No One’s Fault

Note: This fic re-tells Chapter 11 through Beckett’s eyes. All dialogue is copied from the chapter. As per the chapter, Beckett is talking to Atlas in the beginning, but she is named as Zoe due to it being Beckett’s point of view and not knowing otherwise.

“Well, that’s it. Zoe’s not anywhere on campus… That mirror must have taken her somewhere else entirely,” Shreya says with a look of defeat on her face.

“The way the glass shattered, I’ve never seen anything like it… “ Beckett racks his brain, searching for some sort of clue. He is trying, and failing miserably to not let his feelings about Zoe get in the way, but he’s worried sick, and it is affecting his ability to think rationally.

They walk back into Zoe and Shreya’s suite, hoping to sit down and come up with a plan to find answers, but as they walk in she’s there. He’s so relieved to see her, but still something seems off.

Shreya’s jaw drops. “Zoe?! Where have you been? We’ve been looking everywhere!

Zoe freezes, momentarily speechless. “Y-Yes, I am Zoe. Your friend.” An awkward smile crosses her face.

“What happened to your hair?” Zeph asks in disbelief. Her hair is shorter now and white. Nothing like the flowing brown waves Beckett ran his fingers through not long before.

“Uh, ha! That’s so funny… you. That’s just like..you. Always cracking jokes,” Zoe replies almost nervously, and it’s so unlike her. Beckett could see this type of behavior coming from himself, being socially awkward and afraid of saying the wrong thing, but not Zoe. Zoe always seems so confident and self-assured.

Zeph chuckles. “Well she recognizes my comedic genius, so she must be alright.”

Beckett stops himself from rolling his eyes at Zeph. If he didn’t like the others, especially Zoe, so much, he wouldn’t hang around to hear more cutting remarks from Zeph. “Never mind all that. Where have you been? The mirror room was completely destroyed and you were just gone!”

“Yeah, where did that mirror take you?” Shreya questions. “We looked all over campus!”

“It… It took me to Penn Square. I don’t know what went wrong, but it dropped me right into a dumpster. I tried the spell to clean off, but something went wrong and it turned my hair all white. Guess I’ll have to have Swan fix it tomorrow.”

Okay, that seems plausible, Beckett thinks, and he knows it’s an easy fix. “Oh, no need. That’s just a simple transmutation spell. I can quite easily–

“You touch my hair, my hair, and I’ll punch the eyebrows off of your face,” Zoe snarls and the room is stunned into silence. Beckett knows he wasn’t initially warm and friendly with her, but he’s opened up to her more now than anyone else here. They’ve kissed, more than once, and she seemed really into him. Either he totally misread the situation, or something happened to her when she went through that mirror.

Zoe’s faces softens slightly. “Sorry, I’ve had a really rough day. I’d like to just go to bed.”

Shreya frowns. “Oh. Well, of course. We’re just..glad your’e safe. I guess we should all go to bed, hm?”

“Thanks. All of you.” Zoe’s voice is somber and somewhat hollow, and Beckett just can’t shake the pit in his stomach.

Everyone starts to leave, but Beckett turns back. He looks her over, and he’s certain she doesn’t fail to notice the concern on his face. He places a hand on her shoulder and she goes stiff. “You…” He wants to wrap her in his arms – for her to melt into his touch – and to tell her how happy he is that she’s back, but something stops him. “You have no idea how troublesome you are!” His tone comes out harsher than he means it to.

“Hey!” Zoe snaps back, and he doesn’t completely fault her for it.

“Just going and disappearing like that! Worrying all your friends! It was completely thoughtless of you and…and” He relaxes his shoulders and exhales deeply. “And I’m really glad you’re okay.” He wants to say more, but coming from him she should know what this admission means. He pulls her in for a hug and she doesn’t sink into him like he’d hoped, but he reasons she’s been through quite the trauma, and he would probably be just as on edge himself.

“Thanks.” Is all she says before he releases her an short time later. Beckett wants to talk more and make sure she’s really okay. He opens his mouth to ask, but then thinks better of it and stalks away, still with the weight of the world on his shoulders.

Beckett gets halfway down the hallway before he realizes he can’t leave Zoe like this. He turns back knocks on the door to the suite’s common room but nobody hears him. He bangs harder to ensure the sound will carry. Thankfully it’s Zoe, and, not Shreya who answers the door.

“Beckett?”

“Hello. Hi. It’s…me again.” Idiot obviously she knows it’s you.

“I can see that.” Zoe replies coolly, but there’s a hint of a smile on her face.

She’s already seems much warmer and at ease than she was just a minute ago, and it finally dawns on him that her hair is back to its normal color and length. “You fixed your hair.”

“Yeah…it just…turned itself back?” He’s not quite sure if she’s telling him or asking him. Either way, with the change back to her typical appearance, her spirit seems to have returned as well.

Zoe looks him up and down, and he fidgets with his hands in his pockets, suddenly self-conscious of his rumpled appearance. “I’m… I just wanted to make sure you were okay, I…” He decides their’s no sense in holding back and trying to play strong anymore. “I’m at a loss here. When you vanished, I felt like I should have been able to do more, and I couldn’t, and I-” He shakily runs a hand through his hair, letting the full weight of his worry hit him for the first time.

“Beckett, it’s no ones fault.” Zoe tries to reassure him. “And I’m fine, see?”

He let’s out a weak laugh, trying to convince himself just as much as Zoe that he knows everything is fine now, but he doubts it is convincing. “I know it’s late, but…do you want to talk? Just for a little while. I know you said you’re okay, but I feel like I have to make sure.”

Zoe sighs. “Now really isn’t the best time.”

Disappointed, Beckett is about to give up and go back to his room when he notices the cuts and scrapes all over Zoe’s exposed skin. “You’re hurt. I can help with that! I know a spell that’ll remove the shards of glass quite painlessly.” He’s desperate to do something to help, as well as to find any reason to spend more time with her.

“It’s fine,” she tries to play it off like it’s less painful than he fears it is. “I’ll just go to the nurse tomorrow.

“But…I can help you.” He pleads. “I have to help. Please, Zoe.” He can’t forgive himself for failing to protect her in the first place and will do any to make up for it.

“Sure, I could use the help. Let’s talk out here, okay?”

He’s relieved when she agrees and tries not to be disappointed that she didn’t invite him into her room. She’s hurt and probably shaken up, so he tells himself it would be selfish to expect anything from her, yet he still can’t seem to turn off his attraction to her any time she comes in close proximity.

Beckett follows her to the couch and sits down. Acutely aware of his disheveled appearance, he attempt to smooth out his blazer and laughs at how pitiful he must look. “I must look like a complete mess. Bet it’s pretty funny seeing always-put-together Beckett Harrington off his game.”

“Beckett, you look just fine. Maybe a little sadder than normal. A little more rumpled. But I wouldn’t say you are falling apart or anything,” Zoe assures him. Not cute, hot, or any of the other compliments she normally gives that make him blush, just fine and not falling apart. It’s better than her saying he looks awful he supposes, but maybe she’s just being nice. “And it’s anything but funny to me,” she continues. “More… depressing than anything really.”

“Gee, thanks,” he quips. So he looks rumpled and sad and it’s making her depressed. Not quite the effect he’d hoped his presence would have on her.

“Sorry. I just mean… it’s hard seeing you so upset!” She reaches over and takes his had in hers.

Beckett looks up to meet her gaze, and it stirs something inside him, causing him to look away sheepishly. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever get over the way she looks at him.

I’m actually really surprised that you were so concerned considering how much you tried to hate me,” she says with a smirk.

He knows she must be teasing after all the conversations they’ve had since, but he feels the need to reassure her anyhow. “I don’t hate you, Zoe.” He finds the courage to meet her gaze directly without backing down and squeezes her hand tightly. “I admit that when I first heard about you I was jealous. More so when I realized your formal training was quite lacking. And I lashed out. I worked so hard to be the best and it didn’t matter. I thought with you attending, I’d have no chance of being top of the class.”

Zoe’ smile falters. “Beckett, I never meant to make you feel that way.”

Again he’s trying to cheer her up, and he fears he’s only making things worse. “Of course you didn’t… You were my first friend here. You took me in when no one else would. And the thought of something happening to you when I could have stopped it…”

“What do you mean you could have stopped it?” Zoe interjects.

Maybe he’s said too much. “I…I’ve been practicing some advanced magicks. There had to have been some spell, some part of my knowledge that I could have used. But when it comes down to it, I just stood there, weak.” He balls his fist and feels heat rise in his face, angry with himself for not rising to the occasion when it counted the most.

“Beckett…” He can see his own torment reflected on her face before she closes the distance between them and hugs his shoulders tightly. He shivers beneath her touch, his face nestled into the crook of her neck. “There’s nothing wrong with freezing up. It all happened so fast. You would have needed the quickest reflexes on earth.”

Beckett’s heart flutters in his chest as he snakes an arm around Zoe’s waist, holding her close, inhaling the smell of her floral shampoo before looking back up at her. “How do you know I don’t have them? I am vastly superior to the majority of the world’s population.” He tries to keep a straight face until she laughs and then he cracks too.

“Aaaand, there’s the Beckett Harrington I know.” Zoe pulls back to look in his eyes and he wonders if she notices that he’s teared up. “You can’t blame this all on yourself,” she tells him, indicating he’s not hiding anything from her. “First of all, there’s no way you could have known what would happen. And second of all,  we were all there. No one else had any idea what to do either.

Beckett frowns and sighs. No one else studies as hard as he does. No one else is in love with her like he is. He thinks these things but doesn’t dare say them. “Still. I said I’d help, so at least let me take a look at you.”

Zoe spins around in a circle to humor him. “See? Totally fine.” Beckett gently lifts her arm and plucks a piece of glass from the skin near her elbow. Zoe’s eyes go wide. “Wow, I didn’t even realize that was there.”

“Probably because of the adrenaline,” he explains. “It looks as though that’s the worst of it, thank goodness.” He holds his hand up and it begins to glow a metallic tint, but he’s frustrated as it fades away. “Shoot, just give me a second.” The glow in his hand flickers intensely, but still nothing happens. “Come on Beckett you worthless-”

“Beckett!” Zoe scolds.

“I’m sorry. I’ve…I’ve done this spell a million times. I just cant… it won’t.” He averts her gaze, his hands balling up against his knees, and he’s feeling nothing but weak and useless, unable to help Zoe in any way.

“It’s okay. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You can do this. I know you can. Just think about me. You want to help me, right? So stop thinking about your own faults, and focus on that.”

Shit. He’s been so worried about needing to be the hero, he’s letting his own insecurities get in the way of helping Zoe. “I didn’t mean to make it all about me, I-”

“You’re doing it again,” Zoe points out. He cracks a smile and shakes his head but says no more “There you go, you’re starting to relax. Take a deep breath,” she instructs.

“Fine, fine.” He raises his hands again, and they tremble with nerves. He inhales deeply and let’s it out, his palms glowing warmly. “Now we’re getting somewhere.” He passes his hands over her arms and takes satisfaction as the pieces of glass slip out, Zoe not showing the slightest hint of pain. “There. You’ll have to go to the nurse to get a salve for the cuts, but that takes care of the glass at least.”

Zoe smiles. “Thanks, Doc. So I’m good as new?”

“I don’t know, maybe I should double check to make sure,” he suggests half serious, and half just looking for an excuse to get close to her, his success giving him a newfound confidence. He inspects her arms up and down, lightly tracing her veins as goosebumps form beneath his touch. “Hmm, no serious damage there.” Seeing the way his touch affects her, he grows bolder. He circles around and leans his head in close, Zoe twitching as his breath tickles the hair at the base of her neck. He trails a finger slowly down her spine.

“Beckett…” She breathes.

“What? Does it hurt?” He wonders if he’s found a sore spot or if it’s maybe something else.

“N- No…” she stammers and he knows he’s got her where he wants her now.

“Look, there’s a little bruise right..here.” He grazes his lips on the side of her neck to kiss it and make it better. He wraps his arms around her waist and pulls her tight to him. He swears her knees wobble, and had he not been holding her, she’d be falling straight too the floor. If only they were in the privacy of Zoe’s room. “Better?” He asks with a sly grin.

“I’m certainly not complaining.” She turns around, and his satisfied smirk transforms into a genuine smile, relieved to have Zoe safe and happy in his arms. “What about you though? Feeling better?”

Her words are a reminder of all the ways he failed her tonight, and he keeps the smile painted on his face despite his disappointment in himself. “Yeah, yeah, I think so.” He tries to remind himself that all is good now. He glances over to the clock on the mantel and his eyes go wide. “Oh, wow. It’s so late. I’m such a dolt. You must be exhausted, and here I am complaining about my feelings.”

It’s fine, really. After everything that’s happened today, I’m not sure I would have been able to fall asleep anyway. But if you want to make it up to me, why don’t you give me a goodnight kiss?” Zoe asks coyly. “It will help me sleep better.”

“I don’t need a reason to kiss you, Zoe.” The truth is he’d kiss her anytime, anywhere, so long as she asked. His smiles down at Zoe, his thumb grazing her cheek before he leans in to press his lips to hers. He hugs her tightly to his chest, never wishing to risk letting her out of his grasp again for fear she’ll disappear.

“Zoe…” he whimpers before tracing his tongue along her lower lip. She responds to his nonverbal request, parting her lips to grant him access to her sweet mouth. He waits until he’s completely out of breath to break the kiss.

Zoe laughs as they both gasp for air. “Great, now I’ll never get to sleep.”

“I’m sure after the day you’ve had, you’ll have no trouble,” he says and is thankful for not blurting out his true thoughts – that he’s imagining she’ll slip into bed and touch herself while she’s thinking of him. He’s also grateful that his cheeks are already flushed with arousal, for he’d certainly be blushing otherwise at the idea of it and knowing he’ll be doing the same back in his room while thinking of her.

Beckett cups her cheeks, eyes lingering on her face until he presses a kiss to her forehead and finally, reluctantly lets her go. Seconds pass and neither one makes a move, the only sound the crackling fireplace. “I’ll let you get your rest, but… I want to tell you that..” He hesitates, feeling vulnerable about letting the true depth of his feelings be known. “I’m just… I’m really happy you’re still here.”

Her soft expression mirrors his own. “Yeah, me too.” And with that Beckett takes his leave, relieved and content that she feels the same.