Won’t Lose You

Disclaimer: These characters are not mine, I’m just borrowing them

Author’s Note: This is my entry for the ‘Apology’ prompt for day two of the September challenge. I’ve had this HC for Seth and Kaylee in my head for a while and while it hurt to write, I’m glad to finally share a bit of this particular part of their life.

Summary: After a much needed heart to heart with a family member, Kaylee takes the first step in mending her and Seth’s rocky relationship.

Content Warning: Mentions of Pregnancy Loss

Sorry.

One word, that’s all it is. Just one word, composed of four different letters. And the one word she’d heard most often in past several weeks, spoken in more ways than she knew possible.

First it was meant to comfort. Soft frowns and pitying eyes accompanied sympathetic tones. Friendly arms engulfed her in warm embraces as a whisper tickled her ear. “I’m so sorry Mr. and Mrs. Levine, but…” “We were so sorry to hear about your loss.” “Oh dear, I’m sorry.”

There were times she said it herself, choked out through heavy sobs as she huddled under too warm blankets, clutching her knees to her chest. The word spoken to one person in particular, yet no one at all; a voice in the back of her mind wondering if she was only sorrowful enough maybe everything would change. “It’s all my fault. I’m sorry. I’m so, so, sorry. I failed you. I’m sorry.”

And then lately, it had taken on a new tone altogether. Stress and anger morphed the once softly soothing word, a blanket of grief and sympathy, into something almost unrecognizable. Now it was a weapon to fling at an opponent during a fight; yelled and snarled, its sharp edges not always meant to wound, but doing so nonetheless. “Well sorry for caring!” “Sorry I can’t be okay for you!”

Kaylee never wants to hear that stupid word ever again, doesn’t want it to even brush against her ear drums. But deep down, she knows it must, at least one last time- and she must be the one to utter it. She has to make sure he knows how deeply sorry she is, for everything. Him, the man currently slumped over his paper strewn oak desk, a fixed expression painting his stress-worn face as locks of golden brown curls haphazardly obscure his eyes from view.

From her spot in the doorway of Seth’s home office, Kaylee represses the sudden urge to close the distance between them and gently brush the hair aside, though the thought itself is a pleasant surprise.  They’ve barely spoken more than brief pleasantries over the past week and haven’t shared the same bed at night for nearly as long. She had assumed the silence would be better than the passionate noises of arguing which filled their house before- she was wrong.

Because at least when they were fighting, they were communicating somehow.

He’d tried so hard to comfort her at the start, holding her as long as she allowed that first night while sobs wracked her body. And while her physical pain persisted she welcomed his touch and doting. However, once that ache subsided, leaving behind the agony of a gaping hole in her heart, numbness and distance had been her only escape.

She’d pushed him away. She hadn’t seen it at first, didn’t realize it at the time. But every time he tried to pull her from the darkness gradually enveloping her, she inched further away from his gentle hand- until he ceased to reach out altogether.

Teja was the first to point it out, quickly followed by her mother whom she could only assume was in cahoots with the frustratingly well-meaning friend. Kaylee refused to admit it, stating everything was fine. The awkward moment of tense silence Teja had witnessed during a night out- it was simply an off night. A snippy response overheard during a phone call was a minor misunderstanding.

Except it wasn’t.

Nothing was fine; nothing had been fine since the fateful appointment which resulted in the worst twenty-four hours of her life.

It had taken a Facetime call earlier in the day with her nana Gen to shock some perspective into her. The call itself had been unexpected- Nana had always been rather technologically challenged- leaving Kaylee to assume her father or sister may have been in on the plan as well. But the story she shared had taken her by surprise even more.

Kaylee knew she wasn’t alone in her struggle; she was aware countless other women went through the same ordeal and had even listened half-heartedly as a few shared their stories. But her nana’s was different.

Before she’d met her current husband, the man Kaylee lovingly referred to as Pop, Nana had been married to another man. Less than a year into their marriage, they suffered a loss just as Kaylee and Seth had. And almost exactly like Kaylee she’d allowed her grief to swallow her whole, keeping her emotions locked away from prying eyes as well as helping hands. The tragedy had driven a wedge between her and her husband, producing a crevice they were never able to overcome and eventually leading to a hushed divorce.

Nana Gen was someone Kaylee had admired all her life for the unwavering strength and resolve she seemed to carry on her shoulders like armor. Witnessing her break down during the retelling, hearing the eerily similar way grief had manifested in her and how it managed to fracture ever inch of the life she’d built up, had awoken a force in her soul Kaylee hadn’t felt vanish.

Determination.

She cannot allow her relationship with Seth to meet the same fate, not without a fight.

Inhaling deeply in an attempt to calm her over-active nerves, Kaylee lightly raps on the doorframe. Blue eyes devoid of their usual shine meet her own.

“Hey, I’m home.” She silently curses the waver in her voice.

“Hey,” Seth responds, with a polite smile. His eyes flicker back to the paper he was fervently scrawling upon before the interruption, his expression unreadable.

Kaylee’s heart drops. To a stranger their exchange would appear more like one between distant roommates, not a loving husband and wife.

Maybe it’s too late- maybe there’s nothing left for her to save.

No. No, I won’t let that happen.

With another shaky breath inward, Kaylee closes her eyes, envisioning the bottoms of her feet. She focuses on them fully for a moment, taking note of the soft shag carpeting underneath her bare soles. Her mind quiet again, she silently moves forward until she’s near enough to her husband to catch the subtle aroma of onion chips and apple ale wafting from his being.

“Seth, we need to talk.”

“Now? I’m kinda busy here,” he says, not even looking up from his work.

Settling into the blue suede easy chair nearby, Kaylee continues, not allowing his curtness to deter her.

“Yes now, Seth. This is important.”

With a heavy sigh her husband looks up from his work, his lips drawn tightly together and brows slightly furrowed. “I tried to talk with you for weeks, Kaylee. You wouldn’t say a word. Now that I’m actually getting back on track with my work you decide there’s something you need to say? No. I think it can wait,” he snaps before returning his attention to the work at hand. The sharpness of his voice is a stinging slap across her face.

Frustration and gloom swirl in Kaylee’s stomach, each dancing around the other like oil and water.

No. This can’t be it. She has to get through to him, has to keep going. The despondent, easily irritated man in front of her isn’t the real Seth, the one she fell in love with, the one she married and planned to start a family with, the one with whom she lost…

She cuts her thinking off abruptly as her nose burns at the anticipation of tears.

Pushing forward, she wills her emotions to stay in check, at least until she can finish what she needs to say.

“You’re right. I’ve waited too long to say this. But it can’t wait, not any longer.” Kaylee pauses and peers at Seth through hopeful eyes, searching his features for any sign of a reaction- pushing aside the wave of disappointment when she fails to find one. With her resolve quickly crumbling she drives onward, her gaze now focused on the fingers tangling together upon her lap.

“Seth… I’m sorry.” She hears the scratching of pen on paper halt. “I’m sorry for pushing you away, for not letting you hold me or comfort me. I’m sorry for not telling you how I was feeling or listening to you when you needed.” A warm tear rolls down her cheek and she curses her traitorous tear ducts. “I know you were hurting too. That you’re still hurting. But it just… it hurt so much. Then suddenly, it didn’t. Not if I tried hard enough to push it down.

“But being around you, talking to you, it made everything harder bury. Because you… you reminded me that it wasn’t just me who lost something. You did too. And I’m the one who lost it. I’m the one who failed you, who failed our child…”

Her vision blurred, Kaylee feels a familiar strong hand blanket her own before she sees it, startling at the unexpected touch. Warmth she hasn’t welcomed for far too long seeps through her veins as another hand cups her chin, tipping it upward.

“Don’t,” Seth orders, but his voice lacks venom. Instead, the word slides smoothly through her ears, halting her racing thoughts like a gentle outstretched palm. “Don’t blame yourself. The baby… it wasn’t your fault, Iowa. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. You didn’t fail anyone.”

With a single swipe of his thumb, Seth clears away the water droplets blocking her vision. Her breath catches at the sight before her, hope filling her chest.

Seth kneels on floor in front of her, his thighs nearly brushing her knees. Irises bluer than the ocean meet her gaze head on, radiating tenderness held only for her. His breath tickles her nose as he leans in to kiss a tear off her cheek causing a rain to descend from her eyes once more – this time out of pure relief at the loving gesture.

“I… I don’t want to lose you too, Seth. I can’t. I’d rather spend everyday hurting alongside you, than another moment without you.”

“I don’t want to lose you either. And I’m sorry for pulling away too, for snapping so easily, for… everything. But I… I didn’t think you wanted me anymore.”

The need to be in his arms overwhelms her and she slides to the floor, her feet wedging themselves under the chair while she falls to her knees. Kaylee throws her arms around Seth’s waist, burying her head into firm pecs as he returns the embrace.

“I want you. I want you so much. I’m so sorry. I still want you. I’ve always wanted you. I… I love you,” Kaylee blubbers into Seth’s chest. She feels the tension leave his chest as he exhales and relaxes further into him.

Lips graze the crown of her head. “I love you too, Iowa. Never stopped.”

After what feels like an eternity and a split second wrapped in one, Seth eases back, incomparable affection still adorning his features. “We’ll figure this out, okay? Somehow, we’ll get through this. But we have to do it together. I’m here for you, forever and always. And I won’t let you go again without a fight. I promise.”

“Together. I promise,” Kayleewhispers sincerely.

Seth’s chapped lips ghost across her forehead, then down the bridge of her nose, before capturing her mouth in a feather-soft kiss. A mix of love and lust surges inside her when she deepens the kiss, every ounce of repressed emotion seeping outward through her lips.

Their mouths continue to dance together, expressing through touch what they couldn’t through language, profound calm settling into Kaylee’s bones.

And for the first time since losing the baby, a thought shines through the darkness in her brain:

Everything will be alright.

-The End