Riley moved through her room in a trance. Her body still felt numb, she wasn’t sure she’d ever get over the loss of him and what returning to the manor alone truly meant. What was to be their shared home would always simply be hers.
Riley stared out the limousine window, everything moving past in a blur of shapes and colors as she saw straight past the scenery. She felt like she was moving in slow motion as she returned to the duchy. Her head was fuzzy, leaving her feeling completely dazed. She still couldn’t come to terms with the fact that she had to bury the man that she loved. No she did bury him. He was gone, he was in the ground. Her body felt numb from the second she heard the shot go off. A piece of her soul had broken off and left her when he did.
Their love was such a whirlwind, she didn’t have nearly enough time with him. Time. The concept that it went on without him made her want the earth open up and swallow her whole. She didn’t know how to move forward now that she was once again alone.
She looked up at the looming building as it appeared in her view. The once welcoming duchy where they dreamed up their future seemed monstrous, casting a daunting shadow upon her, reminding her what they would never have.
Why did he have to die? It didn’t seem fair, for her to live and mourn him and everything they had dreamed up with wide smiles. Her future without him was more terrifying than the thought of never taking another breath.
She squeezed her eyes shut as the limousine pulled to a stop, she was home. Home. Once it was to be their home, now it simply felt like a reminder of everything she lost. How could she enter the building without seeing ghosts of what would never be? Every corner once held possibility, now it just held deep crushing sadness.
She exited the car, breezing into the manor, blocking out all questions from her friends. As much as she hated the thought all she wanted was to be alone. Alone with her grief and misery, not afraid of hurting someone’s feelings when she tuned them completely out. She knew they were there for her out of kindness, but it all felt like a weak substitute for what she was meant to have.
She slammed the door to her master bedroom shut flicking the lock, she wanted to be allowed to cry without the looks of sadness and pity on her well meaning friends faces. She shed her fitted black dress, leaving it discarded on the ground. Her entire life changed in an instant. It went from fairytale ending to living nightmare in a blink of an eye and a blinding flash of a muzzle.
She dropped her gaze down, she could still see remnants of his blood coating her arms and chest. She closed her eyes, but was only met with the scene replaying in her head. She could still hear the loud pop the gun made and the ear piercing shriek that left her lips. Her life felt foreign, she wasn’t sure she would ever get over the heartbreak of losing the man she loved the same day she became his wife.
Riley looked up into the mirror, knuckles going white as she gripped the vanity edge tighter as she frowned at the pale face staring back at her. She barely recognized the woman she’d become since he died. Her chestnut brown hair brushed the first time in a week, missing its usual shine. Her hazel eyes were bloodshot and red rimmed, deep purple circles proving though she barely left her bed that she barely got any sleep. Any sleep manage was not a reprieve from the pain she felt, instead it was simply a reminder of all she lost.
Riley smiled, her eyelids slowly fluttered open as she felt his calloused hand brush against her cheek. “Morning.” She breathed as hazel locked on warm chestnut brown.
“Morning.” His lips quirked into a lopsided smile as he leaned in for a kiss.
“You have morning breath.” She pulled away half seriously teasing her husband, her heart.
“So do you.”
Their lips met, a spark lighting through her. She brought her hand up, fingers tangling in his hair as she pulled him closer. She felt complete, at peace. She never wanted this feeling to end.
She rolled, reaching for him in the bed. Her hand hit cold sheets, forcing her back to reality. It was all a dream, a beautiful, wonderful, horrible dream. Tears streaked down her pale cheeks soaking the pillowcase in fresh tears. She rolled to her side, staring out at the balcony. She had once found the view so serene and beautiful, now it was just another reminder of all they dreamed of and would never have.
She felt completely lost without him. She didn’t want to move, she barely ate, let alone showered. How can I move on like he was never here? They said ‘time heals all wounds’ but how much time is needed to mend a broken heart?
I shouldn’t be here, he shouldn’t be the one who is gone. On the outside she wept, deep inside she didn’t simply feel bone crushing grief, she felt pain but also guilt. She knew Liam said his name because he loved her. If I had said no to Maxwell he never would have died and I wouldn’t feel so terribly alone surrounded by friends. She didn’t want to be here, she didn’t want to live, but her faith ingrained her with a fear of taking her own life. Instead it was easier to just sit in her bed, refusing every tray Hana brought to her with a sad smile. She just was waiting to fall asleep and never wake.
Why did I agree to weekly get togethers that are really check ups on the grieving widow? I don’t want to see people, I don’t want to talk. I just want to be left alone. She frowned as her phone lit up with the doctor’s name that Olivia had all but forced her to see. Why can’t they just let me go? I don’t want reminders of him. I want to be on my own or with him. Why couldn’t they just leave me be. She so badly wanted to push decline, but she wanted to prove to them that their concern had been over nothing. Hopefully now they’ll let me leave.
Riley rushed around her room stuffing clothes in her open suitcase. Only what she brought, she wanted to forget all her time spent in Cordonia all her frilly gowns were to stay behind. She couldn’t stay, not here, she couldn’t take the memories that were etched into every corner of the country she’d come to think of as home.
She wasn’t sure where to go. New York would be just as bad, she’d be drawn to the bar they met at. She couldn’t go back to Montana, she’d be reminded of all the times he talked to her about Walker ranch and the simple life he wanted to show their kids. She placed her hand on her flat stomach, they’d never have children. She’d never see him beam as he held their newborn in his arms. She’d never get to argue over who the baby resembled more, him of course, not that she’d mind. She shook her head sniffling back fresh tears. It’s time to forget every dream.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
She closed her eyes as Olivia’s voice broke through the still room. She had hoped to avoid this. She didn’t want to have to try to explain why she was running away. “I’m leaving Cordonia, I can’t live here anymore. It’s too hard, I see him everywhere. I’m sorry but I need to leave.”
“Like hell I’m letting you leave.”
She sighed. “I wasn’t asking for your permission Liv.” Oh god. Her hand flew to her mouth as her stomach turned. She rushed to the en-suite, emptying the meager contents of her stomach into the toilet.
“The only place you’re going is the doctors. You are making yourself sick from not eating. Maybe you even need—”
She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. “I swear if you say I need antidepressants I will stab you with your own damn dagger!”
“There is the fight. Now let’s get you to the doctor.”
“Liv I don’t want to.” She paused as she met Olivia’s murderous gaze. “Fine but when the doctor says everything is normal for someone grieving you have to let me leave Cordonia.”
Olivia sighed. “I hate it, but fine.”
Riley stared at the opposite wall, her feet rooted to the ground as her heart hammered in her chest. “I’m sorry I think I misheard you, could you please repeat that?” No it has to be a mistake. This can’t be happening.
“Of course.” Her voice cheerful and chipper. “I said congratulations, you’re pregnant. By the levels and your last known period we would estimate about three months but we would need you to come in for an ultrasound to confirm.”
Pregnant? Her heart stopped in her chest. Three months? Tears sprung to her red rimmed hazel eyes. He’s almost been gone that long. Her legs gave way, her body crumbling to the ground, phone slipping from her hand, tumbling to the floor. I—I can’t be. This can’t be happening. Please let me wake up from this endless nightmare.
She didn’t know what was worse, knowing he was gone and she’d never see him again, or doing this all on her own. It felt like some cruel joke the universe was playing on her, giving her a piece of him, a reminder of what could have been. Would she be able to watch a miniature version of him grow without her heart completely shattering?
All the stress she was under after losing Drake she barely even noticed that she was late. It wasn’t until she had been getting increasingly nauseous that she’d noticed anything was amiss. Even so, she wasn’t eating as much, sullen and depressed, it wasn’t until Olivia had all but threatened her that she even went to see what was wrong. She was convinced it was due to stress and lack of care, she never even suspected that she may be pregnant.
Pregnant. The word brought her fear and sadness instead of filling her with joy and love. She sat on the floor, her body a broken heap like when she’d held Drake in her arms, all the pain she felt that night rushing back to her tenfold. A baby, his baby. She’d been struggling to find a reason to hold on, to move forward, can I do this? How can I watch our child grow without completely falling apart?
“Riley?” His baritone voice tinged with concern as it filtered through the halls.
She opened her mouth to call out to him, no words coming. He’ll find me. With the news she’d forgotten he was stopping by to check on her, usually she’d be waiting for him in the kitchen. She looked up as she saw his shadow before his tall frame filled the doorway.
His face briefly flitted with relief at finding her. “Riley, what’s wrong?” He rushed to her side.
Her silent tears turned to a loud broken sob. How many times would today mirror the one where she lost her husband? “The-the doctor called.” She stammered, barely getting the words out. “I’m—I’m pregnant.” The last word lodged itself in her throat. Her heart ached as she spoke, she shouldn’t be crying, Drake should be by her side, both of them feeling overjoyed at the news. “How can I possibly do this on my own?”
His heart broke for her, he knew this couldn’t be making things any easier for her. “You aren’t alone.”
She wiped at her cheeks with the backs of her hands. “I know I will have help and support, the gang has been, you have been kind enough to check up on me, but he should be here.” He would be here if it weren’t for me.
How can he just be gone?
