Summary: Drake deals with the consequences of his rash outburst and tries to rectify his actions but it seems that fate has other plans..
He still couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe that Elizabeth had really left…
Actually that wasn’t true, Drake interrupted himself.
It was him… He had left her.
He just couldn’t help it when he’d seen her kissing Liam in the study, it was like his brain went into autopilot and it, the anger, had come, white hot coursing through his veins to see her with him, blocking every rational thought to make way for his cutting response, driven in hard enough to show her how bitter and broken he really was.
Drake had later admitted to himself rather shamefully, selfishly, that in the moment it had given him some perverted sense of satisfaction to see her reaction to his words. As Elizabeth’s face contorted into shock at his reply, it brought him pleasure to see that for once it wasn’t just him hurting, to see that she was finally understanding even a small share of the pain that he’d been through over the last few months. Wasn’t this what he’d been waiting for? To see her begging him to come back to her? To have her pleading as desperately as he’d done during all those weeks when she was in a coma?
She’d done all those things and yet… it hadn’t been enough. In the moment his anger riddled brain decided, it hadn’t been enough…
She hadn’t hurt enough.
And almost like he was taking something that was owed to him, he delivered his final blow, harsh enough to drive the point home, the look of despair on her face reassuring him that his shot had flown true.
When the fire under his skin had finally died down, Drake was left with the shocking consequences of his actions and impending guilt for how he had acted. As it weighed down on him, twist of bitter humour curled on his lips, bubbling up from somewhere deep since him. If he didn’t know any better, Drake would think it was like he wanted to ruin his own life. He’d driven the only woman he’d ever loved – the only one he ever would love – away just because he couldn’t keep his head. The anger had dissipated soon after he’d made it back home, leaving in its place an unexplainable pain. Drake thought he’d felt pain before – the last few weeks had been rough to say the least but this…
This was on another level entirely.
And the shame… utter shame at his behaviour towards her.
It only hit him now.. when it was too late. He’d always been a bit of a hot head and he’d let the anger get the best of him. In the past, nobles and other condescending bodies had called a brute, a boor, many other derogatory names but he’d scoffed at them because at heart they didn’t know him, they never would know him. But now he really deserved them all. His behaviour had been inexcusable and Elizabeth’d had every right to leave. Who was he to stop her?
He’d done many stupid things in the past but nothing measured up to this. Not even – dare he say it – sleeping with Kiara, the fateful event that had stared them on this destructive path. That he could have blamed on the alcohol, a cowardly snivelling excuse though it was to make him feel better.
But this time he couldn’t hide behind that. This time he’d done it stone cold sober.
This time it was his fault. His fault and no one else.
Not Liam’s, not Elizabeth’s but his alone.
–
So Drake did what he always did. Retreated back into himself, spent hours upon hours in the recesses of his own mind to attempt to get rid of all the things he didn’t want to feel. Time blurred together and all too often he found himself reliving the same day again and again, falling into a routine of sorts.
Wake up. Eat. Work. Sleep.
Wake up. Try not to think of it. Eat. What had he been thinking? Work. Was she okay? Sleep. Did she miss him too?
Most days the pain was a dull ache in the back of his mind like a pulse and on the best ones, he managed to forget it entirely as he threw himself carelessly into any task he could. But when he was at his worst… words couldn’t describe the things he felt.
Drake felt a darkness accumulating inside him, the kind when one spends too much time inside their own head, turning the events over and over, tipping memories on every angle to attempting to gain some understanding of the truth where it could not be found. It was a poignant sort of loneliness really, the kind that hung over him the moment he let his mind go empty.
He tried to convince himself that he worked best alone, that he was best alone. He didn’t need anyone, least of all her. But late at night he’d find himself climbing onto the roof of the house, gazing into the night sky above, silently pleading with the moon, that wherever Elizabeth was, she was okay and in his heart of hearts, he hoped that she was doing the same and missing him like he was, even if it was only a fraction.
With each day he retreated further and further into himself, descending into the darkness inside him. This time no one came knocking at his door, no friendly Hana or Maxwell or Liam.
Liam…
God he couldn’t even think of his best friend without bringing up a world of pain that was attached to his name. Their friendship had been strained at best after Elizabeth left and both actively avoiding each other save for rare occasions where formalities required them to be in the same room together. Even then they kept their distance each loathe to look into the other’s eyes lest they find a copy of their own misery mirrored there.
Liam was a better man than he, Drake decided. He put on a good front for the outside world, taking everything in stride, this setback barely seeming to ruffle his feathers as he guided Cordonia through her journey towards recovery. There was much to do even with the perpetrators apprehended and though Liam wore the crown well, Drake knew his best friend well enough to see that he was fighting his own demons, written in the lines of worry that became deeper and deeper every day as they both fought to hold back the many feelings inside them.
Though he longed to comfort the king, be his shoulder to cry on like he had for so many years but they both he was far too volatile to attempt such an endeavour, not when the matter was so close to home, for both of them. So it was like a stalemate of sorts, neither wanting to admit what they both so obviously felt, separated by the consequences of their actions in an silent agreement to never speak of this again.
–
Unsurprisingly it was his sister that pulled him out of his moody ways. Drake taken to visiting her every so often, playing with Bartie always helped things and though Savannah had attempted to address it before, he’d brushed her off with a meaningful look or comment but not this time.
‘So that’s it huh?’ She confronted him one day and he saw the fire building in her grey eyes as they settled their defiant gaze on him. ‘You’re just gonna give up?‘
‘Sav can we just drop this?’ He sighed, unwilling to listen. He was exhausted and the last thing he wanted was to get in a fight with her too.
His sister crossed her arms defiantly. ‘No, we cannot Drake. You’ve been avoiding this for too long.’
He shook his head, reaching towards the kitchen cabinet. Savannah was a Walker after all and he knew she’d have a bottle of whiskey somewhere in her house. If she was going to do this, he needed a drink. ‘I don’t know what you’re expecting from me.. There’s nothing I can do.’
‘Drake!’ Savannah shrieked indignantly and he spun around, bottle in hand to see her gesturing towards Bartie who was playing in his high chair. She continued to glare at him as he apologetically returned the bottle to its place. ‘Thats bullshit and you know it. You love Elizabeth, you can’t just let things end like this’.
‘What do you expect me to do?’ Drake burst out, spinning on his heel, anger and resentment at his sister finally breaking through the surface.
‘I expect you to at least try Drake! Come on! You and Elizabeth belong together. You have to go after her,’ she yelled back with just as much ferocity.
He scoffed, dismissively at her. Surely his sister wasn’t that naive. ’This isn’t one of your fucking rom coms Sav where everything magically gets better and they go riding off into the sunset.’
‘It may not be,’ Savannah shot back. ‘But you have to at least try!’
Drake rolled his eyes sarcastically. ‘Oh really? What makes you so sure that would change anything huh?’
He watched Savannah’s eyes fall to the ground, her posture deflating a little and when she finally spoke, her voice was quiet. ‘It would have worked for me…That’s what I’d hoped Bertrand would have done for me.’
His anger disappeared as she raised her large soulful eyes to his and he saw the truth in the tears gathering there. He’d been so caught up in his own troubles he’d failed to see that she was struggling with ones of her own.
‘Oh Sav,’ his voice was quiet and he gathered her into his arms. They stayed like that awhile until Bartie’s impatient squeal interrupted their tender moment.
‘Go after her Drake,’ Savannah said suddenly, gripping his arm tight, troubled eyes compelling him to listen. ‘Promise me you will at least try.’
‘I will,’ he promised. How was he supposed to say anything but yes?
–
This really did seem so much easier in the movies. After making sure that Savannah was alright, he’d jumped on the first plane to New York, invigorated by his sister’s words and eager to win the woman he loved back. As the plane made its long journey across the Atlantic, Drake felt anxiety build within him with each mile they drew closer to New York. He still didn’t know if this was the right decision… Was he even allowed to want her back?
More pressing concerns floated in his mind however and the entire time during the flight he’d tried to picture Elizabeth’s reaction, gauge how she’d respond. Would she take him back? Would she laugh at him for being all the cliches she knew he hated? Or worse, would she have that vacant look in her eyes the moment they settled on him? Drake gulped. That look haunted him well into the night, on many nights when he lay sleepless, in what sleep he was able to get, it was there even in his dreams. He didn’t know if he would be able to see that again…
It was only when the plane touched down that Drake realised he had absolutely no plan. He’d been so caught up in the moment in the flurry of his own thoughts that he hadn’t realised what a big task finding Liz would have been in such a huge city. For a few moments he stood in the arrival hall awkwardly, unsure of what to do. They never showed this part in movies, he grumbled to himself finally shaking himself from his stupor and calling a cab to begin the search for her.
–
Drake soon found himself outside Elizabeth’s old bar. He shifted uncertainly on his feet. With its newly renovated facade he’d barely recognised it from that night ages ago but it was the only place he could think of that she’d be. They never talked much about her life in New York so he had no idea where she actually lived. He could have asked Liam where her apartment was – he’d been there to drop her off on the night of his bachelor party so many months ago but this presented two problems. The chances of Elizabeth still living there would have been quite low and… he wasn’t ready to face Liam… not yet. He’d stood out there for so long that passerbys on the street began to give him strange looks and in a flash of blind hope he pushed at the heavy wooden door only to find the place… empty.
Drake’s stomach dropped. What had he been expecting to find really? He shook his head, chiding himself for being so naive, for getting his hopes up, placing all his expectations on a whim only to be disappoin-
‘Hey buddy ya gonna stand there all day or do you wanna drink?’ Drake started to see a girl behind the counter, wiping a mug and eyeing him suspiciously.
‘One whiskey, neat,’ he told her taking a seat at the bar. When his drink arrived, he took a deep draught this time, considering his options.
He had none really… New York was a place and Elizabeth could be anywhere, heck he didn’t even know if she was even in town or if he’d just wasted his own time trying to find her when instead she was miles ahead. He’d attempted to call her earlier after finally mustering up the courage to click the little green button but it immediately went to voice mail and he’d given up.
‘Can I get you anything else sir?’ The waiter asked and Drake shook his head wordlessly before raising his eyes to find that he recognised the person serving him. He wracked his brain, trying to go back months ago. Derek, David, Dan… Daniel!
He detected a hint of recognition in the waiters eyes and Drake couldn’t help himself. ‘Have you seen Elizabeth?’
Daniel shifted, not meeting his eyes. ‘Yea she came in a few weeks ago, not for long though.’
The spark of hope was back. Maybe this waiter could help him.. ‘Do you know where she lives?’
His companion shook his head. ‘No idea, sorry.’
Drake fought to urge to question him further, sensing that there was more he wasn’t saying, but the man already looked so terrified and remembering the last time he’d tried to push someone for answers, he stopped himself, instead placing a few bills on the table.
‘Keep the change.’
–
Drake didn’t know how far or how long he’d wandered before he saw her. Caught up in his own miserable thoughts and just when he was about to give up and call it a day, he heard a peal of laughter amidst the sounds of the busy city. He knew that laugh and his eyes went flying to locate its owner and after a few seconds landed on…
Elizabeth.
Clad in a black leather jacket, red top and jeans, she looked more like herself than Drake had ever seen her. She looked so happy, so free. And in the moment it jarred Drake to remember that she had a life before Cordonia one as vivid as his own, a family, friends, other people who’d had a piece of her long before she’d ever became his. Seeing her at the florist’s, perusing the bouquets, bright eyes flitting across the selections, he was almost afraid to disturb her, feeling a bit like Schrodinger’s cat in the moment. As long as she stood there and he stood here, Elizabeth neither rejected or affirmed him.
But to think that they could stay in this moment forever was wishful thinking. Locked in the moment, he could only watch as another man came up to her and Drake flinched slightly as his arm came around her waist, like his had so many times. Elizabeth smiled up at the man, a smile he knew well and Drake couldn’t explain it but in the moment his heart just… broke…
That was when it really struck him. Like the other shoe had finally dropped, he realised that he’d assumed she’d be waiting for him… holding out for him to change his mind. In all the scenarios he’d pictured on the plane, he’d never expected this one. He’d never expected her to move on from him so fast… I thought we really had something…
Tears sprung to his eyes at all the memories they’d made together, the ones she probably didn’t remember and he blinked them away before they could spill out, watching them make their selection, both their smiles twice as wide as theirs had ever been.
He watched Elizabeth so caught up in conversation with her new man that she tripped over an uneven patch on the sidewalk and at once Drake’s hands reflexively went out to catch her, like he had at Olivia’s ball when she’d faked being sick to get them dinner those many months ago. Instead of his own hands steadying her, Elizabeth landed in the arms of her new guy and Drake could do nothing but watch as she gave him a grin – oh that familiar grin – before planting a kiss on his lips. She kissed him and from across the street Drake felt his own lips tingle, the memory of the sensation flooding back in and he felt himself being violently ripped apart. He could practically feel the softness of her lips, that tiny scar she had near her mouth, the feel of her skin against his, it all came back to him now…
‘I am still in love with you,’ he tried to say, but when his tongue refused to cooperate, Drake compelled her with the sheer force of his willpower to look at him, to see him, anything but to move on and walk out of his life, again. Almost as if she’d heard him, Elizabeth tossed her head back and she seemed to glance in his direction. His heart skipped a beat until she turned back, maybe it was more of her eyes sliding in his general direction than an actual look but at least it was something right? Before he could muster up the confidence to do anything, her companion said something and immediately her attention snapped back to him.
Drake made to go after her, body poised to run after him as so many feelings rushed through his being. Love anger, jealousy, longing, pain, it was all there only to be surpassed by the memory of her smile when she looked at her new guy. She looked happier, so happy. If he went after her now it would have been out of pure selfishness. How could he do that? All he’d bring her was heartache and pain…
As much as it hurt him, Drake couldn’t bring himself to destroy the new life she was building for herself. Elizabeth deserved a shot at choosing who she was going to love, even if it wasn’t him. His heart stung at the thought but he knew it was true. If he couldn’t love her the way he wanted, he’d have to let her go…
–
Savannah’s smile faded a little when she saw met him alone at the arrival gate.
‘Either Elizabeth’s hiding in that tiny backpack of yours or she said no..?’ she asked, attempting for some humour.
‘Mmhmm,’ he grunted, unable elaborate further. ‘Something like that.’
She wrapped an arm around him. ‘You gave it your best shot. And for that I’m proud of you.’
Drake nodded despondently, guilt eating him up inside. Had he given it his best shot though?
–
Life went on, bearing stark similarity to before the social season and all the craziness that ensued from it but it was still different. Something had changed and everyone felt it. There was no excitement, with no big event or royal wedding to look forward to Cordonia fell into a state of lethargy and it seemed to be Drake who felt it most keenly. Resuming life as normal was harder than he expected – after all Elizabeth had done it so why couldn’t he?
He barely remembered what that had been life, for she’d been such a vivid presence in his existence that everything before seemed to blur. His friendship with Liam was still on tenterhooks but he’d taken a job in the royal security team, something that allowed him to work out of the way of the public eye. It meant he had to spend all day with stuffy nobles and pompous personalities but at least it was familiar, it fooled his mind into thinking he could do it.
He could be normal and okay about this…
Drake kept himself busy, filling his days with as many tasks as possible because if he allowed himself to rest for just a moment, she’d be back on his mind again. He’d still wake up in a cold sweat after dreams of the two of them together. When would she stop haunting him? he wondered.
Some days, it seemed like everywhere he looked he saw Elizabeth. He could feel her touch in the breeze that caressed his skin. Her laugh in the swell of music in the ballrooms he patrolled, the swish of her hair as he remembered twirling her on the dance floor. Even the flowers in the garden held her smell, reminding him of the strong sweet scent of her shampoo after wash day.
He was a creature of habit, Drake had long known that about himself and day by day as he actively tried to keep thoughts of Elizabeth out of him mind, he sensed his walls going back up. He limited himself solely to work and the gym when things got too much to bear, taking out his sorrows on the rotating surface of the treadmill. In this, he isolating him from his friends, even Savannah noticed, he hardly came to visit her now. He was at the palace daily but hardly caught sight of his best friend. He didn’t know how long he’d seen Maxwell for, they hadn’t spoken since the hospital, that was months ago now.
In fact if Drake hadn’t accidentally bumped into him in a corridor on afternoon, it would have been even longer.
‘Ohff.’
A reflexive gasp escaped him as Maxwell’s shoulder made contact with his chest, sending the other man’s phone flying across the space. As Drake bent to pick up the device, his eyes slid over the unlocked screen to what was displayed there.
Drake couldn’t stop a gasp from escaping him.
Elizabeth.
The sight of her was enough to knock the wind out of him. In a second all the progress he’d made over the last couple of weeks to forget her, to drown out any lingering trace of her was gone and the pain flooded in, visceral and merciless. He didn’t know how it was possible for his heart to break and rise at the same time. She looked positively radiant, in her friend’s arms a huge grin on her face. He rejoiced that she was looking so well but at the same time a seed of resentment found root inside him. She made it look so easy, so simple as if moving on from him was merely a matter of turning a page while he was stuck between the volumes of words he’d never get to say to her. Elizabeth was off living her life while he was here is a sort of limbo, waiting for something he knew was never going to happen. That shook him out of his reflection, as Drake ealising he’d been holding the phone for too long, he ripped his gaze away from it and handed it back to Maxwell.
‘Sorry,’ he mumbled, unable to look his friend in the eyes.
’S’alright,’ Maxwell replied in kind and for a moment both of them stood awkwardly in the corridor, mutually avoiding each other’s eyes until Maxwell drew a hesitant breath. ‘Drake… I’m uh… sorry for what I said at the hospital.’
‘Me too.’ Drake admitted, surprised to find that he really meant it. ‘I shouldn’t have let it go that far.’
‘We were both just stressed, I guess,’ he responded, poignantly.
Drake nodded. ‘Yeah…’
‘See you around?’ Maxwell’s tone was hopeful but Drake couldn’t bring himself to share the sentiment.
‘Maybe..’ he replied vaguely and not knowing what to do, clapped Maxwell awkwardly on the shoulder before striding off.
–
These walls were suffocating him. He needed to get out of here and just think, he needed space and time to think. To compose himself before he did something stupid.
‘I’m taking the rest of the day off,’ he told Bastien who initially gave him a quizzical look before understanding replaced it.
He nodded in approval. ‘I heard Liam remark that Flame is due for a run soon.’
Drake caught his meaning and made his way down to the stables where the chestnut stallion pawed impatiently at his stall.
‘Hey boy,’ he murmured, rubbing his nose affectionately for a moment before reaching for the saddle and bridle. As he prepared the horse for the ride his thoughts turned to his father as they always did in the stables, remembering with astounding clarity the first time Jackson had taught him how to saddle a horse. He allowed a fond smile at the memory before his thoughts turned inward like the always did: Would his father be proud of him if he saw him now? Not for the first time, Drake found himself unable to come up with an answer and mounting up, he began to guide Flame out of the stable.
He rode as far as the coast line, guiding Flame down to the beach where they began to canter across the sand. Drake took a deep breath in, smelling the salty tang of the ocean as the winds whipped through his hair. Out here with nothing but the wide open space, the wind in his hair Drake felt most himself. Every emotion was laid bare on the empty stretch of the beach and taking advantage of this he urged Flame on faster into a gallop. Only when they were flying across the sand at breakneck pace, did he truly allowed himself to grieve. For the first time since he’d arrived back in Cordonia, he allowed himself to feel.
The anger, hurt, jealousy, resentment.
Drake couldn’t bring himself to hate her… no he’d never be able to do that but he couldn’t help but resent that it seemed almost too easy that Elizabeth moved on almost as if nothing had happened while he was left to pick up the pieces.. It was like fate was laughing at him, placing him on one side of a double sided coin and no matter how many times he flipped it, he’d always end up with the same result.. Him hurting while she got to move on.
Flame’s hooves pounded in the sand seeming to synchronise with his own heart beat and as beads of sweat formed on the horse’s hide, Drake slowed them to a canter almost feeling guilty for how hard he’d pushed him. He couldn’t just forget everything and brush it off, not when he’d given Elizabeth his all. She isn’t coming back, his head told him while his heart sobbed, she has to. If there ever was a glimmer oh hope left in him, it was rapidly disappearing. He couldn’t keep pretending like this… He had to move on. As hard as it seemed, in his heart he knew he had to do it. But where would he even begin?
The hands of fate must have been working particularly effectively that day because almost as if on cue, Drake’s question was answered as a fearful yelp ripped through his thoughts. A strange shape hurtled towards Flame’s cantering hooves and at the last second, Drake tugged hard on the reins willing the stallion to a startling halt. Their momentum carried them forward still and Flame unaccustomed to the sudden change reared up suddenly at the figure in his path with he was barely able to keep his seat. Another yelp of terror reached his ears and immediately Drake sprung into action, leaping off the horse as soon as its hooves touched the ground again, rushing to the figure, a woman, lying on the ground.
‘Lady what the hell were you thinking running up to a horse like that?’ He yelled, grabbing the woman by her shoulders.
‘I-I don’t know okay,’ she yelled at him from under a broad brimmed hat and lopsided sunglasses. ‘I just wanted to get to the water and you appeared out of no where and I just fro- Drake?’
Drake was stunned. How did this stranger know his name? He narrowed his eyes at her, taking in her appearance that began to seem slightly more familiar the longer he looked. Seeing his confusion, the woman slipped off her hat and sunglasses and he heard himself gasp as recognition set in.
Drake’s eyes widened. ‘Zoe?’
His college ex-girlfriend peered up at him, wearing that same half smile she’d always given him.
‘Hey Drake..’