The cover art for TRR book 4 inspired me in the worst possible way. Liam is extremely oblivious in this mess.
Series Summary: When Everly Thomas left for Cordonia she thought it was her dream come true. Prince Charming would sweep her off her feet and they would live happily ever after. When fairytales go bad is there any coming back?
I never wanted this life, not really. I wanted the fantasy version of this life that I held in my head. Some over romanticized whirlwind romance ending with happily ever after. What I wanted was a fairytale, what I got was a nightmare.
I was engaged to one man, trapped by the promise I made at the beginning of the social season that I was competing for his hand. I was in love with another, a man who made me feel like anything in the world was possible. Even breaking free. In my heart I knew the truth, I would never again be free, I was trapped, chained to a gilded cage.
It was the night before my wedding, I was meant to go to bed early with a smile on my face. It felt like all I did was smile, but not a true smile. No those left the day I realized my choice had been made and I would remain stuck in this gilded cage for the rest of my life.
I couldn’t smile, not anymore. Not a real smile or a fake one. Not then, not that night.
I laid in bed staring up at the ornate ceiling, my heart completely shattered, tears staining my face. I couldn’t sleep. All I could do was think about him and the life I dreamed we could have if I was free of my gilded cage and allowed to spread my wings, flying free.
I wasn’t surprised that I ended up at his room that night, tears actively streaming down my face. I knocked on his door, my fist coming down on the door over and over again incessantly until the door was thrown open. He stood only clad in striped pajama bottoms staring at me, a shocked expression on his face. His lustrous obsidian hair was disheveled, and he rubbed at his eyes like I had woken him.
None of that mattered. Not to him, not to me. Not in that moment.
At the sight of my tear stained face all questions left his mind, he knew why I was crying. He knew why I was there. He would always know. He got me in ways that I had only dreamed of and it broke my heart in two that I had to leave him behind.
‘I can’t marry him!’ I sobbed as he pulled me into his arms, my body molding to his just like it always did. I took comfort in his arms, the way the warmth permeated my body from his, the way he smelled of Scotch, peppermint, citrus and sandalwood. The lingering scents of alcohol and his body wash swirled around me, engulfing my senses making me feel safe, protected. I always felt safe and loved in his arms and I never wanted to leave. I wasn’t ready to give this up, leave him behind. I squeezed him tighter, praying I would never have to let go. But I knew, oh I knew that I had to.
He brushed back my almond colored hair kissing my crown, a silent ‘I know.’ We both knew how I felt, who I loved. We both knew there was no escape. Not for me. For us there was no happy ending. All we would ever have was love and heartbreak. That’s all our love story was ever meant to be.
‘Run away with me.’ I pleaded looking up at him, my grass green eyes silently begging his stormy grey to say yes. I knew the answer before the words even escaped my mouth, but still I neededto voice them.
He didn’t answer. He didn’t need to. He knew I knew the answer was no. We couldn’t. He was bound by his duty to the crown and I was to be the next queen.
I found myself silently wishing I never said yes to Maxwell, never entered the social season. I would have lost him, but he was never mine to begin with. Not truly, not in the way that mattered, the way I longed for in my heart. I would never had known what true love felt like, but I also wouldn’t be about to be trapped in this life I didn’t want.
I slid my hands up to his cheeks, his beard gently rubbing against my soft palms as I pulled his face down to mine, crashing our lips together. We poured every feeling into that kiss. Every ‘I love you’ that would never be said. Every ounce of love for each other and every bit of regret that we could never be was poured into each other. I memorized his feel, his taste, his smell, every soft sigh. I had to say goodbye but I refused to forget.
I couldn’t forget him if I tried, he was a part of me now. There was no going back, no changing who I loved, no changing who I truly belonged to. I was his, and he was mine, but it wasn’t built to last.
He pulled me further into the room closing the door behind us. We broke apart breathless, lips kiss swollen, cheeks wet with tears—probably mine but maybe his too. Both our hearts broke that night as we kissed each other over and over again. We put every bit of love we felt for each other into one single night, our bodies coming together again one final time. We spent the night loving each other the way we wished we could spend every day for the rest of our lives. We said goodbye, though all we wanted to do was fly away and be free.
I silently snuck back to my room in the early dawn hours. Dark bags hung under my eyes from lack of sleep. My heart was heavy knowing that I would never know him in that way again. I was to be wed, and we could never be.
Everly reread the words she just wrote, tears splashing onto the paper making the ink run. Every page in her journal covered with the same beautifully loopy handwriting, dotted with tears and running ink. She wasn’t sure why she wrote it all down, what purpose it held. All she knew was she felt like she was drowning, constantly gasping for a breath that never came. She needed to breathe, needed to get past the intense brokenness she felt. So she wrote. She wrote her story, getting it out, explaining why she felt the way she did, why she was this completely broken shell of a woman that she used to be.
Everly shut her journal, plain, simple, nothing special. She needed one thing in her life to be ordinary or she felt that the ornate walls might cave in on her, suffocating her. She glanced out the window, the weather matching her mood.
Outside it was wet, the rain coming down at a gentle pace, the soft sounds of the drops pinging as they hit the cold wet earth and windows resounding in her ears. The air held a slight chill, and the wind blew harshly, making the trees bend nearly in half, she wondered how they could bend so far and yet remain unbroken, nearly unchanged. She had bent and given up so much, inside all she felt was broken. There was no coming back, no return to who she was. Not for her. She wasn’t ever meant for a happy ending to her life story, that much was clear. No, her life was meant to be the sad lonely existence, trapped, forever kept from the man she loved.
Everly jumped, her heart leaping in her chest as she heard a gentle tap at her door. Her hand came to her stomach. “It’s okay little bird.” She stood throwing a quick glance at her journal, before she crossed the space. She felt her breath catch in her throat as she opened the door to Bastien. Her mind raced. Did something happen? Could I be free? She knew no matter what she would never be free, as long as she carried her little bird, their heir. Heir, oh how she hated the word and all that it meant. “Bas—” Her voice breathy and full of surprise. She cleared her throat. “What can I help you with Bastien?” She cringed at her own hardened tone. She wanted to wrap her arms around his neck and kiss him until she was breathless, but she had to be strong.
Everly saw a flicker of pain in his stormy eyes. Bastien stood straighter, smoothing his suit jacket as he cleared his throat. “I wanted to ensure you were okay. I haven’t seen you leave your quarters—”
“Well as you can see I’m fine.” Everly cut him off. “Why would I want to leave when I’m locked in such a pretty cage?” She said in a mocking tone.
Everly watched his face fall. “Evie.” Hot tears stung at her eyes and she felt her heart crack, she hadn’t heard him call her that in too long, hearing it now hurt far too much. “You know you aren’t required to stay in here….you never go to the gardens anymore.”
“I can’t go to the gardens anymore, it hurts too much. It’s full of memories of us and it just wasn’t meant to be.” She said voice breaking, fighting back tears. Stay strong.
“Evie—” Bastien said reaching out to touch her.
“Bas, please.” Everly said pulling her arm back. “You can’t talk to me like that if you expect me to let you go.” She shook her head. Can I really let him go? I have to. But… Grass green met stormy grey and she felt her resolve break. She still loved him, and she couldn’t do this anymore. Her life was so lonely and nothing like she had thought it would be. “I’m so alone and empty. I love you, I need you.” She said, her hands gently cupping his bearded cheeks. Her grass green eyes bore into his stormy grey, silently pleading him to love her the way she needed.
“Evie—” Bastien’s fingers gently grazed her cheek, she closed her eyes and leaned into his touch. “Evie, you know I can’t.”
“I know.” Her voice but a broken whisper. She opened her eyes. “I just miss you so much. I miss being loved.” She dropped her hands to her sides, turning her head away as she furiously blinked away fat tears.
“Liam loves you Evie.”
Everly swore she could hear his heart breaking with his words. I was always yours, never his. I will always be yours. “No.” She replied shaking her head. “Liam loves who he thinks I am. You are the only one who knows the real me and loves me regardless.” Her eyes shut as she took a breath. “I miss you. I miss the way you made me believe in myself. I miss the way you looked at me with love and admiration. But mostly, I miss the way you loved me so completely.” She fluttered her eyes open, turning back towards him. “I’m just all alone in this beautiful gilded cage. I feel so sad and broken without you.” She looked into his eyes, seeing them full of regret and love. “You’re dismissed Bas, you checked on me, I’m clearly fine. I’m going to bed.” She turned from him, knowing she had to give up her hopes and walk away from him for good. She couldn’t allow herself to live in the what if’s or she felt like she might truly collapse under the weight of all her loneliness. It was time to truly set him free. She needed to free the only piece of her that she could, the last shred of her that believed that things could be different.
“Evie, wait!” Bastien said, reaching out to grab her arm.
Everly turned, her face wet with the millions of what could have beens that she cried. “What Bas?” She questioned, her voice flat, completely defeated. She was done hoping. She was done believing. She was giving up. This was her life and there was nothing in the world that could change it. The die was cast and her story written in stone.
Everly watched the battle raging behind Bastien’s eyes. She waited for him to say what it was he needed to say so she could work on truly leaving him behind, work on forgetting all the daydreams she had as she looked out over the maze, their maze. Time moved in slow motion as she watched his resolve slowly fray, finally breaking. She let out a surprised gasp as he leaned forward his lips connecting with hers. She melted in the kiss, finally feeling complete for the first time in months. Her hands fisted his shirt, as she sighed contentedly into the kiss.
The kiss ended far too quickly and Everly knew exactly what she’d see. She slowly opened her eyes, her heart breaking as she watched Bastien roughly run his hands through his hair. I never should have thought… I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up.
Bastien shook his head. “I’m sorry Evie I shouldn’t have.”
Everly sadly nodded as she watched him turn and walk away. Her heart once again broken in pieces. She fought the sob threatening to break free as she closed the door behind his receding form. It felt like she was truly shutting the door on any hope for them, for happiness, for freedom. I’m so sorry my little bird. You deserve better than being caged. She should have known better, he always would be bound to his duty. She would never have him. She walked to the bed, collapsing in the middle letting out a broken sob as she clutched the her pillow to her chest. No wonder the caged bird sings.
But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.
The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.
~ Maya Angelou
