Summary: Drake struggles with the jarring reality that the woman he loves hold no feelings for him now.
‘Drake.’
A soft voice called out to him, penetrating through the fog of sleep.
‘Drake, baby. Wake up.’
He could feel a hand stroking the side of his face gently and he turned his head in its direction, feeling the warmth of what could only have been sunlight on his face. He took a deep breath in, feeling the fresh clean air fill his lungs. He opened his eyes and immediately winced at the sudden influx of light. For some reason this gained him a soft giggle from the person seated on his right. As his vision adjusted a familiar figure spun in to focus.
‘Elizabeth?’ His body shot into a sitting position. ‘Richmond… Elizabeth? What happening? I thought you-‘
‘Thought I what Drake?’ She smiled, getting to her feet, her yellow sundress caressed by the gentle breeze. ‘Thought I would leave you even though you fell asleep on me during our romantic picnic date?’
Drake looked around curiously, he was sitting on a picnic mat in the middle of a field of daisies. It was late afternoon and the sun was high in the sky casting a golden glow on the scene around him. Before he could wonder where he was, he heard Elizabeth call out to him from a few feet away.
‘Come on Mr Marshmallow, you’re gonna miss it.’ She told him, laughing before running off across the field.
Bewildered beyond words, Drake took off after her lithe figure as she made her way towards the treelike.
‘Richmond! Elizabeth wait up!’
He poured on the speed but somehow as fast as he ran, she always remained just out of his reach. Elizabeth lead him through a thicket of foliage, not stopping as the group grew more uneven.
‘Hurry up, you’re gonna miss it!’
‘Miss what? Richmond!’
He stumbled on a rock, almost face planting but picked himself up at the last second before following her past the tree line to an open plateau that looked out onto a sea view. A crack of thunder split the blue sky in half, leaving a grey cast in its place. The wind around him picked up, whistling shrilly in his ears. Elizabeth stood a few feet away, back to him, looking out onto the landscape, the wind ripping at her yellow dress.
‘Richmond, what’s happening?’ Drake demanded roughly coming up behind her, grabbing her shoulder and turning her to look at him. ‘What did you bring me here to see?’
As her eyes met his, Drake gasped loudly. Her yellow dress had turned to grey, ripped and dirty in too many places. Under his hand, her shoulder stuck out at an awkward angle and her face… Her face was bloodied, eyes bloodshot, cheeks sunken in as her matted dark hair hung limply in greasy bunches and an eerie smile played on her lips.
‘Why Drake… You should know,’ Elizabeth told him in a dreamy tone. ‘This is the part where you failed me.’
His eyes widened as now she appeared to be at the cracking precipice.
‘No! No! Elizabeth No! Get away from the edge! Elizabeth no please!’ Tears streamed down his face now and he fought to get to her but some invisible force held him back.
‘This is all your fault. You couldn’t protect me,’ She told him, almost non-chalantly as the cliff’s edge began to give way. ‘Its too late.’
‘NOOOO!’ He roared, straining to get to her. At the last second, the invisible bonds snapped and he rushed to her but he was too late and could only watch as the cliff gave way and Elizabeth plunged down to the sharp rocks below.
‘ELIZABETH!’
Drake shouted, bolting upright. He was back in his own bed, covered in sweat, chest heaving roughly as his mind fought to get back to reality. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed, dropping his head into his palms.
‘It was just a dream…’ He gasped to himself, running a shaky hand through his sweat soaked hair. ‘Just a dream…’
It has seemed so real, so visceral, almost like losing her all over again and he struggled to believe his own words. He needed to see Elizabeth, to explain, apologise for everything. He couldn’t leave things like this between them and would have gone straight to the hospital right then if his eyes had not fallen on the clock on his night stand.
6.39am.
He still had about seven hours until visiting time at the hospital. Before the feelings could come rushing back in, Drake pushing himself to his feet determined to do something, anything to keep his mind occupied. Grabbing his running shoes and throwing a t-shirt over his head, he took off down his old running trail. It felt good to run, to pound out all the pain and frustration he was feeling in each stroke of his feet against the densely packed soil. Each time his mind tried to wander back into itself, he’d push harder, run faster until the pain disappeared.
Finally, drenched in the morning fog and his own sweat, he returned home to find that barely an hour had passed. After a quick shower and breakfast, Drake put himself to work on the repairs he’d promised himself he’d do. Working with his hands always made him feel more accomplished. There was something about seeing the physical fruits of his own labour that never failed to calm his nerves and at the end of the activity, he felt more grounded and steady in himself.
At one o’clock on the dot, Drake entered the hospital, showered and shaved, with a bunch of flowers in hand. Weaving through the hallways, he finally approached Elizabeth’s room only to hear the sounds of a conversation and a peal of Elizabeth’s musical laughter flow through the door. He knocked once before twisting the handle to find-
‘Maxwell?’
Elizabeth and the younger Beaumont paused in their conversation to glance at him as he entered the room.
‘Oh hey Drake,’ he answered, smiling widely. Why was he here? Drake had to check his tone before he asked his next question. ‘Hey you two. What are you doing here Max?’
‘Same as you,’ Maxwell replied, cheerily. ‘Visiting our dear friend Elizabeth of course.’
‘Right..’ Drake’s eyes drifted to Elizabeth’s where she looked on, her breath held to see what he’d do next. ‘I brought you these,’ he told her, motioning at the flowers.
‘Thank you. You can put them over there,’ she told him in the stiff polite tone, he’d heard her use on many a stuffy noble prompting a pang of heartache within him.
‘Don’t you two look comfortable?’ The words escaped him before he could check himself earning him a puzzled look from the other two. Great going idiot.Drake cleared his throat awkwardly before beginning again. ‘How are you feeling today Elizabeth?’
‘Much better actually.’ The small uncertain smile she gave him warmed his heart beyond description, giving him the confidence to approach her.
‘Thats wonderful to hear.’ He replied, gathering his face into a hesitant smile of his own.
‘I-I’m sorry about yesterday,’ she ventured, not meeting his eyes. ‘I was just freaked out, you know with the whole memory loss thing… I don’t know… a lot of stuff, I’m not even sure what the last thing I remember is. Its just all so fuzzy…’
‘Elizabeth,’ his voice was tender as he sunk into the chair next to Maxwell. ‘You have nothing to apologise for.’
‘I know… But you were – or are- my fiancé and Max has been helping me fill in the gaps but I don’t know if -if I..’
Drake didn’t need to hear the rest of the sentence to catch her meaning. ‘It’s okay… You just focus on getting better,’ he told her, unconsciously sliding his hand towards her before pulling it back, remembering how she’d reacted the day before. ‘We can always figure this out later.’
Elizabeth’s smile was a tiny bit bigger now and to Drake’s surprise, she began to reach for him but before their fingers could touch-
‘Your Grace, sorry to interrupt,’ one of the nurses stuck her head in the doorway, making both of them jump and pull their hands away. ‘It’s time again for you to complete your physical therapy exercises.’
‘Yes of course,’ Elizabeth answered, nodding in thanks.
‘I’ll help!’ Maxwell chimed in. He’d been so silent Drake almost forgot he was there. ‘Same thing as this morning?’
Elizabeth nodded as she attempted to rise from the bed. ‘Just walking at this point.’
Seeing she was struggling, Drake went to help her to her feet and as his hands closed around her good arm, he realised just how thin she’d become. It filled him with an overwhelming sadness to see her like this and he resolved himself to do everything in his power to help her recover.
For a few minutes it worked and both of them helped Elizabeth take short laps around her bed uninterrupted except for a few words of encouragement punctuating the concentrated silence. Beads of sweat started to form on Elizabeth’s forehead as she grimaced, the simple action causing her considerable effort but she persisted and they began to take bigger laps across the room. Drake allowed a tiny ray of happiness to come because maybe things could get better…
The next few things happened almost simultaneously, unravelling all their previous efforts. The hook for Elizabeth’s IV drip caught on the window sill, knocking the plastic bag of fluid onto the floor right in line with Drake’s next step. As Maxwell reached down to retrieve the bag, his hand was caught under Drake’s foot as he brought it down and one of the prongs on the Beaumont signet ring Maxwell always wore punctured the IV bag causing the liquid spilled all over the floor. Drake jumped back almost immediately but his hand got tangled in the cord connecting the bag to the drip in Elizabeth’s arm, stunting his movement and his feet fumbled for purchase on the slippery floor before he could steady himself against the wall. As this happened, his foot caught her in the ankle, knocking her off balance. Her hands slipped off the frame of the crutches and Elizabeth gave a loud cry as her body clattered to the floor, landing with an painful thump.
‘Elizabeth!’ Both of them cried out, scrambling to her aid. As Drake’s hands went to her waist to support her, Maxwell grabbed Elizabeth’s arm to help her up, not realising he’d taken her bad arm, and when he pulled, she released another cry of pain.
‘What the hell Maxwell?’ Drake hissed at him. ‘Can you be anymore of an idiot?’
Maxwell’s eyes widened as they helped her back onto the bed. ‘C’mon man as if you’re gonna blame me for that? You’re the one that knocked her over.’
’Even you should know not to pull on her injured arm. So much for being the fucking expert here,’ he snapped back venomously.
‘You’re the one who stepped on the damn bag moron,’ Max shouted back, voice growing more defensive.
‘Stop it! Stop! Both of you just stop,’ Elizabeth burst out in a voice heavy with tears that silenced their bickering. She drew in a ragged sob. They were locked in a pause as she sobbed for a moment longer before speaking.
‘Please leave Drake. I don’t want you here.’
His eyes widened at her words. ‘Elizabeth no, please don’t do this. I-I’m sorry.’
‘Just. Go.’ The command in her voice was undeniable but he just had to try again.
‘But Elizabe-‘
‘Please just go…’ She looked at him, tears still streaming down her face.
Drake peered into her eyes, searching for a sign, any sign, that the woman he loved was still in there but he found nothing in her dark irises. Nothing but a distaste so cold it knocked the wind out of him. It almost surprised him that he had anything left in the emotional tank but at that moment he felt something break inside him.
Before his feet could give way, he stumbled out of her room but it wasn’t until he was outside that it really sunk it. Out of sheer frustration and helplessness, Drake violently drove his fist into the exterior wall of the hospital, not caring if he left a dent or not.
‘What the fuck are you looking at?’ He snapped at an unsuspecting patron before stalking off.
The drive home passed by in a blur, it was a miracle that he’d made it in one piece really because the only thing he could focus on was the blank look in Elizabeth’s eyes before he left. As soon as he crossed the threshold, the fingers of Drake’s right hand went to find the familiar bottle of amber liquid while the left simultaneously reached for a glass, mind on autopilot going directly to the only available source of pain relief he could think of. However, before it could touch his lips, he paused, glass hovering in the idle space under his chin as he eyed the liquid inside.
This was how it had all started.
Thinking he’d lost Elizabeth, in so much pain that the only thing he could find comfort in was the bottom of a whiskey bottle. Fury and shame welled up inside him at the memory until it was almost too much to bear and with an almighty yell, Drake hurled the glass at the wall. It shattered against the wall, breaking the spell that was holding him together. His legs didn’t have enough strength to hold himself up, his knees buckled, hands shaking as he sunk to the floor. He’d give up all the whiskey in the world for the rest of his life if it meant he could just get her back.
A terrible thought occurred to him… What if he never got her back? What if she never remembered?
That made him stop. It was like the final blow that held been dealt. Lying there on his kitchen floor, Drake had never felt emptier. Not when his dad had passed, not even when he’d found out that Savannah had disappeared. He cried, big ugly sobs until his tear ducts ran dry, head spinning, chest heaving violently until he grew so numb, he couldn’t feel his own body He lay there on the floor, watching the setting sun cast long shadows through the open windows until even those gave in to the darkness. Somewhere in that time, he remembered his promise to Elizabeth — one of the many he’d made at her bedside — to help her get better in any way he could. Maybe, he thought now, maybe that meant that he should stay away, even if it hurt him. Even if she didn’t remember, even if she didn’t want to be, she’d always be the most important person in his life and he’d sooner hurt himself than to cause her anymore pain.
He lost all concept of time in the days that went by, only filled with the memories they’d made together, everything he still wanted to say and do. Ghostly sensations played on his skin, her lips, her smile, her laugh, her smell, all the things that were so viscerally Elizabeth came back to him, haunting his dreams and plaguing him relentlessly at first. The pain evolved in that time though, on the good days it was barely an ache at the base of his skull but on the bad ones it pushed itself forward, blocking out all other sensations, selfishly demanding attention at the cost of his soul, cutting it in two until it stung with every breath he took.
And when it got too much, he’d take off down the path into the woods behind the house. Feet pounding the soil as he pushed himself harder, faster, longer, anything to get her out of his mind, to get it to stop… His phone rang dozens of times, chiming with texts almost every other hour until he’d finally grown tired and shut it off completely.
After what must have been almost a whole month, a sharp knocking shook him out of a thin sleep and peeking out he saw the concerned faces of Liam, Hana, Olivia and Leo on his doorstep. Couldn’t they leave him alone? They knocked again and he grunted in annoyance, knowing they’d persist until he opened the door.
‘Drake!’ Hana burst out when he swung it open. ‘We were so worried. How are you holding up?’
‘Where’s Maxwell?’ He asked roughly, voice like gravel after weeks of disuse, ignoring her question.
‘He’s helping Bertrand with a couple of things around the Beaumont estate..’
He scoffed in contempt.
‘Hey man, we’ve come to take you out. We’re worried about you,’ Leo told him.
Drake scowled. ‘I’m fine.’
‘Drake… Its been three and a half weeks man, we’ve barely seen you,’ Liam replied, eyeing his dishevelled appearance. ‘You’re obviously not fine. And you’re coming with us.’
‘It was actually Olivia’s idea,’ Hana ventured, hesitantly.
That got Drake’s attention. ‘Really?’
The redhead rolled her eyes in trademark fashion but not before Drake saw a hint of an apology in them. ‘Forgive me for getting sick of your pathetic moping Walker,’ she snapped irritably. ‘Yes yes this was my idea because evidently no one else could come up with a better one.’
Drake sees repentance in her eyes although she tried to hide it behind her usual calm facade.
‘So an we go already?’ She whined, shivering slightly. ‘It isn’t not exactly warm and toasty here on your doorstep.’
He was about to shut the door and leave them out in the cold before Leo intercepted it with a firm hand and a stubborn glare that he knew he wouldn’t be able to refuse.
‘We’re not leaving until you do.’
Less than an hour later, Drake found himself in a dimly lit bar, drink in hand. He felt so out of place amid the loud music, dancing couples and loud voices. Places like this had never been his scene, never were and never would be so what made him think this time would be any different. This is stupid, he though to himself for the fiftieth time that night. The last thing he wanted was to be in a place like this when he should be with her… But she made it clear she wanted nothing to do with him… However before Drake could slip back into the recesses of his mind, Leo slid onto the stool beside him, pulling him out of his thoughts.
‘Come on man, enough brooding. Lets just forget about women tonight and enjoy the drinks.’
‘If you say so,’ Drake replied hollowly.
He didn’t particularly want to but he downed the glass anyway. Usually the amber liquid works wonders on his nerves but this night, it’s as good as nothing. He humoured his friends for a couple of songs, awkwardly dragging his feet across the dance floor just so they would shut their mouths.
When Leo got the entire pub on their feet to the catchiest song of the summer, Drake took his chance to slink back towards his corner, stopping by the bar for a refill. He noticed Olivia and Hana a few feet away, locked in a serious conversation and at once he knew.
They were talking about Elizabeth…
He could tell from the way Olivia frowned when Hana answered her question The hollow feeling in his chest only grew stronger as both of them sighed at Hana’s response. As they took another sip of their drinks, Hana’s eyes landed on him and she started towards him.
She knows, he thought to himself, inwardly cursing Hana for being so perceptive. Before she could reach him, Drake grabbed his glass and disappeared into the crowd, determined to down as much alcohol as it took to take the pain away.
Meanwhile, on the opposite side of the bar, Liam sat in a dark corner of his own, concealed partly by some decorative vines hanging from the ceiling, nursing the same glass of bourbon he’d had all night. Rotating his wrist, he swirled the liquid dangerously close to the lip of the glass as he attempted to sort out the tangle of thoughts in his head.
He still loved Elizabeth… He couldn’t keep lying to himself.
As much as he tried to deny it, as much as he tried to push the feeling down, he loved her, he loved her like he’d never loved anyone else before. That was why he’d gone back to visit her at the hospital a few times over the last month and it was also why he’d neglected to tell anyone that he did.
Neither Elizabeth or him were sure of how much or little she remembered but they’d eventually narrowed it down to somewhere around the early stages of the social season. In the conversations the’d shared, it astonished Liam just how much he’d missed her, the light and laughter she’d brought to his life and if he was really going to be honest, he missed having her all to himself. To have her attention and affection was all that he’d craved.
It was so much easier this way, to pretend she was still interested in him and not his best friend, to pretend he had a chance at being the one she wanted. At some point he realised, It would be so easy to run with this. So incredibly easy to give in and keep her all to himself and a part of him wanted to, still wants to, desperately. It was as if fate had literally dropped an opportunity into his lap, something too good to be true and he wanted nothing more than to seize it with his own two hands. Now that he didn’t have the weight of pressure from the social season, Madeleine, the terrorist attack, he finally had the ways and the means to focus solely on Elizabeth.
God how he wanted to..
But he shouldn’t. He couldn’t. It would be unspeakably cruel, a transgression of the highest order to take advantage of his best friend’s situation like that. Although Drake had tried to hide it, Liam knew he’d always felt overshadowed by him, having to forgo certain things or step aside so that Liam could be priority as his rank dictated. He knew the sacrifices Drake had made for him over the years, a normal life, a chance at a college education, his father. Now that his best friend had found the one thing, the one person in life that made him happy, could Liam really take that away from him too?
What about me?! Part of him screamed. Don’t I deserve to be happy too?
The thought had already propelled Liam into his feet, ready to go and claim the girl he almost had but his conscience sunk him back into the chair.
Even if he did get Elizabeth, what life would he be giving her..?
Apart from recovering from a traumatising brain injury, she’d be expected to run a country at his side and with the little knowledge that she remembered about Cordonia she’d be at a huge disadvantage when handling the press with little media train- He doesn’t have to go any further to know that it would be entirely unfair to place this immense responsibility on her and expect her to be able to cope.
Besides what if she did suddenly regain her memories one day and decide to leave him for Drake?
Liam shook his head, the thought cutting through his very soul. He couldn’t have his heart broken again… For the first time in his life he really understood the leaden weight of the crown. He was the crown and the crown was him, inexplicably connected – while abdication was possible, he knew he couldn’t never leave his country in good conscience like his brother did. He realised no matter what option he took he’d be the loser in the end.
An unfamiliar rush of anger flooded his person and Liam stalked off in the direction of the exit, muttering a quick excuse to his brother. He needed some space, he needed to drive and clear his head.
Just for tonight he would let his feelings flow and allow himself to grieve, grieve over everything he knew he’d never have.
Eight glasses of whiskey later and the pain was as present as ever.
For a moment Drake almost thought they’d given him the weak stuff and he chuckled harshly, thinking what a fool he’d been played for. The pain was still there, it had never stopped being there, but now it seemed like he was feeling everything else too, just more intensely. Clutching his hair, he sunk even lower into his seat.
He was missing her so much… No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get rid of those thoughts, couldn’t stop them, stop her from creeping into his mind again. He knew he had to put a stop to this but how…?
All he could think of was the way Elizabeth had seen right through him. Her eyes, the way she looked at him, totally devoid of any love and affection, like he was some stranger. He was a stranger, in her eyes anyway and it hurt like hell to even think of that. Deeper and deeper he spiralled into the chasm of his mind only to be interrupted yet again.
‘Hey there Drake,’ Hana came to sit beside him.’How you going there?’
Was she seriously expecting an answer? He rolled his eyes as he spat an answer. ‘Fucking spectacular.’
‘Thats not the truth and you know it.’ Hana enunciated carefully, as she fixed him with a frown.
Drake swivelled to face her, swaying dangerously as he did so. ‘Hell what do you want me to say then woman?’ He exclaimed loudly.
‘Maybe you just need to calm down for a second okay…’ she told him, urgently trying to calm him down but instead her words had the opposite effect.
‘How Hana? Tell me how?’ He demanded almost violently, staring her down as his voice grew louder and louder. ‘How am I supposed be calm when I just looked at the woman i’ve loved and saw nothing in her eyes? I love her so fucking much but all she said was nothing.’
He wanted her, he wanted her so badly it physically hurt. He could feel the need for her throbbing in his veins, pounding in his brain, etched into every cell of his body. Maybe it was the alcohol soaking through his brain but he was could almost feel her touch on his skin. Nothing could convince him otherwise as a thought struck him.
He never told her he loved her. She doesn’t know, his brain seemed to be telling him. She has to know. I gotta tell her, she’ll listen to me.
This drunken rationing spurred him on, already wound up so fast Drake rose to his feet unsteadily despite Hana’s soft cry of alarm. Shoving through the writhing bodies on the dance floor, he staggered towards the exit, determined to find get to Elizabeth so he could tell her- tell her that he
‘Where you off to man?’
Drake immediately ran into Leo who had evidently heard the commotion and followed after him. The other man now placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, which Drake immediately shrugged off.
‘Fuck off Leo. Let me go man. I have to go.’ ‘Go where?’ ‘You fucking know damn well where,’ Drake slurred bitterly. He needed to go, he needed to get to her because he had to tell her-
‘Tell her what?’ Leo asked almost nonchalantly and Drake swore he was doing it on purpose.
God he could have punched him right there and then for getting in his way.
‘Drake you need to calm down,’ Hana told him, appearing at his side, noticing his clenched fist. ‘Its okay, its o-‘
‘No its not,’ Drake roared, swaying heavily on his feet. ‘Its not okay Hana. I want to go to her and Leo isn’t letting me. This fucking bastard isn’t letting me go!’
‘Alright go then!’ Leo shouted back, stepping aside before lowering his voice and waving off a protesting Hana. ‘If you can walk in a straight line we’ll let you go.’
‘Fine,’ Drake tugged his denim shirt in defiance. ‘Just get out of my wa-‘
Before he could finish the sentence however, the ground came rushing up to greet him at an alarming speed and he landed heavily on his healing shoulder as Hana cried out coming to kneel beside him. Drake stubbornly waved her arms away, shouting in a broken, hoarse voice as he struggled against them.
‘If I can just get to her, if I can just go to her I can tell her, she’ll listen to me, I can make her remember! I have to try, I have to try Hana! Let me go.. I have to try… ‘
She was saying something to him now, something he couldn’t hear as suddenly the world turned black and all the noise stopped.
There was a buzzing sound.
An incessant buzzing.
God he wanted it to stop.
He lay there for a while, eyes closed, body still unable to summon the will to move, hoping it would stop but it persisted until out of sheer frustration, Drake forced his eyes open and immediately cried out at the influx of light. He blindly groped in the direction of the buzz, finger fumbling against the nightstand until they found his phone. Hana’s name flashing on caller ID – When did he turn it back on? – but he picked it up anyway, sliding the button to answer.
‘What do you want Hana?’
‘Drake! You sound terrible,’ he heard her say in alarm but he couldn’t find it in himself to care, not when he had a headache so bad he could barely see.
‘What do you want?’ He repeated hoarsely, hearing her hesitate. ‘For fuck’s safe, just spit it out.’
‘She wants to see you. ‘