, his lips hovering above my ear, his breath warming me even if his words chilled me.

I knew many courtesans would be grateful for such an offer, especially if it came from a patron like Cassius: rich, handsome, young, and most of all, kind. Yet, I found no joy in his words, only panic.

“What inspired that offer?” I deflected lightly, my hand resting on his thigh. He had invited me to his villa for a meal and we were enjoying it under the stars.

“Is it so surprising that I have no wish to share you?” He asked instead of answering my question, his arm drawing me even closer. “Would you not at least consider it?”

No, I would not. But I could not say that out loud. I had to be delicate in this, like all things, because I still desired his patronage, I just did not wish him to be my only patron.

“I am just surprised,” I answered, “you have made no mention of your desire for such things before now.” He had been my patron for weeks and his visits had become more frequent, and more intimate, but there had been no discussion of the arrangement or my other patrons. Not that there had been many, Cassius’s generous patronage had allowed me to be selective, for I did not want just any patrons. No, I only planned on having one other patron besides Cassius.

“I just… I do not want you to feel obligated to take on any patrons you may not wish too,” Cassius told me after a moment.

I turned slightly to face him, cupping his face in my hand. “Do not worry, Lena does not force me to do anything, or entertain anyone, I do not wish.” As long as I made Lena money, she would give me the illusion of having some say over my life and body.

“There has been talk that Antony has been bragging of his desire to sample the wares of Gaul again,” Cassius admitted and I could feel his tension. “And I hear that he has visited the schola.”

Ah. So that was the cause of his jealousy. “You are bothered by the idea of Antony visiting me?” I asked lightly, turning my face from his.

“Yes.” There was no hesitation. “I can’t stand the thought of him touching you,” Cassius told me, his voice more heated than I had ever heard it.

“So you thought you would make it impossible for anyone but yourself to do so,” I commented, pulling away slightly from his embrace, letting him see that he had displeased me. “Make it clear that I am your property.”

I let the bitterness seep into my words and kept my eyes averted, but I could feel him freeze and his tension become panic.

“No not at all,” he denied, drawing me closer to him again. “Portia, I do not wish to own you or make you do anything you do not wish.” Even as he spoke, he tilted my face toward him, forcing me to look up at him. “I did not think my offer would displease you so.”

“I have no wish to be dependent on any one person’s kindness,” I told him quietly, “If I were to accept your patronage, I would be indebted to you, to your whims, just waiting for the day you got bored of me and then I’d be back where I started.” But older and less desirable, my chance at revenge gone. I would not risk that. No matter how pleasant Cassius was.

Cassius looked both pained and insulted by my words. “Portia, I never…”

“I know,” I told him, deciding to end his misery, “but do you see why I cannot accept your offer? I will accept your patronage, happily, but I can’t let myself depend on you.”

There was no anger in my words, but I could tell they hurt him. The truth often hurts.

After a moment his grasp on me lessened a little bit. “Then I just hope that you will continue to let me be your patron,” he said finally, stroking my cheek, almost hesitantly.

“Happily,” I assured him, bringing my lips to his, using my kiss to soothe the sting of my earlier words.

Cassius kissed me back eagerly, his hands on my waist, turning me so that I was facing him and he could deepen the kiss. He broke the kiss and rested his forehead against my mind. “Forgive me my misstep?”

“Of course,” I assured him, covering his hand with mine, “we will not talk any more about it. We will just enjoy the night.”

Cassius nodded and drew me toward him for another kiss, the subject avoided for now. Though I had a feeling it might rise again, especially once he learned I had taken Antony to my bed and would continue to do so. As kind as Cassius was and as much as I enjoyed his company and patronage, I did not have the luxury of allowing myself to rely on him and I never would.

I could only rely on myself and the only thing that mattered was the ability to exact my revenge and I would do whatever I had to do to complete my goal. No man would get in the way of that.

• End