Summary: The day they turned the life support off.
A/N: I’ve been waiting to write this for the longest time (am I a sadist for wanting to torture my own characters?) We’re gonna cover the hard stuff in this series so please heed the trigger warnings and have tissues ready.
Toska
noun /ˈtō-skə/ – Russian
Roughly translated as sadness, melancholia, lugubriousness.
“No single word in English renders all the shades of toska. At its deepest and most painful, it is a sensation of great spiritual anguish, often without any specific cause.” – Vladimir Nobokov.
–
Liam stood in front of the mirror, adjusting his collar. Today wasn’t going to be easy.
He stared into his own blue eyes hoping the reflection he saw staring back could give him some answer to the hundreds of thoughts pressed on his mind.
It had been almost eight weeks after the terrorist attack on Homecoming Ball that had shaken Cordonia, leaving the country in near chaos after the monarchy attacked in their own home. The last two months had been devoted purely to damage control and recovery protocols initiated to stabilise the country and deal with the devastating threat on the nation’s security.
Looking back on it, Liam realised that he’d had to make more hard calls and negotiate more compromises during his short time as king than any other monarch in Cordonia’s history. There were approvals that needed to be signed, protocols that needed to be approved, documents that needed to be amended, the list was endless…
Despite this a thousand decisions still rested on his shoulders and even more were on their way but none so grave as the one he had to make today…
Liam had seen his fair share of struggles between an attack on him and his family and his own mothers assassination but never in his twenty-nine years of life did he think he’d have to make a decision about his best friend’s life.
Drake had been on life support for almost two months now after taking a bullet meant for Elizabeth Richmond during the chaos of the attack on the palace during the Homecoming Ball. He’d been receiving around the clock care from the best medical practitioner’s Cordonia had to offer but late last night to inform him that there had been a drop in Drake’s brain activity in the past day.
The doctor had requested Drake’s closest family and friends to come to the hospital to discuss further options. She’d used a pleasant tone but something in her voice told Liam to prepare for the worst. After thanking her, he’d sat in silence at his desk, head hung, reflecting on what her words what this would mean. An unfathomable sadness had welled up in him at the prospect of losing his best friend.
This was Drake. Drake Walker. His best friend and fiercest protector.
For as long as he could remember, Drake had been a permanent fixture in his life since they were boys. They’d gone through the gauntlet together many times over and Liam had always known without a doubt that he’d be able to count on Drake if he ever needed. If anyone could have survived taking a bullet it was him.
After what could have been hours – he’d lost all sense of time – he’d picked up his phone and dialled Elizabeth, knowing she’d be furious if he didn’t tell her. As the phone rang he wasn’t sure if she’d pick up at the late hour but she answered on the fourth ring.
‘Liam?’
He could hear the worry in her sleepy voice, he knew she knew he wouldn’t have called if it was urgent. Perhaps it was selfish of him to want to get it over and done with as he swiftly relayed the doctor’s message in as few words as possible. On the other end of the phone Liam had felt her silence growing heavier and heavier, he could practically see the tension wracking her frame as she listened.
He’s been about to ask if she was okay but stopped himself, her silence told him more than words ever could. He wanted to say something, anything, but his tongue felt like lead in his mouth.
What would he have said anyway?
She’d just been given the news that the man she loved might be on the brink of death. So they sat there until the silence got too much to bear and eventually Liam had heard her swallow hard and thank him stiffly, informing him in a voice laden with emotion that she’d meet him at the hospital tomorrow morning.
–
Now Liam stared into the mirror again, nervously adjusting his cuffs, unable to stop his mind from returning to her again. His feelings towards Elizabeth were… complicated at best. He cursed himself for the hundredth time, for being too blind, too stupidly in love to see that she was falling for his best friend.
Was it even love? he wondered. Was it love when he only got to see the side of her she presented to the outside world?
She’d revealed a little of herself in the little moments they’d stolen in between but between royal obligations, her scandal and his engagement to Madeleine, these moments had been few and far between.
On the other hand, Drake hadn’t been been bound by any of these and maybe that’s what had made all the difference. A difference Liam hadn’t realised until he was down on one knee, ready to offer Elizabeth the world, only for her to crush his hopes by admitting what he’d been too blind to see.
That, however, had not made him stop loving her. He loved her, god he loved her so much, almost as much as it hurt that she’d never love him same way.
That hadn’t meant it wouldn’t hurt. It hurt like a bitch to see the truth finally out in the open. But he swallowed. He swallowed his feelings and put on a brave face and told her he was happy for her, even though they both knew it was a goddamn lie. He had to be happy for her, for them.
This was Drake. Drake Walker. His best friend and fiercest protector.
How could he feel anything other than happiness for the two people he loved most in the world?
A sharp knock interrupted his thoughts and Liam took a moment to compose himself as best he could before instructing whoever it was to enter. His eyebrows rose when the door opened to reveal Constantine.
‘Father.’ The word was meant to be a greeting but it came out more like a question.
‘Son,’ Constantine began, taking a seat on the chair in behind him. ‘I was hoping to catch you before you went to the hospital.’
Liam eyed him carefully. His relationship with his father had not been the same since he’d learn about his hand in Elizabeth’s scandal and he’d noticed himself keeping the king father at arms length despite his illness.
‘I was just about to leave for the hospital.’ He announced, his meaning clear, tone communicating a slight irritation at the interruption.
’Then I’m glad I caught you,’ Constantine eased himself into the armchair and dropped his gaze to the floor, his demeanour pensive as he paused. ‘Liam… son… I need to speak with you. It concerns the safety of Cordonia.’
Liam almost raised an eyebrow at the seriousness in his tone — for once Constantine had deemed sending threats to potential suitors a matter of Cordonia’s safety — but held his tongue and waited.
’Son, I’m sure you don’t need an old man like me to tell you that this country is headed towards chaos. The attack on the palace has made it seem like the monarchy is on the brink of ruin. And it is our job — yours particularly — to prevent this from happening. We should be projecting a strong image to the public in this time of distress…’
Liam frowned. His father was obviously dancing around the point he’d come to make ‘What are you saying?’
‘I’m saying… I think this may be a good time to consider choosing a wife. Perhaps Duchess Elizabeth. She’d be a favourable match, she’s gained an excellent understanding of our country, the media adore her and she’d —’
‘What?!?’ Liam interjected, feeling anger bubbling up inside him, not bothering to hide his disgust at Constantine’s words.. ‘Father how can you- how can you even suggest that?’
Not long ago the King Father would have given anything to see Elizabeth gone from their country and now he was pushing them to get married?
‘Liam…’
‘Father do you realise what you’re saying?’ Liam was pacing now, unable to believe his ears. ‘You despise her. In fact a few months ago, you spearheaded a plot to disgrace her and now you want to see her as queen? I’m sorry but I don’t follow.’
The King Father sighed again, rubbing absentmindedly at his chest. ‘Liam I know how it sounds but hear me out… I’m an old man. I’m not going to be around much longer and I can’t with good conscience leave this country without a stable future…’ ‘
Are you saying I’m not stable enough?’ It brought Liam a slight pleasure to see his father shrink a little at his tone.
‘My boy that’s not what I-‘
’Then what did you mean?’
‘I’m merely putting forward Duchess Elizabeth as the best candidate for Queenship. The press adore her and its obvious to anyone that she’s got a way with the people that Olivia Nevrakis and Madeleine Krona will never have. We need to project a strong image of the monarchy to our people, let them know that in the face of tragedy, there is still hope.’
‘And you truly believe Elizabeth is the best way to do that?’ Liam offered hostilely.
It burned his tongue to speak of her in such a way, in a marriageable way after… well…
Constantine was already nodding. ‘I know I may have been wrong in the past and despite his best efforts to thwart her Duchess Elizabeth has seems to have some sort of… endurance that has gotten her to where she is.’ Liam watched the King Father, rub absentmindedly at his chest as he gazed off. ‘Our country could use some of her enduring quality right now.’
Liam could hear the truth in his father’s words. He wasn’t wrong. He just didn’t know what had happened. That she loved Drake and not him.
He allowed himself a few moments to compose himself before speaking. ‘And what if I refuse?’
Shock splashed across the former king’s face. ‘Refu- Liam I don’t understand…. You love her, she loves you. I’m merely suggesting what would have happened months ago if it wasn’t for me… I can’t fathom why you’re being so resistant to this… This seems like the ideal situation for you. It’s what you wanted right?’
It was. It was what he wanted. He’d laid in bed, thinking of it, dreaming of it every night since the day he met her and… even after the day she’d rejected him.
Suddenly he saw the entire future panned out before him. Elizabeth would be walking down the aisle in her big white dress for their perfect wedding, they’d become man and wife and she’d rule by his side from that day forward. He could picture her talking down stubborn senators and negotiating difficult reforms and after it was over, they’d bid farewell to the day in each other’s arms.
He could hear the laughter of the children they could have echoing through the palace and the pitter-patter of footsteps as they chased each other through the maze. He could almost feel the creases that would form next to her eyes after years together but he’d still think she was the most beautiful creature he’d ever laid eyes on as he kiss-
‘Your Majesty,’ a servant’s voice broke Liam out of his fantasy. ‘The royal motorcade is ready for you sire.’
‘Yes of course,’ he answered, immediately snapping back into his role as he straighten his collar and made to head to the door when a hand on his arm made him pause.
‘Think about it son. That’s all I ask.’
Liam could barely find it within himself to nod, rushing out before the tears could spill.
–
Though he’d come to visit countless times over the last two months, Liam never failed to be shocked at the sight of Drake lying on that hospital bed.
He gazed at his best friend, alarmingly thin and deathly pale under the flimsy material of the hospital gown they’d dressed him in. The bandages no longer covered his entire chest but were reduced to a small gauze patch over the stitched up bullet hole. Hundred of tubes connected him to various machines surrounding the bed including the ventilator which sat beeping quietly in the corner. Liam gulped at the sight of him.
This was Drake. Drake Walker. His best friend and fiercest protector.
He knew Drake would have defended him tooth and nail if required but when the time came, he, Liam, had failed to do the same.
He couldn’t bear to look at his best friend, the shame was too great, and shifted his gaze over to Elizabeth, seated on the bed beside Drake, her fingers, gently brushing a few strands of hair from his face.
The way she looked at him, it was like rejection all over again and Liam could possibly fathom how he was going to convince this amazing woman to marry him. Elizabeth was never his to begin with and even if she did agree, Liam knew he would feel like the wrong man for the rest of his life, sealed as her husband only by the blessing of a priest and a few strokes on paper, nothing else.
Could he live with that?
Liam didn’t have time to dwell on it when a doctor appeared at his side.
’Your Majesty the healthcare team is here for the consultation.’ He nodded once and followed her to a small conference room, Elizabeth following a minute later.
‘Your Majesty, Your Grace thank you for coming on such short notice,’ the head doctor stated.
Elizabeth leaned forward. ‘We came as soon as you called. You said there’s an update? How’s he doing?’
‘Well,’ the doctor began. ‘ As you know Mr Walker has been on IV and receiving extra oxygen in the entire time he’s been here. After the extreme blood loss he experienced following the gunshot wound, it was likely that he would have experienced some brain damage despite the blood transfusions he received. And according to His Majesty’s instructions we have been monitoring his brain activity hourly but yesterday we noticed an steep drop in brain activity. The subsequent neurological testing.’
She passed a piece of paper with the test results to them, ’Showed decreased sign in brain activity which usually means that while the basic brain functions like heart rate, digestion and sleep patterns have been retained, unfortunately the higher order functions have been lost.’
‘I-I don’t underst- I don’t understand,’ Elizabeth put in shakily. ‘What higher order functions?’
‘Capabilities like memory, cognition, thinking, attention, perception, language even have been lost.’
Liam couldn’t help but glance at Elizabeth, the strain of the doctors words hitting them both but her fingers remained wrapped so tightly around the sheet of paper, it began to tear.
‘Our medical team here can provide you with the results of the other tests we carried out,’ the doctor gestured to her colleagues but Elizabeth interrupted, her voice low and firm.
‘How long?’
‘Your Grace, once the higher order functions have been lost, we must declare the patient brain dead. We should discuss shutting off life support.’
The statement hit Liam like a boulder to the chest but before he could form a complete thought, Elizabeth was already on her feet, glaring down at the doctor.
’No!’ She shouted. ’No we are NOT turning off the life support! There’s got to be something you can do! You’ve-you’ve-you’ve fucked up the test somehow! He’s not brain dead! I-I-I refuse to believe that! You’re not doing all you can. I mean its the twenty-first century for fucks sake! There’s gotta be some sort of test or procedure you can do…’
The head doctor remained unperturbed by Elizabeth’s outburst and evenly replied. ‘We’ve exhausted all our options Your Grace. We’re are unable to comply with any advanced directive trying to require that Mr Walker be kept on life support after being declared brain dead. We cannot and do not usually provide futile care. It is generally accepted that once a person is brain dead, they are essentially dead.’
’No! No, you’re-you’re lying!’ Desperate tears streamed down Elizabeth’s face as she grabbed the doctor by her shirt in anger. ‘You have to do something,’ she screeched. ‘The man I love is in there and I-I-I need him to wake up so I can tell him that! You need to get him to wake up!’
‘I’m sorry Your Grace, there’s nothing more we can do for him,’ the doctor replied calmly despite her outburst.
Elizabeth let out a scream of frustration that shocked Liam out of his stupor and he immediately sprung to his feet, wrestling the doctor’s shirt from her hands.
‘Elizabeth, Elizabeth,’ Liam tried to look into her eyes, attempting to restrain her struggling form as she glared at the doctor, knowing that if he let go she might have pounced on her. ‘Elizabeth look at me.’
‘Liam do something!’ she yelled, trying to twist out of his steel grip. ‘You’re the fucking king. Order that bitch to do something! They just wanna let him die!’
She was stronger than she looked as she almost broke out of his grip, throwing her arm out to the doctor, nails flashing on empty air as she swiftly evaded her reach. Bastien and Mara who were in the room too came forward to help Liam restrain her but he shook his head.
‘Elizabeth listen to me,’ he commanded in his kingly tone. ’The doctors have done everything they can for Drake okay? Do you really think I would have let them leave any stone unturned? They’ve done everything. There’s nothing more we can do okay?’
It killed him to see her like this, with hot tears pouring down her as she struggled more weakly against his grip.
‘Liam please, please don’t let them do it,’ she begged, grabbing onto his lapels twisting the material between her white-knuckled hands as tears streamed down her face. The desperation in her voice was so deep it almost broke him as she implored him with big brown watery eyes.
‘Liam please… I’m not ready to let him go. Please I-I have to.. to tell him I-’ She cut herself off, drawing a huge ragged breath.
‘Elizabeth…’ Liam had never felt so useless in his entire life.
He was the king of an entire nation but even he was powerless to do anything. To see her like this was nothing less than excruciating but what was he to say? The doctors had already told them everything they could, he’d only be repeating their condemning sentence, driving the nail in deeper.
‘Liz…’ he began hesitantly, unsure of what to say, ‘…if I could do anything… you know I would…’
Though he’d attempted for a more comforting approach but he couldn’t quite hide the hopelessness in his voice. Immediately her knees buckled and he struggled to support her as she rested her forehead on his chest in a sign of complete and utter defeat. It was the single saddest thing he’d ever seen in his life. A woman so broken over the man she loved, she could barely find the strength to hold herself up.
Before Liam could bring his arms up around her body to provide what comfort he could, Elizabeth ripped herself away to burst out of the room.
‘Liam, is-is there nothing..?’ Maxwell met him at the door, obviously having heard the entire exchange from outside but cut himself off when the king turned to look at him, his blue gaze holding the answer no one wanted to voice out loud.
‘Oh,’ the younger Beaumont dropped his eyes to the ground. ‘Please excuse me.’
Liam looked forlornly after his friend who could scarcely make it to the end of the hallway without bursting into tears.
His feet took him back to the room where Elizabeth was currently sobbing on Drake’s chest, arms clasped firmly around his neck as if she could bring him back by sheer force of will. It was only when Hana’s soft hand touched his arm lightly that Liam finally broke down into tears and though they’d never been close he accepted her hug.
This is Drake. Drake Walker. His best friend and fiercest protector.
The only person who had been there for him in the darkest hour, always ready with a sarcastic comment, a glass of whiskey and a listening ear. Drake had given up a chance at his own life for Liam all those years ago and just when he seemed on the cusp of beginning afresh with Elizabeth…
Liam sobbed harder into Hana’s shoulder, not caring if he ruined her dress now — he’d buy her another one to replace it — but now he was just grateful for the company. Through the open door of the hospital room, Liam could hear Elizabeth’s words as she talked out loud.
‘— will always love you Drake,’ she was saying. ‘And only you for the rest of my life. You are the love of my life Drake Walker and my life’s regret will be not telling you earlier…’
Breaking out of Hana’s grip, Liam blindly stalked off, letting his feet carry him whatever direction they wished until he reached an open balcony somewhere in the hospital. The wind whipped at his face as he stared up into the sky, devoid of any cloud as if mocking him. It should be raining, storming, hailing anything to reflect the inner turmoil he was feeling. With a deep breath of cool air rushing into his lungs, he opened his mouth ready to unleash a bellow that would have echoed off the very mountain stops across the country but paused, painfully aware of the security camera trained on his every move, ready to capture visual footage of the king losing his mind as he yelled at the empty air.
Instead Liam did what he always did. He’d learned long ago that he was a king first then a man and because of that some of his human tendencies would have to take a back seat. Deep breaths, eyes closed, feet together until he felt the uncontrollable anger dissipated and his vision cleared.
That did nothing to soothe the ache of his heart, however. It still beat, however brokenly, pumping what felt like shards of broken glass into his veins.
This is it, he realised. This is the end. We’re really going to do this.
In the months that followed the attack, some small part of him had hoped that Drake would come out okay. Liam had placed him in the best hospital with the best doctors working around the clock with state-of-the-art technology to bring him back but the doctor’s words hollowed out his soul.
“The higher order functions have been lost, we must declare the patient brain dead.”
Dead.
This is Drake. Drake Walker. His best friend and fiercest protector.
Drake of all people would be most likely to survive a bullet wound. So many things came bubbling up to the surface. They’d barely talked since Liam had proposed. He had Drake’s avoidant tendencies to thank for that.
God Drake had probably taken that shot, thinking that he, Liam, must have hated his guts for stealing the woman that they both loved. Knowing Drake he would have tried to fight his feelings for the longest time and knowing Elizabeth she wouldn’t have made that easy. So many things he should have done, he should have said.
Goddamn it if it was too late, Liam was going to say it now.
Rushing back, he ran into the very person he was hoping to avoid, Elizabeth and for a long moment they just looked at each other.
‘Savannah’s in there with Bartie,’ she informed him hollowly. ‘They’ve put his mum on the phone so she can say goodbye.’
‘I…uh…’
Unable to form words, Liam dropped into a chair outside the door and a beat later, Elizabeth followed suit. Liam thought of his father’s suggestion and how part of him wanted to desperately to act on it, if not for the guilt in the other half of him.
He wanted Elizabeth so badly, but not like this.
He wanted her to choose him, freely. Not like this…
The heavy silence lasted and she seemed to be mustering up the courage to say something. But what? There was nothing to say. They both knew what was coming.
She finally opened her mouth ‘Liam I’m-‘
The moment was shattered as door creaked open and a tearful Savannah exited with Bartie wrapped in her arms. Liam shot to his feet. Whatever Elizabeth was going to say could waits he entered the room, closing the door behind him.
His best friend’s pale face has an eerie glow thrown across it but the fluorescent lights above and Liam inched his way slowly to the bedside chair.
‘I’m sorry Drake…’ Liam burst out, his voice laced with tears. ‘I failed you. I failed everyone, my parents, my country, my friends, my best friend… I am the king of an entire nation and I still couldn’t protect you.’ He reached out tot grip the other man’s hand, slightly colder than normal.
‘You’re my best friend. You should be here and I should be there. Those bullets were meant for me, not you. You should be here,’ he swallowed heavily, the words sticking in his throat.
‘With her. She loves you, so, so much. I know you love her. And so do I. I’m sorry I stood in the way of you two getting together. If I had known maybe I could have protected you, or-or-or,’ Liam paused, sobs wracking his body.
‘My father wants me to marry her,’ he told his best friend, voice barely above a whisper. ‘He said she’d make a good queen and maybe she would. But she was never mine to begin with. Her heart will always be yours. I still don’t know what I’m going to do. How can I marry the woman in love with my best friend?’ Liam squeezed his hand tighter.
‘I wish you would come back. Come back and take this choice away from me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if she’ll say yes. I mean how could she?’
His blue eyes rested on Drake’s face, silently begging, pleading for an answer but none came.
‘I’ll take care of her Drake,’ he vowed. ‘Even if she says yes or not, I’ll see that she’s always well looked after. She’ll never be wanting for anything. If I do ask her and she does say yes, I’ll be the best husband I can be. Elizabeth will always be yours, Drake and I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to live up to your example.’
Liam felt a tiny part of the huge weight on his shoulders dissipate slightly and when a small knock reached his ears, his voice was steady enough to answer without breaking.
‘Come in.’
‘Your Majesty.’ It was the head doctor again. ‘We’re ready to perform the procedure, if you are.’
He wiped the tears that escaped with the back of his hand and nodded. The shuffling of feet indicated that his friends entered the room, Hana, Maxwell, Bastien, Bertrand, Savannah and… Elizabeth. Liam moved to vacate the chair he was sitting on but she made a passive motion, situating herself on the opposite side closer to Drake. She looked at him with such love and sadness that Liam automatically felt like an outsider, like this was a special moment he was intruding on. Her lips moved but he didn’t have to look to know what she was saying.
I love you so, so much.
Savannah came to rest her hand on her brother’s shoulder while the other found its way to Liam’s, giving him a reassuring squeeze before addressing the doctor. ‘Will it hurt?’
She shook her head. ‘It will be like falling asleep. Once we turn the ventilator off, he’ll just stop breathing naturally…’
Elizabeth made a sound in her throat at that but managed to compose herself aside from the tears pouring down her face. Leaning in, Liam and everyone else watched her kiss Drake’s still form ever so softly before resting her forehead against his, her tears dripping onto his face until they looked like his own..
‘Do it,’ she commanded, giving the doctor the signal.
And just like that, is turned into was.
Liam marvelled at how quickly the process was over, how with a simple turning of a dial, a whole life was extinguished just like that. Nothing could have prepared him for this. As his mind replayed all the good memories of his best friend, Liam gripped Drake’s motionless hand desperately, not wanting to feel his shallow pulse fade out into nothing. Savannah began to lean on him more and more, gradually failing to support herself.
They all watched with bated breath as the gentle rise and fall of Drake’s chest slowly evened out and before it could fade out completely, Elizabeth pressed her lips to his again, one last time. In his distant hearing, Liam detected the steady sound of the heart rate monitor flatlining, cementing that it really was over now.
No one said anything — no one needed to, they all filed out, one by one in their own time, in their own way until it was just Liam and Elizabeth left, her quiet sobs the only sounds filling the room, while Liam could barely keep his suppressed.
Eventually, he too got up, more out of duty than anything but paused in the doorway to glance back at Elizabeth’s sobbing form.
‘I’ll take her home,’ Hana offered, noting his concern and Liam nodded in reply, not trusting himself to speak.
This was Drake. Drake Walker. His best friend and fiercest protector.
–